


I'm Your Man

by Jean Genie (LetYourselfGo)



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, Real Person Fiction, Star Trek RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Chris Evans IS Captain America, Chris Evans parks the car in the Harvard yard, Chris Evans's POV, Chris Evans's tits, Chris and Seb can't be affectionate with each other in public because we're all WATCHING, Chris and Sebastian talk about Stucky, Completed, Disassociation, Discussion of social justice issues, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Hayley Atwell is a good bro, I make Robert Redford kinda gay in this, Implied Drug Use, Language Kink, M/M, Mark Ruffalo is a woke bae, Mention of Zachary Quinto/Chris Pine, Obedient!Sebastian, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Pining, Possessiveness, Power Dynamics, Power Play, RDJ is a good bro, Sassy!Chris, Sassy!Seb, Sebastian Stan at the height of his twinkdom, Sebastian and Mackie's glorious friendship, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Fluidity, Slow Burn, Smoking, Social Justice Warrior!Chris, Stucky bleed through from Evanstan, affection through fight choreography, anxious!Chris, character bleed through, contextual understanding of Romanian, different kinds of intimacy, fuck Disney, gentle top!Chris, obsessive references to how fucking beautiful Sebastian Stan is, physical power dynamics, platonic Hayley & Seb & Chris, the gay club as a safe space, top Chris/bottom Sebastian, toxic masculinity, unabashed spoiling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-11 20:58:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 52,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10474293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetYourselfGo/pseuds/Jean%20Genie
Summary: Feeling his gaze on him, Sebastian had looked up at Chris, his chin still tucked down so his eyes were shaded by a fan of lashes.  He smiled, this little private smile just for Chris.Chris breathed out a barely audible “Jesus Christ” as all his racing thoughts settled down to one single determination, one thought.  This boy was unutterably beautiful.This was how Sebastian entered stage right into Chris’s world, upending everything._______AKA: The history of Sebastian Stan and Chris Evans's relationship from 2010 to present.





	1. Enter Stage Right

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took me way longer to write than I thought it would, partially because it kept growing, plot wise, but also because it was difficult to pinpoint exactly what the relationship between Sebastian and Chris is. They’re very elusive and private in that when they don’t know they’re being watched they interact much more intimately than when they’re out doing press. What I wanted to do here was something along the lines of [the insane meta thing I wrote about Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto’s relationship and backgrounds,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8266790) but this time as a narrative so I used actual events and quotes and references from real life, which is something I rarely do in a fic. Towards the end things will take a decidedly fanfic-y turn, but in the beginning I tried to stay within what I believe their personalities and relationship to be. Also, any references I make towards things that people have issues with in terms of either of these men’s past or actions isn’t meant as a judgement, in fact this whole fic is only my own opinions, not facts.
> 
> I got the name of this story from two songs done by two artists we lost last year, Leonard Cohen and George Michael, both who influenced my life greatly.

 

Fall 2010

 

Chris didn't actually meet Sebastian until the first table read. He wasn’t sure if this was a good sign or a bad sign about the movie in general. The studio was either so confident in his abilities to act this bonded to someone he had never done a screen test with, or they didn’t care enough about characterization to think this was important. Chris’s insecurities, as always, answered for him and told him it was the latter.

This wasn’t Ibsen they were performing. He’d watched comic book movies his whole life, just like every kid did growing up in the 80’s and 90’s; he’d even been in two himself. They were popcorn movies. The audience was there to see amazing feats and action sequences, to watch highly stylized two dimensional characters say cliche lines like _Let’s go!, We got this!, It’s showtime!_ As long as he could deliver these lines with any kind of conviction, it would be okay. Even if the movie wasn’t good, it didn’t matter. The Fantastic Four movie was terrible, Chris knew it, but it still made enough money that they made an even worse sequel. His first inspiration on how to play Steve Rogers was the idea of just being the guy who fit the suit, because really that was all that mattered.

The Dark Knight movies had shown what a comic book movie could be, especially given a big budget, but this was no Nolan movie. This was a test, to see if they could take dated characters with their over the top antics from comics written in the 50’s and make them into something not too cringe worthy for a modern audience. He had seen how that failed in the other movies and was worried that it was going to happen again.

Chris hadn’t wanted to do this movie at all. The idea of being a lead, of being the title character, was terrifying. He would have never thought of auditioning but the studio had remembered him and requested he come and try out. It would have been a career ending insult for him to refuse, but when he’d read the dialogue he was supposed to audition with he was surprised that there was something actually there. There was this core goodness in the character that Chris liked, and the idea of a superhero who wasn’t tortured, who didn’t have a dark past, made it different. Here was an ordinary man whose own moral compass was so strong that he only wanted to do what was best, to protect, to be brave. Chris had had this belief instilled in him growing up in a city where the early years of America’s evolution had taken place. He knew why people had died for their country, why they had sacrificed their lives, to protect the idea of freedom. This was something he understood on a primary level.

He couldn’t help but notice the irony of the fact that this all American story was going to be filmed, of all places, in London. This was just one of the many things he’d learned about movies, that it really was all pretend. That everything was fake, giant bright green walls surrounding him, a taped red X marking the spot where his opponent was supposed to be. Even his own body wasn’t going to be part of some of the movie. They really only needed his face, and maybe a handful of expressions from him in terms of a performance, and at least that Chris was confident he could give them.

It was this predetermined view that Chris carried with him into the first table read. The script was thin at best. Not terrible, which filled him with relief, but there wasn’t a lot to work with in terms of depth of character. He could do eager and a willingness to please, play a sense of heroic justification. That was the extent of preparation he had done because that’s what he thought was expected of him. This was before Sebastian.

When he first introduced himself to Sebastian, there had been a beat, a pause where he looked at Chris in a way that made him feel like he’d missed something important. It was just a flash across his face before Sebastian returned the introduction and they made the usual awkward small talk before they took their seats. In all honesty, Chris was so worked up with his own jangling nerves that he didn’t really register him or any of the people around him. Suddenly he was there at the head of the table, the lead for this big budget movie, and all eyes were on him. This realization was like a sandbag being dropped on his shoulders. How would he ever be able to pull this off? He was going to let everyone down, all these people around him, his family, the public, by messing up this one chance he had. There was no way he was prepared for this responsibility.

His eyes were glued to the script in front of him, trying to speak through the panic squeezing his throat, to not let on how much he was freaking out inside. It was a small voice, quiet and seemingly just as nervous as his, that made Chris suddenly aware of where he was and what was happening.

He looked over and really saw Sebastian for the first time. He was bent over his script just like Chris was, high spots of red on each cheek, eyes never leaving the page. The relief that he felt when he realized that Sebastian was just as nervous as him was like ropes around his chest being cut, letting him finally take in a long deep breath.

Feeling his gaze on him, Sebastian had looked up at Chris, his chin still tucked down so his eyes were shaded by a fan of lashes. He smiled, this little private smile just for Chris.

Chris breathed out a barely audible “Jesus Christ” as all his racing thoughts settled down to one single determination, one thought. This boy was unutterably beautiful.

This was how Sebastian entered stage right into Chris’s world, upending everything.

Chris had had moments like this before, they happened a lot in the industry. You would meet someone who was so beautiful they hardly seemed real. He remembered the first time he met Scarlett, he had wordlessly gaped at her for a solid minute before she took pity on him, patted his hand and smiled as she told him it was okay, she had absolutely no interest in him. He was able then to chuckle through his blushes.

This was different. He’d never seen a man this beautiful before. He had seen a lot of very handsome men, iconically handsome men, during his time as an actor, but Sebastian wasn’t that. He was beautiful, beautiful in the way that seemed almost unreal. It was quick, magical moments, it was the soft pink flush on the cheeks of a boy with eyes that shifted from grey to blue and back again, like a the sky before a storm.

Chris knew how humans determined physical attractiveness. The idea of symmetrical features, of bone structure. He knew these things because his insecure brain liked to taunt him whenever he would look in the mirror or see himself on film, pointing out all the things apparently wrong with his own face. This heightened criticism also caused him to look for these perfect features in others. Sebastian had everything. Every feature was perfect, like a face that belonged on an ancient sculpture from a time when all men did was study and search for and create this kind of perfection.

That first night Hayley had insisted on them all going out, on letting her show them the best places in London to eat and to have, as she put it, a bit of naughty fun.

They’d had dinner first, a blur of faces and voices that Chris wasn’t able to keep up with. All of these people were so sure of themselves. It was Hayley, mainly, who Chris focused on, partially because he was vaguely terrified by the idea of such a beautiful creature as Sebastian being this close to him that he couldn’t bring himself to actually look at him.

Not that it was a hardship to look at Hayley. She defined words to him that night; dynamo, knockout, luscious but also cheeky, clever, mischievous. She commanded the table, smiling devilishly at all of the boys around her like a cat looking at a fishbowl. Chris felt his cheeks burn bright when she’d leaned over to him and told him that she thought his tits looked good.

“Mmm, I’d like to cop a feel of those.” She made grabby hands in front of his chest.

He’d coughed out his disbelief at her forwardness, suddenly laughing despite all of his nervous apprehension. She was looking at him with a naughty, knowing smile, the tip of her tongue peeking out of the corner of her mouth, her eyebrows up. He was instantly smitten with her, loving her from that moment on in the unique way shy people love socially confident people who pull them into conversations, who help them feel a part of things.

“What is it you boys say? A handful each? I’d say you’d give me that.” She was speaking to him very sweetly, despite the forwardness of her words. Chris stammered, not sure of how he should proceed, then noticed her looking at him with a challenge in her eyes, seeing what he was going to say back, but his brain wasn’t giving him anything, closing in on him like it always did when he had to be social with a new person.

“Maybe you can do some rehearsing with me first.” There was that voice again, small but present, and Chris looked past Hayley to see Sebastian at the other end of the table, smiling at Hayley with his chin defiantly aloft. Hayley’s head pivoted over to look at him with everyone else at the table.

“I don’t know darling, I think you’re a little too flat chested for me.” Hayley quipped.

For a moment Chris felt like he’d been dropped out of the conversation, like his inability to deliver a quick comeback had once again laid him by the wayside.

“Well maybe Chris and I need to compare tits to see who’s got the biggest set.” Sebastian said with an eyebrow quirked at Chris, making eyes turn back to him. Chris didn’t feel those eyes on him, didn’t feel the expectations this time. All he felt was Sebastian’s eyes looking at him.

“Okay then, shirts off, buddy, let’s do this.” Chris answered back instantly, shocked when he heard the words coming out of his mouth, at his own quick reply and the boldness of his words.

“Oh I like where this evening is heading!” Hayley had clapped in delight, and Chris held Sebastian’s gaze across the table, watched Sebastian smile that little private smile, felt his brain flatten out to that one thought again, felt all the nerves silenced by the very idea of how beautiful Sebastian was.

Hayley had spent the rest of dinner teasing Sebastian, cooing just how very very pretty he was and oh my goodness she was going to faint on the spot because she was so in love, while also dying of dehydration from how wet her knickers were. Sebastian had blushed at the attention, eyes ducking, initially bashfully at such praise. Then something shifted over his expression and he met Hayley’s challenging eyes, and he answered that she better replenish her fluids quick because she hadn’t seen how great his ass was yet.

Suddenly a whole part of the movie became real to him. There was Bucky Barnes, cocksure, swaggering, young but full of bluster, and there was Peggy Carter, a smart, sassy dame who didn’t take shit from anyone. These two were Steve’s right and left, his best gal and his best friend. He was as smitten with Hayley as Steve was with Peggy, but when he looked at Sebastian, something that he didn’t realize was going to happen was suddenly there. Steve was in awe of Bucky the same way he was of Sebastian. Sebastian was everything that he wished he was, just like how Bucky had what Steve felt he lacked, the charm, the charisma, the physicality, the ease in which he conducted himself.

When they’d gone out dancing that first night after dinner, Chris had hung back. He could dance, it was true, he was musical and could follow a beat, but the idea of him doing it in public, in front of people, was unthinkable, especially if he was still relatively sober. So he had sat at a table on the side, nursing a beer and watching Hayley and Sebastian, watching as Sebastian tried to dance up on her only to have her spin him around so she could grab him by his sides and get him to dip down low with her. Sebastian laughed at this, Hayley laughing with him, squeezing his sides to tickle him a little. They had this immediate easy intimacy that Chris envied. He was always too busy tripping over his own words, his own hands, his own feet, to feel comfortable like that with someone else. Chris’s anxiety had made it so that he only had a few close friends, and hardly anyone who he hadn’t known for a long time. Most of his newer friends, the ones he had made in the industry, had been like Scarlett, confident kind people who were able to draw him out of his shell and make him feel safe, like Hayley had.

She did it again then by dancing towards him, singing along to a ridiculous pop song, coming up to him with a shimmy and a beckoning finger. He shook his head, refusing to come with her, and instead of pushing it, she’d proceeded to dance up on him like she had with Sebastian, arms around his waist, smiling up at him, wiggling her eyebrows at him suggestively at the most ridiculously inane lines of the song until it broke him and he’d thrown his head back laughing, wrapping his arms around her in turn.

Those first two weeks of filming where unbelievably stressful for Chris. He felt like he was messing up every take by being so aware of the pressure on him, of all the eyes he thought were waiting for him to fail. Standing in front of a whole crew and a stage full of extras with his shirt off, chest oiled up like he was Charles Atlas had been mortifying. Suddenly he realized the egotism of all the working out he’d done, the extremeness of his body, that he’d initially been building almost as a shell to hide his real self, he realized he’d actually made himself into a beacon, a show off that invited everyone to look.

“Good Lord Almighty, Christopher.” Hayley had murmured at him when she first saw him, and there was no teasing, no joking in her tone. Her eyes were wide, looking at him almost dubiously, like she couldn’t believe he was real.

Later, when it had all been thankfully over, he thought about how relieved he was that Sebastian hadn’t been there, while also combined with, completely unprompted and out of nowhere, a sense of disappointment that he wasn’t.

He actually didn’t see Sebastian again until they were almost done filming with Hayley. It was just a few days when the three of them were all on set together, and it was the best days of filming so far. Chris was grateful to have Hayley there when he was first working with Sebastian, to help ease his own nervousness about being with him.

“Staring.”

He hadn’t even noticed Hayley sitting down next to him because he’d been melting away in silent contemplation of Sebastian, tracing the sweep of his cheekbone and the line of his jaw. Her voice startled him, making him jerk his eyes away and over at her. She was looking straight ahead, as if she wasn’t talking to him at all.

“You’re staring at Sebastian.” She said offhandedly. “You stare at him quite a lot actually.”

Chris was mortified. He struggled to find the words that were coherent or fully formed enough to explain why he was doing this, but he had none. He couldn’t even explain it to himself.

“It’s alright, darling.” She smiled kindly at him. “It’s okay to be besotted by that much beauty.”

“Oh, no, I’m not, I mean, I don’t, I’m not…” Hayley patted his hand, cutting him off.

“Of course you’re not.” She winked conspiratorially at him and then got up and left, leaving Chris with this bit of information he had no idea how to deal with.

Being around Sebastian now, having to do scenes with him, even just being in the same room with him, made Chris even more fumbling and anxious than he usually was. He was so acutely aware and embarrassed by how, without meaning too, his eyes would float over to Sebastian, like he was trying to convince himself that yes, he was real, yes he was that beautiful.

Chris had been barely able to make eye contact with Sebastian in those first few days, felt his face burning red when he tried. Eventually he realized that Sebastian was trying to do little things to help Chris feel more at ease, such small but thoughtful things, smiling without judgement at Chris, asking him easy to answer questions, saying vaguely self deprecating things to make Chris laugh. Chris was so grateful for these gestures that he would fumble over himself to try and reciprocate, which would somehow make things seem even more uncomfortable. Chris felt stupid and lumbering, not worthy of the attention of someone this incredible.

They went out dancing for Hayley’s last day of filming, her and Sebastian again putting on a show. They played off each other, Hayley watching Sebastian’s antics, petting his hair, pinching his cheek, pouting at him and poking him gently, then seemingly having her way with him, swooping him into her arms, spinning him around only to then grasp him by the shirt front and pull him tight against her body, lips inches from his as she gazed at him with exaggerated seduction. Sebastian unconvincingly tried to act unaffected, sarcastically nodding his head at her teasing, rolling his eyes at the pinched cheek, and then, with her body and all its curves pressed so close to him, stood there still as if totally unresponsive, playing chicken with her until finally she gave him this ridiculous growling tiger look that made him break. Chris watched as pure delight washed over his face, making him even more beautiful.

Suddenly those two sets of eyes were on him. Hayley had her arm slung over Sebastian’s shoulders and they were watching him from the dance floor. Chris froze, completely unprepared for these two enticing creatures focusing all their attention on him. Of course it was a Prince song that had to start playing, immediately setting the tone for what was about to happen.

The two of them started to prowl towards him, singing along, grabbing and dipping and gesturing in rapture until they were in front of him. Hayley sidled on up to Chris, folding her hands on his shoulder and resting her chin on them to smile at him. Sebastian came up behind her, putting one hand on the back of his chair and the other on Chris’s knee.

This closeness, the touch, those two sets of mischievous eyes looking at him made Chris blush bright red, made him smile nervously as he looked down at his lap, watching as Sebastian’s hand wrapped over the top of his leg. The feel of it on him made another sensation bolt through him, right to his groin, so strong it blinded him momentarily, barely able to contain it. He felt his eyes go wide and he took in a sharp breath, and was suddenly very aware of the two bodies next to him and he had to look away.

He felt a finger under his chin, lifting it to face them. He didn’t know if it was Hayley or Sebastian, because all he saw were these two beautiful faces smiling at him with genuine affection and he couldn’t help smiling back. He wasn’t shy under this attention suddenly, he blossomed under it. He returned these looks with a smug one of his own, eyebrow quirked, appraising and unimpressed. Hayley giggled with delight at this reaction and impulsively kissed him on the cheek.

“Oh darling, I’m going to miss you!” She said then turned to Sebastian and kissed his cheek as well. “I’m going to miss the both of you!”

Sebastian reached his arms around both of them, crushing Hayley between him and Chris in a giant bear hug.

“We’re going to miss you too!” He said in a ridiculously gooey tone. “Now get the fuck outta here!”

Hayley balked at this, pushing back at the both of them, and then arching an eyebrow with an evil gleam in her eye.

“Peggy to exit so that the boys can fall in _looooove_.” She cooed at Sebastian and Chris, laughing at how they both ducked their heads, embarrassed.

That first week of filming with just him and Sebastian after Hayley had left revealed a whole other side of Sebastian that Chris, in all his quiet worship, hadn’t noticed before. He saw that Sebastian was struggling as well. They would finish a take, and Sebastian would be hesitant, shifting on his feet, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What’s going on?” Chris finally asked him, gently and quietly so only he heard.

“I dunno, I just…” Sebastian looked up at him then and Chris saw that uncertainty in his eyes, that feeling he knew all too well. “I’m not sure if I... can we do it again?”

Chris realized that he was asking his permission for this. His immediate response was to tell Sebastian that it wasn’t up to him, that he didn’t have the power to make that happen, when he realized, no that wasn’t true. He did have the ability to do that. He was the lead, and he was able to make those kind of requests for himself, and here was Sebastian asking him if he would do it for him as well. This part of him being the lead didn’t make him feel anxious or overwhelmed by responsibility. The idea that he had the power to do this for Sebastian made Chris feel something inside of him he’d never felt before, something he had no name for.

With complete ease, he put a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder and smiled at him.

“Of course we can do it again.”

He told the director that he wanted to do some more takes and immediately and without question they did. The grateful look that Sebastian gave him when they got the scene right made Chris feel like the greatest human being in the world, like a superhero. Like Captain America himself.

It was the same group that went out again that next weekend to go dancing. Chris missed Hayley fiercely. It wasn’t the same without her there, without watching her and Sebastian having fun together. He could tell Sebastian was missing her too, dancing a bit with other people and then mostly by himself, with only a fraction of the amount of energy as before. He disappeared often from the dance floor, coming back each time with a bottle of beer that he drained quickly. When he realized that Sebastian’s smile had dimmed and disappeared it made Chris break out of his ever present study of Sebastian’s perfect features.

Sebastian looked almost adrift. Without Hayley there, he seemed like he didn’t know what to do with himself. Without her, Sebastian’s whole self had started to seem subdued, this sense of gloominess creeping up on him. His gaze didn’t really settle on anyone or anything. He seemed to be vaguely unaware of the people around him, of what he was doing. This restlessness spoke of something else.

Chris thought he might know what was happening, it seemed familiar to him from all of the times he’d felt it himself. It was what happened when you didn’t have someone else to pull you out of your own head, when your self doubt and uncertainty got loud. He wondered if this was why Sebastian had been drinking more, because he was trying to make that go away, to make that buzz in his head stop.

Chris felt himself inching closer to the dance floor until he realized that he was standing just a few feet away from Sebastian. Even though it was against his nature, even though one of his greatest fears was calling attention to himself, letting himself go in public, putting himself in front of all those eyes, he was so close to it, almost on the edge of doing it. Sebastian’s listlessness, that dejection, had drawn Chris inexplicably closer, without him being cognitive of it. Seeing this beautiful boy like this made him have to do something but was completely lacking the skills to do so. He stood there helpless, feeling completely useless.

Finally Sebastian seemed to come back to himself, to realize where he was and what he was doing, looking up and seeing Chris in front of him. They stood there unmoving amoungst the teeming bodies around them, frozen for a long searching moment.

The moment stretched, and then suddenly the feeling in the room shifted. A pulsing, raunchy beat started as a new song played, and Chris saw the exact moment that Sebastian heard it and reacted. He grinned that cheeky grin and started to dance to it in front of Chris, dancing all over exaggerated like he had with Hayley, making ridiculous faces until Chris broke out laughing, reaching out to grab his shoulder.

When Chris looked back at him, the look on his face had changed. That touch had switched something, had made Sebastian suddenly serious and intent. He tipped back his bottle of beer and drank the rest of it in one swallow, then stepped forward to place the empty bottle on the table next to Chris. He advanced on Chris then, slinking and predatorial, his long body moving with that pulsing beat, long slow undulations.

Chris shoved his hands in his pockets unconsciously, holding back, not touching, frozen to the spot. He felt his heart start to pound as Sebastian’s eyes traced over him from top to bottom, watched as his tongue came out and ran along that plush top lip.

Suddenly, there was a finger hooked in his belt loop and he was being tugged forward, towards the center of the dance floor, towards Sebastian. He was overwhelmed by this beautiful face washed over with such hunger, such assured desire. Chris couldn’t move, couldn’t protest, couldn’t even respond.

Sebastian’s hands were on his hips and he was grinning at him, not the cheeky grin from before, but this knowing smile, an invitation clearly written. Chris’s brain was blanking on him, all he could think was _fuck_ over and over and over. His body, however, was responding in kind. His breaths were becoming rapid, his skin flushed, his fingers tingling with a desire to touch. Sebastian was reading all of these responses, and moved closer to him, pressing himself to Chris, now moving their hips together, and Chris could feel the heat of Sebastian’s chest against his own.

Now only inches away, Chris watched as Sebastian bit his own bottom lip, watched as his lashes flickered down as he looked closely at Chris’s mouth. The hand he had on Chris’s hip moved, and very lightly Chris felt Sebastian’s fingertips tracing the line of his groin, making Chris suddenly aware that he was getting hard. This snapped him back to the present, breaking him out of the spell Sebastian had placed over him.

He instinctively pulled back, almost wrenching his body away from Sebastian’s out of fear of his own reaction. He was almost panting, his whole body hot, every nerve ending aware of the fading heat he’d shared with him. He’d been on such a physically instinctual level that his thoughts and reactions were muddy and unclear. The idea of someone this perfect, this beautiful, wanting him made all of his self doubt rush in. It was ludicrous, him, this fumbling, stuttering, nervous disaster, with his awkward body. Sebastian hadn’t seen what was so obvious, hadn’t seen that Chris was completely unworthy of him.

It was only when he realized that Sebastian was stepping back, farther and farther, that Chris actually looked at him, and saw complete dejection on that beautiful face. When Chris went to reach out to him, Sebastian turned on his heel sharply, weaving and getting lost in the crowd. Chris realized now how Sebastian had interpreted his reaction, that he had thought it was Chris rejecting him.

Chris went back to his table in the corner and spent an untold amount of time beating himself up for what he’d done, berating himself for making Sebastian think that he didn’t want him. Having someone that beautiful desire you was like winning the lottery, it was possibly one of the best things that would ever happen to you. It wasn’t something you said no to, it was something that you thanked the heavens for granting you and Chris had blown it. He’d blown it like he always did, by being stupid and nervous and not able to respond the way he was supposed to. He hadn’t even allowed himself the idea that Sebastian would ever want him in that way that when this moment had presented itself he was utterly unprepared, blinded by disbelief.

Locked in his own raging insecurity, Chris hadn’t actually looked to see if Sebastian had returned to the dance floor. When Chris finally pulled himself back to the present, he searched for him in the crowd but couldn’t find him. His shoulders sagged with defeat at this. Sebastian was gone. Of course he was gone. What did he have to stay for? Chris realized how stupid it was that he was having his pity party amoungst all these people having fun. Obviously it was time for him to leave as well. He edged around the dance floor towards the door as quickly as he could. As he went to leave, the bouncer stopped him.

“Hey, I think you need to go get your friend.” He said, gesturing to the side of the building.

Chris felt worry bubble up inside of him as he walked down the sidewalk and looked around the corner of the building. He saw Sebastian and a bunch of guys hidden in the dark of the alley, standing in a loose group, all moving quickly, gesturing wildly, talking at once. Chris’s brow furrowed as he walked towards them.

“Sebastian?” He turned to face Chris, eyes wild, a frantic smile on his face.

“Oh my god! Oh my god, you guys, you guys, this is Chris! Remember, I told you about Chris! This dude is about to be like huge like, well he was huge, still is actually,” Sebastian’s laugh was almost hysterical at this as he reached out and grabbed Chris’s arm tightly. “I mean seriously this guy is like, like look at him, like fuck, man, like he’s a fucking superhero!”

Chris looked at Sebastian, took in the franticness, the way his pupils were unnaturally dilated, talking so fast that his words were tripping over themselves. He reached out and pulled Sebastian to the side, holding him with a hand on each shoulder.

“Hey, are you okay?” He said, trying to get him to look him in the eye.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah totally, better than fine, awesome actually.” Sebastian’s face was strained, and he wouldn’t make eye contact with Chris.

Suddenly, this bravado of Sebastian’s, seeing it so heightened and strained made Chris realized that this was a cover that Sebastian hid under. Seeing him so desperately clinging to it allowed Chris to see how uncertain Sebastian was underneath.

Something surged inside of Chris then, came over him as natural as breathing, and he felt all of his own nervousness and anxiety fall away as he focused on this, on Sebastian, on making sure he was okay.

“Come on, Sebastian, we’re leaving.” It was a voice that he had never used before, steady, sure, brokering no argument. He watched Sebastian’s brow furrow, watched his mouth try and form a response, a refusal, then finally he met Chris’s eyes. Sebastian saw this certainty and swayed into it immediately, nodding.

Chris was able to get him into a cab and back to the hotel without protest. Sebastian fidgeted and twitched the whole way, his legs bouncing up and down, gnawing at the side of his thumbnail, his gaze dancing all over. Chris reached out and squeezed his hand, bringing his attention back to him.

“Hey we’re here.”

“Oh yeah, right, okay, cool, yeah.” Sebastian jumped out of the cab and was already halfway to the elevators by the time Chris paid the cabbie and caught up to him.

They were silent when they got into the elevator, Sebastian still bouncing on his feet, fingers drumming on the railing. Chris had a moment of hesitation. Was he allowed to do this?

He got his answer when the elevator stopped at his floor and Sebastian looked at him, lost, drifting, casting himself out there hoping that Chris would catch him. Chris took on this role like it was his sole purpose.

“Come on, come with me to my room, you shouldn’t be alone while you’re like this.” Chris expected any number of reactions to this, a lurid comeback, a defiant throwing off, a nonchalant shrug.

“Okay.” he said softly, gratefully, and Chris could see his complete acquiescence to him, watched as his body drained of all resistance. Chris reached out, taking his arm to lead Sebastian down the hall.

Once he got him inside his room, he took him over to sit on the couch under the window, turning on the lamp next to it. He crouched down in front of Sebastian then, getting him to look at him.

“Hey, Sebastian, I’m going to go get you some water, just stay here okay?” Sebastian nodded mutely back at him, eyes big. Chris came back with a cool wet face towel and an opened bottle of water. He sat down next to him and held out the bottle; Sebastian feebly took it but didn’t drink it.

“Here.” He held out the towel. “Wipe your face, it’ll make you feel better.”

He was looking at Chris as if he was trying to figure out something that didn’t make sense.

“You should kiss me.” He said, not seductively, rather with a hint of desperation.

“What?”

“You should kiss me.” He repeated, leaning towards Chris. “Everybody does. That’s what everybody does.”

Sudden realization smashed into Chris and he felt his heart break in that moment.

“Oh Sebastian,” he said softly.

This was all that Sebastian thought he was good for. An object to be desired, a beautiful body to be conquered, a trophy to be had.

“Don’t you want to?” Sebastian asked, eyes still wide, still with that desperate edge, searching for this approval.

“Wipe your face, Sebastian.” Chris responded, holding out the towel.

He blindly reached out and took it, holding it in his hand but not actualizing what to do with it. Chris gestured to it, indicating what it was there for, and Sebastian, without thought, pressed it to his face.

The sensation seemed to bring him back to the present, out of his head and back to reality. Chris realized that Sebastian was hiding his face, that his body had started to shiver slightly.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, you’re okay.” Chris pulled his hands from his face and watched as that beautiful mouth trembled with emotion, watched tears like diamonds drip from long lashes, trace down sharp cheekbones.

“Fuck, fuck, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again, not now, not with something this big, fuck, fuck!” Sebastian dug his knuckles into his eyes, his voice strained and harsh. “God, I can’t believe I fucked this up!”

Chris leaned forward then, pulling Sebastian’s hands away from his face again, keeping them away this time with by gently holding his wrists.

“You didn’t fuck up anything. It’s okay, you’re okay. Everything is okay.”

Those eyes flickered over to him, and the blue grey of them turned to quartz by his tears. Chris felt his chest go tight at this, at this fragile vulnerability.

“I’m sorry, Chris, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“You don’t have to apologize.” He smiled gently at him. “Drink some water.”

Sebastian’s eyes stayed locked with his as he silently nodded and obeyed, lifting the bottle to his lips.

Chris sat with him until he drank the whole thing, speaking quiet reassurances to him, watching as Sebastian’s body slowly relaxed, as the fidgeting stopped. Finally he laid back against the couch, look up at Chris under heavy eyelids.

“You’re a really good guy, Chris.” He said softly. Chris felt his bashfulness creep up on him then, blushing and smiling self deprecatingly.

“I don’t know about that.”

Then there was a hand on the one he had laying on the couch between them, and Chris looked up to see this beautiful boy smiling so sweetly at him.

“You are.”

Who was Chris to disagree with this? He watched as Sebastian dropped his eyes again, both of them looking at where their hands were overlapped. Sebastian heaved a sigh then, tired and sad.

“Not a lot of people... I mean, most people would have, you know, taken advantage… most people have. Not because I didn’t want them to, because I did, because I wanted them…”

“To like you?” Chris finished for him. Again they looked at each other, this time with complete understanding.

“Yeah.” Sebastian said quietly.

In that moment, looking at those moon coloured eyes, Chris realized something. He had to be different than everyone else. He had to refuse to objectify Sebastian. He couldn’t continue to let Sebastian think that his physical appearance was his only value, that it was the only way to get people to like him. He wanted to see this part of him that Sebastian kept hidden, what he had seen glimpses of, a timid, sweet boy, uncertain but honest and caring. He wanted Sebastian to know that to Chris he was more than just his appearance, that he was just as beautiful in his shyness. He would show him that there was more to him than that, and that Chris wanted to know all of him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can check out [the tag I made on my tumblr](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) (homicidalbrunette) for the references I used for this fic and for a peek into what the coming chapters are going to include.
> 
> Also take a look at [my list of all my Stucky/MCU tags](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/157303943517/my-mcu-tags) because they're fun and kind of insane.
> 
>  [There's a playlist for this fic of the songs mentioned in each chapter, with more to be added with each chapter.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_)


	2. Steve and Bucky and Chris and Sebastian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the hits, comments and kudos. This was beyond anything I was expecting and having this amount of reaction made the last week pretty awesome for me.
> 
> Also, I have no actual information about Hayley Atwell's relationship with cotton balls. This is purely fiction, though cotton balls do feel gross.

"I offer you a second way of approaching the moment where everything in your life just stops, this one from the actor Robert Duvall: "I exist very nicely between the words 'action' and 'cut.'" - _Blue Nights_ by Joan Didion

 

Fall 2010 to Summer 2011 

 

That next Monday Chris could tell that Sebastian was embarrassed about how he’d acted. Chris was resolved, however, to not allow Sebastian to distance himself, that he was going to find out more about him, the real Sebastian, and not let himself gaze at him from afar anymore.

He sought Sebastian out, finding where he’d tucked himself away in the corner of the studio. Chris stood next to him, smiling warmly and openly, watching as he looked away with an embarrassed almost shameful look on his face. Chris felt all his nervousness rising, the familiar feeling of his inability to start a conversation, to smooth out a socially awkward moment. He wished feverently in that moment that his costume had pockets because he instinctively wanted to shove his fists deep into them to have something to do with his hands. It was when Sebastian had finally looked back up at him, with a fragile trust in his expression, that Chris finally found his voice.

“You know, I get crazy nervous sometimes.” The words were there, tumbling out of Chris’s mouth before he could think about what he was saying. “All of this, the scale of this movie, it’s just… ”

“It’s a lot of pressure.” Sebastian said in a quiet voice, his chin dropping down to his chest.

“Yeah, yeah, it is.”

“This is the first, like, really big project I’ve worked on.”

“This is my first lead part. It’s kinda fucking terrifying.” Sebastian let out a laugh on an exhale and Chris could see his shoulders start to relax.

“Well, it’s good to know that we’re both scared out of our minds while we’re doing this.” Sebastian shook his head. “When I told my mom about how freaked out I am she assured me that everyone who has to do something beyond what they've done before freaks out too.”

“Except Hayley.”

“Yeah, except Hayley. She’s not afraid of anything. Well, except cotton balls.”

“Cotton balls?”

“Yeah, she told me that she has this deep fear of cotton balls, the way they feel in her hands. She could barely talk about it.”

“Is it weird that that somehow makes her even more adorable?” Chris stopped and considered this for a moment. “No, actually, it’s weird that I just described her the same way I’d describe a teddy bear. That woman is a fucking force of nature.”

“Yeah she is.” They both grinned at each other then, any remaining awkwardness suddenly gone. Even in her absence, Hayley was making things better.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing an amazing job, Chris.”

When he went to scoff at this, his brain refusing to believe the idea that he was actually pulling this off, he was stopped by Sebastian gently bumping his shoulder into his, making Chris look back at him.

Sebastian’s expression was so pure, so genuine that he couldn’t even try to argue with him. It’d been a long, long time since Chris had seen this kind of honesty in another actor. He had craved this sense of sincerity; it was very rare in a profession that required you to be someone else. Often when he met an actor it felt more like meeting another character, a version of themselves that they had created. This lack of substance made Chris unable to really trust anyone in the industry and he’d developed a constant suspiciousness that haunted him.

“Well, uh, yeah, thank you.” He managed to say, actually able to accept the compliment, which was usually impossible for him to do. “It’s hard to believe that, because, you know, just, I have this voice in my head telling me I’m not doing good enough. I guess that’s better than it telling me to burn things.”

Sebastian laughed at this, and Chris lost his train of thought as he watched Sebastian’s eyes sparkle, actually legit sparkle, as he did. Chris blushed as a warmth bloomed inside him, feeling inordinately proud of himself for being able to make Sebastian laugh.

“If that voice tells you to burn things let me know, we’ll go have a bonfire, roast marshmallows, make s’mores.”

“God, I would die for a fucking s’more right now. This fucking diet I’m on...”

“Well it’s working. Your body is insane, like crazy hot.”

For just a moment Chris felt something bright, almost electric, flow through him, a deep rush of confidence. Before he could start to demure from the compliment, to deny it, Sebastian bumped into him again, making him look over. He was smiling at Chris with his eyebrows up, still that honest smile.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, thanks.” He managed to croak out, over the roar of disbelief in his brain.

A beat of silence fell and Chris could see Sebastian working up the courage to say something.

“What is it?”

“I, um...” Sebastian said, hesitantly. “I know that you said, but I, uh, yeah, I mean, you said it was okay, but I’m just…thank you for, you know, the other night. I’m sorry that you had to deal with my stupidity.”

That feeling, that instinctual reaction was there again in Chris, even on set, in costume, amoungst all these people. That constant buzz of anxiety went silent as he focused on Sebastian, on making sure he was okay. He turned to him then, reaching out and putting a hand on his shoulder gently.

“Don’t think that for another second.” He said, softly but firmly.

“Okay.” Sebastian answered quietly, just above a whisper.

Chris watched as conflicting emotions flittered over Sebastian’s face, everything laid out there, without any filter. He waited, gave him the chance to get his bearings. When Sebastian spoke again, he looked up at Chris with a naked face, with a trust and openness that made Chris’s chest tight.

“This all, this pressure, I mean, it’s a lot. So much depends on me having to do this right. This could be a doorway to bigger things for me, to have an established identity and not just be another face at a casting call.”

Chris nodded. He knew what he meant, knew that this was what all actors wanted, the mythical ‘big break’.

“I just want to do a good job. I’m so scared that I’m not doing a good job.” There was this quiver, barely audible, in Sebastian’s voice, a thread of doubt.

“You’re doing an amazing job. You’re doing so good.”

The look on that beautiful face then, beaming at this praise, this approval, it was almost like he was devouring it, like Sebastian had been starving and was suddenly being feed. The fact that Chris had caused that made some unnameable thing in him surge. He had done something right, done exactly the right thing, said exactly the right words. He was completely confident in his ability to do this, to assure Sebastian, to ease his fears. Chris felt a sense of purpose that made all his self doubt disappear in that moment. Looking at that beautiful face, so full of relief, so happy, seeing that timid, unsure boy comforted, it anchored him in a way that nothing else ever had.

From this a bubble formed around him and Sebastian, narrowing everything in the world down just to the two of them. When they were on set together they would naturally gravitate to each other. Chris noticed now how quiet Sebastian was, how intent he was on studying the script, on taking time to settle himself, to fall into character. When he would be next to Sebastian this quiet wasn’t awkward; Chris didn’t feel that compulsive need to fill it with nervous words like he always did with other people. When he was next to Sebastian like this, that calmness unwound the tight coil of anxiety in Chris’s chest and allowed him to fully concentrate on the scene he was about to do.

A couple of weeks in while he was leaving the production office he stumbled upon Sebastian. He had his back to Chris, leaning up against the wall with his phone pressed to his ear. Flowing out of his mouth as naturally as breathing was a language that Chris didn’t recognize, sounding like a low chant with an almost medieval lilt, the cadence rhythmic.

Chris tried to back away without being noticed but proceeded to turn so quickly that he misjudged how close the corner of the wall was and smacked his shoulder into it.

“Fuck!” He said out loud before he could stop himself, and then, red with embarrassment, looked back.

Sebastian was grinning at him, giggling softly while saying ‘da’ again and again. Chris had the wherewithal to shamefully mouth out his apologies. When he turned again to go, Sebastian took a quick step forward, reaching out a hand to stop him.

“Chris, wait.” He said then immediately going back to his conversation on the phone. Finally after several more ‘da’s he was able to hang up.

“I am so sorry, Sebastian, I was just….”

Sebastian cut him off before he could start.

“It’s totally okay. My mom tends to spend the last five minutes of our phone conversations telling me things I already know, so you actually saved me like four minutes of that, so yeah, actually, thank you.”

There was an awkward beat, both too timid to be the one who pushed the conversation forward. He watched as Sebastian’s gaze fluttered a little in the uncertainty and almost as a reflex Chris took a step forward.

“What was that you were speaking? Russian?”

“Um, yeah, no, it’s, ah, it’s Romanian actually.” Sebastian shrugged his shoulder, jamming his hands in his front pockets.

“Are you like-?”

“Uh, yeah.” Sebastian added on a timid smile. “I lived there until I was 8.”

“Dude, that’s crazy!” Chris said, the words tumbling from his mouth before he could realize what he was saying. “That’s where, like, Dracula is from.”

“Yeah, he’s my dad, actually.” Sebastian said, lifting one corner of his mouth to smirk at Chris.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry, that was such a stupid thing to say, God, fuck, sometimes I don’t think before I speak but I swear I didn’t mean it in a bad way..”

“No I’m serious, he’s my dad.” Sebastian said with a deadpan expression. “I am like full on vampire, I’m five seconds away from tearing your throat open and drinking you dry.”

“I don’t think that’s the way vampires work. The whole child-of-a-vampire thing, not the tearing open my throat.” Chris smirked back at him.

“Aw that’s a shame. I was kinda looking forward to getting at that neck of yours.”

Chris flushed bright red up to the tip of his ears at this, eyes wide and a bit incredulous. Sebastian smiled big at him, face full of utter delight.

When Chris got home he googled Romania. He read about a communist regime, about violent political upheavals. Chris spent the next few days too nervous to ask Sebastian about it, not wanting to bring up something that he probably didn’t like talking about. This unease crept into their little bubble, this unacknowledged fact about Sebastian that neither of them were bringing up.

Chris was just gathering his courage to see if it was okay to ask about it when Sebastian did it for him.

“You googled Romania, didn’t you?”

“Uh, yeah.” Chris said, slightly shamefaced.

“I don’t usually tell people, because it’s not exactly a happy story.”

“If you don’t want to talk about it that’s totally understandable.”

Sebastian waved away the concern.

“Of course I can tell you about it, Chris.” He said it like it was a clearly established fact. “My mom, she got us out of there. It was just her and I, and she, she saved me. Took me to Austria, and then to upstate New York when I was twelve. She’s the whole reason I’m here, the whole reason I have this amazing life that I have.”

There again was that openness, all of these private emotions playing over Sebastian’s face, the gratitude and appreciation for where he was now, for the freedom he had. Chris was in awe of the strength this must have taken, to come from where he’d grown up into a country that was completely foreign, and to do so just as he was becoming a teenager. Chris would never have been able to handle that when he was twelve, that change, that struggle to fit in. The fact that he trusted Chris this much to tell him about it made a part of Chris feel special in some way, like there must be something about him that Sebastian saw that made him have this assurance.

“Your mom sounds like an amazing person.”

“She is.” Sebastian’s gaze dropped, voice quiet. “She’s the most amazing person.”

“It must have been hard for her, knowing that her child was in danger. I mean, you were just like a toddler when all this was happening.”

Sebastian laughed suddenly, looking up at Chris with a smirk.

“How old do you think I am?”

“Uh, like 23? 24?”

“Chris, I’m 28.” Sebastian grinned at Chris’s sputtering disbelief.

“You’re only a year younger than me?”

“Everyone thinks I’m way younger than I am. This is why all I’ve done my whole career is play teenagers.” He pinched his cheek and batted his lashes. “It’s ‘cause of my baby face.”

Chris spent the next few days trying to pinpoint what made Sebastian seem so young while also trying to not just openly gaze at him like he had done before. Instead, with Sebastian always there by his side, he was able to take quick glances sideways, to trace his profile.

He realized it was Sebastian’s mouth, it was the way his bottom lip pulled in under his lush top lip, like how a child’s mouth would set itself in a moment of vulnerability, pulling it in on the verge of tears, trying to keep them at bay. Not just this, it was also those big eyes, so clear, full of untainted feeling, and the subtle softness to his cheeks, a fullness, the way they plumped up with his guileless smile. It gave him a look of sweetness that matched with his personality perfectly.

Sebastian started to ask Chris questions about scenes, about the decisions he was making to play something a certain way, what his intent was, and how he’d been able to play it out so perfectly. Sebastian asked these questions like he believed Chris had a level of skill that Sebastian thought he was lacking, something that, after doing even a small amount of scenes with him Chris knew to be unfounded. There was a natural ease to Sebastian when he was acting, a subtly that Chris was simultaneously awed by and jealous of.

He told Chris about the war documentaries he’d been watching, bouncingly recommended some to Chris, exclaiming about how good they were. Chris had watched this bright excitement with amazement, each new emotion seemed to make Sebastian even more fascinating.

Chris embarrassingly admitted that he hadn’t done any of this kind of research, but there was no judgement in Sebastian’s face when he responded.

“If you want, I can lend you my box set of Band of Brothers,” He said happily. “It’s so good, holy shit, seriously. It’ll blow your mind.”

“Well, maybe...” Chris could hardly believe that these words were coming out of his mouth, “maybe we could watch it together like in our trailers or something.”

Sebastian’s whole face lit up at this, those cheeks full with his smile.

“Yeah, that’d be awesome.”

Sebastian showed up the next day at his trailer door, and without any hesitation, bounded up the stairs inside, handing the DVDs to Chris, saying how stoked he was to be the one to show it to Chris for the first time. Any nervousness about having Sebastian in his space, about it being just the two of them completely fell away. He watched Sebastian sprawl out on the couch and Chris couldn’t help the self indulgent grin that spread across his face.

As they watched it, they started to talk about the dynamic of a company, of the kind of bonding that could only happen in something as desperate and terrifying as war. Sebastian said that, as their Captain, Steve was the center that held everything together, and that they were all extensions of him, to be used to their best capabilities as he saw fit. He was their leader, they put him before all things, before even their own safety and comfort. This fell in line so perfectly with how Chris was starting to feel with Sebastian, that he was in the lead, that Sebastian trusted him to be. He could feel this private, quiet connection between Steve and Bucky coming from what he and Sebastian had when they were together.

It was Sebastian who actually brought it up, fleshed out what Chris was sensing on an emotional level. He told Chris that he was thinking a lot about how Bucky’s relationship with Steve was heightened once they were fighting in a war together.

“Bucky’s driving force has always been to protect Steve. It’s not just about Bucky doing what his commanding officer tells him to do, he’s doing what he needs to do to keep Steve from danger. Bucky, you know, he’s spent his whole life loving Steve, acting that love out by protecting him.”

Sebastian was looking at him with those big open eyes, with no hint of embarrassment talking about the idea of a man loving another man to that degree.

“I mean, think about how many times Bucky almost lost Steve with him being so sick.” Sebastian said. “He’s always been afraid that something horrible was going to come and steal him away.”

“It changes though, once Steve finds out Bucky’s in danger.” Chris was staring back into those eyes raptly, the words coming to him so easily. “Because he’s strong now, and can finally show Bucky how much he cares about him through saving him this time. I think that Steve never believed that Bucky really knew how important he was to him until he was able to save him.”

“It’s interesting, isn’t it, that only in these hyper masculine situations like war that men are allowed to be so intimate with each other.” Sebastian said with a sadness in his voice.

The idea that Steve and Bucky deeply loved each other made sense to him, made Steve’s motivations obvious. This was just as much Steve’s driving force as it was Bucky’s, that they’d always taken care of one another, looked out for each other, loved each other. Of course this wasn’t something that they could directly address in the movie. Captain America, this ultimate symbol of macho masculinity couldn’t be tender with his friend, couldn’t openly show how much he loved the person who’d been closest to him his whole life.

The fact that men were told they couldn’t be honest with their emotions, especially not with one another, had always heightened Chris’s sense of isolation. Why was it a bad thing to feel something strongly, to show how much he loved, or what he feared, or when he was hurting? It was in scenarios like this when this was especially pronounced, action movies or films that depicted a very idealized version of what war was.

Even when Chris would spend time with his brother and his gay friends, there was still this need to be hyper masculine. The gay community wasn’t what Chris had thought it would be in this sense. Yes there was older men within it who were open and loving with their friends, but the younger ones, the ones around Scott’s age were, in many ways, were more macho than straight men. When he’d asked Scott about it, he’d said that it was a fall out from the 90’s, that a lot of them were scared of being that stereotypical gay man. He’d told Chris about the 'no-fats no-femmes' standard on dating apps, that those seemingly feminine men, those without super fit bodies were outcasts. There was this need in the gay community to be as macho as possible, this fear of being perceived as feminine.

Chris wondered about where that fear came from, why men were always so afraid of being emotional, tender, expressive, shy. Chris had had these traits his whole life, had struggled with how he masculine he would seem, especially once he started to do action movies. It was an uncomfortable role that Chris would try and play, the opposite of his anxious, emotional self. He would be the cocky asshole, the Townie bro, the beer guzzling, loud, annoying dude, but it was always an act, a cover for him to hide under so no one saw how seemingly weak he really was.

Talking about the love between Steve and Bucky, acknowledging it with Sebastian, allowed Chris to stop holding back. He was able to have Steve respond to Bucky openly, to let that history between them show and the trust and love that came from it. Suddenly there was a softness to Steve, an emotion driven motivation. He threw over everything to save Bucky, and found his purpose by doing so. Chris was able to cry openly when Steve had lost Bucky, believed that one of the biggest reasons why Steve was able to sacrifice himself at the end of the movie was because he’d lost the one person who meant the most to him. He realized all of this, became aware of this depth of his character, was able to start to maybe accept a part of himself through Steve. All of this was because of Sebastian, because of this wonder who’d come into Chris’s world.

Chris quickly realized something, a link between things that he’d been noticing for awhile. Sebastian would do these small acts, little things, where he was deferring to Chris. They were things as subtle as always letting Chris walk ahead of him, holding back so Chris was always first at the catering table during meal breaks, asking Chris’s permission to try something in a scene. Even though Chris insisted that he didn’t have to be the last person on the call sheet, Sebastian was always in the makeup chair early so Chris could be in there alone, have the time to himself, was always already on set before him, giving him this show of respect that Chris felt like he didn’t deserve, even though technically as the lead he did. He noticed how more often than not it was Sebastian who would be handing him his ever present cup of coffee, how Sebastian had started to read a book that Chris said he loved, asking him all these questions about football, something that Chris knew he had had no prior interest in.

When he mentioned that he had noticed how Sebastian was yielding to him like this and told him it wasn’t necessary, Sebastian had shook his head, insistent. Chris told him that from an acting standpoint, this kind of commitment was amazing, showed a lot of thought and skill on Sebastian’s part.

“Well, yeah, thank you for that.” Sebastian ducked his head a little at the praise, blushing. “But you know, it’s not just that, I mean, I want to do those things for you.”

This beautiful, sweet, wonderful boy was constantly surprising him with the kindness he showed Chris, the respect. It was such a fragile thing, this growing connection between them that Chris could barely think about it. He was so scared of shattering this bubble around them, of losing this intimacy between him and Sebastian that he could never openly acknowledged it, not even to himself.

Locked behind all of his anxiety, his insecurities, his fear, Chris had lead a lonely life. All of his insecurities about himself, the ones that kept him from being confident enough to ease into conversations, to talk openly, to be himself in front of new people, they’d not just locked him away from having a lot of friends, they’d also messed up a lot of his romantic relationships. He wanted it, wanted an emotional connection with someone, but he was so sure that if he was his real self that he’d be rejected that he would put up this false front. Women expected him to be what he’d projected in his roles, this stereotypical cocky dude. He would try and be this, and sometimes was able to sustain it for a while, but ultimately they would realized that wasn’t who he was pretending to be. Chris knew that they would see these cracks in his facade, see this vaguely scared man underneath and ended up wanting nothing to do with him. This seemingly would confirm what he believed to be true, that no one wanted to be with the real him, the one plagued with self doubt. This affirmation who be like a fresh punch in the gut, but in the end was almost a relief when he didn’t have to keep on lying. Chris wanted to be honest, found it almost impossible to hide his real feelings, so doing it with someone he was dating left him exhausted, scattered.

He wasn’t completely isolated, he had his family, and the friends who he knew cared about him, but he always felt the most comfortable alone. He was used to this solitude, when he was alone he would have to worry about how everyone around him was perceiving him, how they were judging him. Though, more often as each year passed, he would have these heart clenching moments at night, after he turned off the light and rolled over to go to sleep where the room would seem gaping, huge, empty. This sharp loneliness would push into him then, deep and painful. He would wonder about what it must be like to have a connection to another person on a such and intimate level, to have a sense of complete safety, to trust them enough to be who he really was, to know that they accepted him fully, all parts of him. It had always seemed impossible. How could such a person exist, someone so patient and loving that they would see through all of Chris’s nerves and love him anyways.

Because of this, Sebastian was a slowly unfolding revelation. Maybe it was because he knew that their time together was limited, that soon he’d be gone, but Chris allowed himself to fall into this trust, to not try and break down this connection between them with all his crushing self doubt. Chris didn’t think it had anything to do with himself personally, this was just who Sebastian was and he’d been lucky enough to be playing a character opposite a role Sebastian was doing where this connection was necessary. This bubble that would happen around them, it was something he’d never experienced before, not on or off screen. He tried his best to honor it, to let himself float in the safety of it because in the long term, there was no risk. In the end they would each go their separate ways, so Chris didn’t have to worry about when he would ultimately disappoint Sebastian, just like he had with everyone else who he had tried to be close with in the past.

One the last day of filming they did that ‘let’s totally keep in touch’ banter that you always did at the end of a film, like promising your summer camp friends that you were going to stay in touch after you went your separate ways, but without that daily contact, that common purpose, there was less and less communication and it would eventually dwindle off into silence. Chris figured he might see Sebastian again at random events, but this closeness was done now, and Chris felt a genuine sense of grief over this.

He barely saw Sebastian while they were doing press, which was where he needed that calm focus the most. Chris was a jangling mess of nerves doing all these interviews. There was so many people, so much talking, so many questions, everything he was doing and saying being watched, recorded, photographed. He was deafened by his anxiety the entire time, barely coherent enough to know what he was saying, sick with the dread that he was prattling on and on.

He’d sat at the hotel bar by himself before the first premiere, having a beer to try and calm himself. He felt strangled by his collar and tie, his skin felt itchy and sweaty under the wool of his pants. When he lifted the bottle he realized his hand was trembling. He put it down, taking in shaky breaths as he tried to rein in his anxiety.

Suddenly, there were long articulate fingers loosening the death grip he had on the bottle, prying his hand off and wrapping themselves around it, squeezing gently. When he looked up there was blue eyes, so beautiful, clear, full of understanding.

“It’s okay,” Sebastian said, smiling sweetly at him. “I’ll be with you.”

This was so tenderly given, with such gentle reassurance, that Chris felt something inside of him break, felt a warmth take over the cold nerves.

Later, amoungst all the noise and voices, the flashing lights and screaming fans, Chris saw Sebastian lost, overwhelmed by it all and Chris realized that, yes, Sebastian was with him. That sense of singular focus fell over him and he pulled Sebastian’s attention to him, wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him into his side. That bond, it anchored both of them and his self appointed role as Sebastian’s guiding hand made all the screaming anxiety go quiet, allowed him to be bold and present, to be the star, happy to have Sebastian by his side sharing in the attention. He might not have Sebastian after that night, but right then, he was with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can check out [the tag I made on my tumblr](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) (homicidalbrunette) for the references I used for this fic and for a peek into what the coming chapters are going to include.
> 
> Also take a look at [my list of all my Stucky/MCU tags](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/157303943517/my-mcu-tags) because they're fun and kind of insane.
> 
>  [There's a playlist for this fic of the songs mentioned in each chapter, with more to be added with each chapter.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_)


	3. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this fic I made the decision I was going to write it just for myself and put in every crazy and/or hot thing I could come up with involving not just Chris and Sebastian but the whole Captain America cast. I loved writing this so I thought, what the hell, this is an awesome fandom, someone out there will enjoy this, and you all have responded to it so awesomely, I'm glad that I did. 
> 
> Shout out to vintage gay Hollywood in this chapter. A biography has suggested that during the 50s Marlon Brando had relationships with a lot of other male actors, including James Dean and Paul Newman and that idea is so hot I could die, so I decided to use it broadly. Also Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is a gay af movie. In the AMAZING documentary about gay subtext and toxic masculinity in Hollywood films _The Celluloid Closet_ ([watch it here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpclWBtH55k)), Susan Sarandon [says that instead of whipping out their dicks at the end, Redford and Newman whipped out their guns. ](https://youtu.be/bpclWBtH55k?t=1h21m19s) These things, added to the fact of [how much this reminds me of Sebastian and Chris](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/159278049462/butch-cassidy-and-the-sundance-kid) was my inspiration for their salacious bit in this chapter.

2012 to Spring 2013

It was to Chris’s complete and utter shock that Sebastian contacted him after they no longer had the movie as an excuse to be together. He spent an entire year assuming that there was no way that Sebastian would want to be his friend outside of work and would have continued on like this, not wanting to impose himself on him and make him uncomfortable, if Sebastian hadn’t been the one to message him, saying that they should hang out again sometime.

They would meet up every once in awhile, not often, but sometimes when Chris was in the city. There was something about having a friend who lived in the New York City that made Chris feel cool, which would then instantly make him feel like a huge dork for thinking so. Still, that feeling would come every time he watched Sebastian enter a restaurant with an unassuming ease, with that sense of propriety that all New Yorkers have, sweeping the room until his gaze settled on Chris and then grinning that delighted grin that he only gave Chris. There was a part of Chris that wanted to stand up and say to the room ‘That’s my friend, that totally hot dude, and he’s coming to have dinner with me!’

It was during those years that Chris’s life changed so drastically. He was suddenly famous, a part of the biggest movie of the year, and surrounded by a lot of very famous people. It was completely overwhelming and Chris spent a lot of time hanging back, wanting to be as far from all the attention as he could be.

Sebastian told him about seeing Chris’s face on a box of cereal in the grocery store and how weird it was for him.

“I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you, it must seem so surreal.” Sebastian had said it such open curiosity that for once Chris didn’t feel like he was being forced into dismissing it like he always had to when people casually brought this kind of exposure up.

“It is so fucking weird, dude, so fucking weird.” Chris said, happy to finally be able to talk about this, not having to act like it wasn’t a big deal. Waving away this level of notoriety so casually was a good way of not having to actualize it but it also left him feeling like some asshole actor attempting false modesty and coming off looking entitled.

“I bought some Avengers cookies, actually.” Sebastian admitted, his gaze ducking momentarily as a smirk curled the corner of his mouth.

“Oh god.”

“I just really wanted to have you in my mouth.” He looked up then, grinning devilishly and Chris huffed out a laugh, turning his face away, his cheeks burning.

“It’s so much fun to tease you.” Sebastian giggled, leaning forward on his elbows, close to Chris.

“Yeah, yeah.” Chris said, rolling his eyes even though he was still red with with blushing.

“At least I didn’t tell you what I’ve been doing with the Captain America action figure I bought. It can fit _all_ sorts of places.” Sebastian wiggled his eyebrows and Chris lost it, grabbing at him while throwing his head back laughing.

Sebastian let Chris talk about how weird all of it was, the merchandise, the press, how people would randomly yell out “CAP!” at him on the street, how disconcerting it was to have strangers act like they knew him. He always felt like he was letting people down when they encountered him in real life because he wasn’t all that Captain America was.

“No, Chris, you worked hard and you did a fucking amazing job.” Sebastian said, and when Chris went to brush it off he reached out and gently held onto his wrist, not letting him. “I saw all these kids at Halloween dressed up like Captain America. They were so proud, so happy, full of all this potential, dreaming about being a hero one day. You did that, Chris. You've inspired this kind of devotion, those dreams. It’s not just because of how good an actor you are either, it’s you. You’re such a such a good man. That’s what makes Steve real, that’s what makes him shine so bright.”

Chris felt his face go hot at the praise as he mumbled ‘okay, okay’ so Sebastian would stop, while also half hoping he would keep going. This thought would help propel him forward during those years, that he must be a good man if Sebastian thought so.

When Chris asked him how Sebastian how was doing, what parts he was reading for, Sebastian had rolled his eyes and smiled self consciously.

“Oh, you know, the usual twinks.”

This had caught Chris up short, not knowing how to respond. Sebastian smiled at him indulgently and gestured at himself, eyebrows up, as if to say ‘obviously’.

Chris didn’t know what to say at first. It was the closest they had gotten to discussing that side of their personal lives with each other. This hint of exactly how open Sebastian was in terms of his sexuality made a little burst of joy light up inside him and Chris tried to ignore it, to play it off, but he was pretty sure his stammering acknowledged it anyways. He ducked his gaze for a moment trying to smooth over this tripping over his words.

“Well, what if you, I mean, is that what you want? Like, do you want play different kinds of roles than that?”

Chris had no idea how Sebastian reacted to his flustered attempt to play it cool. By the time he was able to look at him again, Sebastian’s shoulders were drooping, gaze downcast.

“I dunno, I mean, I can also play an asshole.” He shrugged it off.

“I don’t want to sound like I know anything because fuck, man, I don’t know shit, as my stunning pre-Cap career will tell you, but you should go for other things, ask for other kinds of parts. You’re so fucking talented. I’ve seen how you can transform yourself, the kind of work you put into finding something in a character that everyone might have overlooked and it gives your performance so much depth.”

Sebastian’s face lit up at Chris’s words, and suddenly Chris felt that maybe if the only good thing he could ever do in his whole life was to get that beautiful face to shine so brightly that that would be enough.

The wave of joy that came over Chris when he was told that Sebastian was coming back for the second movie weakened him. He knew that he should have been scared. Chris had allowed himself to be that open to Sebastian because he thought their time together was finite, but having seen Sebastian during the time between the movies had slowly lessened the hold Chris’s fears had on him about this connection.

He’d been able to be his true self with Sebastian, still, after they’d been done with the movie. It had happened so naturally that it wasn’t until he was back with Sebastian, that bubble forming around the two of them again that Chris realized what this wonderful boy had done. He’d crept in so gently, been so careful with Chris because he could tell, without prompting, that Chris needed this kind of patience, that his nerves would keep him at a distance unless someone was able to get him comfortable enough to move past them. He knew a part of this was the role that Chris had in Sebastian’s process, how Sebastian’s attention to him was an extension of his character, that this was a level of understanding that Bucky had with Steve. Slowly, now, over the time since he'd first met Sebastian, he realized that he was Chris's friend as well, in a real way, and not just as a co-worker. Chris tried not to question how he'd gotten so lucky.

The second movie was bigger, so much bigger. They started early, Chris training on his own for a couple of months until finally seeing Sebastian again and then training with him. He’d been surprised that Sebastian was going to do as much of his own fighting as Chris was.

“You know, you don’t have to do this much of your own stunt work.” He had told Sebastian.

“But you are.”

“I know, but that’s because I’m some kinda masochist or something.” Chris laughed. “My brother told me I’m doing it because I like to suffer.”

“No, Chris, you want to do this for the same reason I do, because you know it will make your performance better, make it more real.” Sebastian smiled that sweet smile just for Chris. “Bucky wouldn’t let Steve fight alone, and I won’t let you either.”

Chris looked at him with such unabashed affection then, smiling back, and the silence between them was full of things that they both knew but didn’t need to say.

There was a big difference between talking about them learning the fight choreography and then actually doing it. Chris didn’t actualize that they were going to have to be so physical with each other, which, in hindsight, made him feel kind of naive, considering.

Those first few days had not gone great. Chris shuffled and tripped, distracted and overwhelmed by the heady, indefinable emotions that crowded his brain from touching Sebastian this much. He realized, eventually, that Sebastian was reacting to his uncertainty, that he was afraid of pushing too much, of holding on too tight. Together, this hesitancy with one another was making all of their attempts at the moves fail, both of them slipping out of each other’s too loose grasps, not falling through on the feigned punches and kicks with any kind of conviction. The trainers kept reminding them that they needed to go harder, to not be afraid of hurting the other, which brought up a whole other level of Chris’s reluctance. God, what if hurt Sebastian? How could he live with himself if he bruised that perfect skin, if he caused Sebastian pain?

They were a week into this abortive attempt at training when both of their phones had chimed at the same time. Each of them turned to check, and then instantly looked up at one another.

“Hayley.” They said at the same time, grinning at each other.

Chris had made her and Sebastian come to his house, telling Hayley that there was no way that the three of them could get up to the kind of shenanigans that they usually got up to, not in Los Angeles where there was a paparazzi around every hedge.

“Did you really just say shenanigans?” Hayley had laughed over the phone then finally agreeing. “Well I know the reason is because you want to get Sebastian and I into your bed for a hot three-way so I’m going to do some stretches before I get there so I’m nice and flexible for the evening ahead.”

“Yeah you do that.” Chris said. “Bring extra lube, will ya?”

Of course Hayley had shown up at his house with a gallon sized bottle of strawberry flavored lube with a bow attached to it.

“It’s a hostess gift!” She said, grinning that wicked grin of hers. “Besides, it’s the good stuff, water based. Less burn.”

“I’m going to gloss over how you know that.” After successfully convincing Dodger to climb off Hayley Chris had pulled her inside, making her put down the bottle so he could wrap his arms around her and hug her tight.

“I thought that you boys can use it for all this wrestling you’ve been doing.” She whispered in his ear.

He pulled away, ducking his gaze at this, at being so close to the thing that he’d been dealing with so acutely in the last week.

“Oh I see.” Hayley said softly, and Chris knew instantly that she knew, that she read him like a book, like she always did.

The three of them spent the evening sitting around Chris’s kitchen table, eating Thai take out and drinking Merlot. Chris was so perfectly happy in that moment, with Sebastian on his left and Hayley across from him, smiled contently to himself as he watched these two beautiful, incredible people that he was lucky enough to know, that he cared so deeply for. Hayley’s eyes sparkled with fiendish delight as she teased Chris gently, making him blush and stammer and laugh until he felt tears in his eyes, reaching out for her so much that she ended up taking his hand and holding it.

It was as much fun to watch her tease Sebastian, to see how she cooed at him, petted him, leaned forward into his space with her chin resting on her hand, listening to him like he was a child, nodding her head at his attempts to act like he wasn’t affected by her. Sebastian tried to hold his own, to shrug off her telling him how precious he was, acting cocky as she patted him on the cheek, all gum-smacking swagger as she started to practically purr at him.

This never ending game of chicken that they played with each other was excruciating for Chris to watch, both of them so bold and cocky, being so forward and unrepentant, pushing and pushing until, inevitably, Sebastian broke and ended up collapsed on the table, laughing with his face flushed red, Hayley’s responding laugh rich with triumph. God only knew what would happen if Sebastian was ever able to keep pushing, if they actually played out all of these obscene suggestions that they made.

They were almost finished the third bottle of wine when Hayley had told them that she needed to put her feet up. Chris took her hand, helping her stand and walk over to the big plush couch in his front room. She’d sunk into it with a replete sigh, not letting go of his hand, pulling him down with her. He ended up pressed into her side, the wine making everything seems soft and rosy around the edges. They watched as Sebastian walked around the couch, wobbling ever so slightly while trying to get to the chair on the side of the room.

“Oh no you don’t.” Hayley said resolutely, and reached up to grab Sebastian by the belt, making him plop down unceremoniously onto her lap.

“Hayley, no, come on!” He protested.

“Nope, I won tonight so what I say goes.” She wrapped her arms around him, pinning his arms to his side, moving him so he was flush against her. “You’re my bitch for the rest of the night.”

Sebastian huffed out a laugh, and Chris could see him flush, though he couldn’t tell whether it was embarrassment or something else.

“And what a pretty little bitch you are too!” Hayley said, nuzzling into his shoulder. “Isn’t he the prettiest bitch you’ve ever seen, Christopher?”

The wine, the company, the familiarly, it had all had made Chris’s anxiety disappear and he stretched out his arm to wrap behind her on the back of the couch.

“He is definitely one of the prettiest bitches I have ever encountered.”

“See that, Sebastian? Pretty lil’ bitch, that’s what you are.”

“You guys are fucking terrible.” Sebastian groaned out.

“What? We’re what? Speak up, precious, we didn’t hear you.” She said, laughing at his squirming.

“Yeah, what was that?” Chris asked.

“I said you two are assholes!” Sebastian shouted through his laughter.

“Ohhhhh, assholes, that’s a dirty word!” Hayley poked at his ribs, causing him to squirm even more. “Dirty mouth on this one!”

She pressed her knuckles into his ribs then and he doubled over, gasping and laughing.

“STOP! STOP! NO TICKLING! IT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Pretty bitches don’t get any say in the matter!” She shouted at him and grinned at Chris, gesturing at him to do it too. He reached out then and pushed his fingertips into a spot in Sebastian’s armpit, the spot that he knew where everyone was the most ticklish.

“AH! FUCK!” Sebastian cried out, attempting to break out of Hayley’s grip.

“Poor, poor Sebastian,” he said as he laughed at Sebastian’s flailing.

“Oh, yes, you poor precious boy!” Hayley cooed, finally stopping to pull him back, pressing him to her and Chris’s shoulders, and Sebastian let his head rest back between theirs, taking in deep breaths.

“You guys, you guys, that was mean.” He said, his eyes closed, gulping in breaths as he tried to regain his composure.

“Yeah but it was a lot of fun.” Chris said and then reached out, without thought, shifting him so he was partially on his knee, taking some of Sebastian’s weight off of Hayley.

“Would have been a lot less fun if I started to barf up red wine all over your living room.”

Sebastian sprawled then, all liquid limbs now, his long legs laying over theirs, his heel knocking into Chris’s ankle. Chris’s arm was still around the back of the couch behind Hayley and his other had, without him realizing it, found its way over the one Hayley had wrapped around Sebastian. The three of them sat there, dazed with wine, flush with laughing, all warm together.

“Lord, Sebastian, you’re right on my bladder.” Suddenly Hayley was heaving Sebastian forward, sliding out from under him, wavering just slightly as she stood up.

“Be careful there, Atwell. Don’t wanna barf red wine all over my living room!” Chris said as Sebastian giggled at her.

“Oh do shut up.” She said, steadying herself, and then gliding away like a queen, tossing a cocky grin over her shoulder as she walked to the bathroom.

Chris didn’t know how long it was until he realized that it was just him and Sebastian curled up together now, Sebastian very contentedly lying partially on him, forehead pressed to Chris’s arm where it rested along the couch, leg still hooked over Chris’s. Chris could feel all of Sebastian’s warmth seeping into him, how perfectly Sebastian’s body fit against his, the rise and fall of Sebastian’s breaths under the hand he had on Sebastian’s chest. This was so comfortable, felt so right. He pressed his nose against Sebastian’s shoulder and breathed in deep, pulling in Sebastian’s scent, something he’d tried to define for years now but could never pinpoint, something that just smelt like him and him alone.

Everything about this moment, about how they were lying against each other, about how Chris was embracing him felt soft, safe. Sebastian let out a sigh that sounded content, and Chris was just starting to close his eyes and completely fall into the embrace when he realized that Hayley was back, standing in the doorway, smiling at them.

They both quickly pulled away like teenagers who’d been caught necking on the couch, ending up rather ungracefully attempting to untangle themselves, both of them with guilty looks on their faces.

“Little stumbly bumbly kittens.” Hayley said, coming towards them and leaning over, pulling Chris’s arm back around Sebastian and then pressing a kiss to Sebastian’s forehead.

“Huh?” Chris replied eloquently. She giggled at him, kissing his forehead as well.

“You two boys are like timid little kittens around each other.” She smiled with pure affection at both of them then pulling in her bottom lip a little with what looked like sympathy.

“It’s okay, my darlings.” She nudged Sebastian’s leg back over Chris’s. “This is okay.”

The next day of training Chris understood what she meant. Sebastian was still holding back until Chris reached out, grasped his wrist tightly and pulled Sebastian towards him without the shyness of before.

“Come on, tough guy, lemme see what you got.” He grinned cockily at Sebastian and watched as the realization dawned on him, all of that nervousness fading away.

“Oh, you’re going to regret saying that.” Sebastian said, smirking at him.

This physically intimacy, cloaked in the guise of violence, was like walking between two worlds. They were supposed to be doing these things with the intent of hurting each other, while also having to ensure that they weren’t. It required them both to be very aware of each other, to always be conscious of their physical proximity, to always ensure that there was only gentle contact between them.

There was something in this, in having Sebastian throw a punch at him only to have it land softly against his chest, cupped firmly in his own hands, that felt like a metaphor. Violence turned to caution. Awareness of physical intimacy to ensure gentleness. An attack that was actually a dance between them, done again and again until they moved fluidly, wordlessly, quickly, perfectly in tune with each other. It was each of them balancing out the other, a easy shifting back and forth of control and trust until something happened that made the balance tip.

Chris had to pick Sebastian up by the waist and flip him over his shoulder. When he came up behind Sebastian, wrapped his arms under him, pulling him against his chest, something flickered up inside Chris. Without any doubt or hesitation, he used all his strength to lift Sebastian up, against his body, hefting him over his shoulder with a grunt of exertion, landing on his back. He laid there for a moment, overwhelmed at being able to physically overpower Sebastian like that. Something almost primal came over Chris then as he moved back to his feet and looked down at Sebastian, now on his knees in front of him, eyes huge and gazing up at Chris in what was, in that single moment, utter supplication.

The responsibility of this power made itself known to Chris soon afterwards. It was just the two of them going through one of the sequences again, over and over and over, to make it feel like second nature, when Chris became acutely aware of Sebastian’s sweat dampened skin under his touch, how easily his hands slipped over skin, thought of how he’d smell like Sebastian now, this essence of his scent on him.

In the haze of this, that primal urge came out. He was taking in deep fast breaths through his nose, instinctively pulling in Sebastian’s scent as his gaze narrowed down to the expanse of Sebastian’s skin in front of him, all golden and smooth and slick. Without thought, his grip became rougher, tighter, and he pulled Sebastian in harder than he meant to, finishing the move by bringing up his knee to where it was supposed to land softly against Sebastian’s solar plexus.

He knew instantly that he’d done this too hard, could feel Sebastian’s chest bone solid against his kneecap, heard him heave out a pained breath and it broke Chris out of the trance he’d been locked in.

“Oh my god, oh my god.” Chris was felt his whole body freeze, terrified of what had just happened. “Sebastian? Are you alright?”

He moved to gently hold onto Sebastian’s upper arms, as Sebastian gingerly pulled himself upright. Chris’s eyes frantically searched his face, seeing the brow knit with pain even though Sebastian was trying to smile, already reaching out to gently reassure Chris.

“I’m okay, I’m okay, it’s okay” He said, winded.

“I am so sorry!” Chris’s hands grazed over Sebastian’s shoulders.

“It’s okay, Chris, this happens, it’s okay.”

Chris knew this was true, he knew that impact was sometimes unavoidable, but this time it was entirely his fault.

“But that was, I was, I was too rough with you.” Chris said softly so only Sebastian could hear.

Sebastian’s eyes had flickered up to his then, those beautiful eyes full of something that Chris had never seen so fully in Sebastian before. It was a flare of something, something that Chris couldn’t let himself believe was desire.

With his chin still down, Sebastian was looking at him through his lashes, eyes wide, those full lips open slightly, and it was like the whole world tilted in that moment. He felt Sebastian’s fingers against his chest then, lightly.

“S’okay, Chris.” He said, voice breathy. “It’s...it’s okay.”

“Okay.” They stood there, neither one moving, until Chris felt that need to make sure he was safe rush in. “Come sit down.”

His hand still wrapped around Sebastian’s bicep, he gently pulled him over to sit on the bench at the side of the gym. He reached out and pushed the damp hair out of Sebastian’s eyes, smiling at him until Sebastian smiled back.

“Stay here.” He said firmly and Sebastian nodded, still taking in short cautious breaths. Chris came back with an ice pack wrapped in a towel, finding Sebastian leaning back against the wall, his eyes closed. Chris laid his hand on his shoulder and Sebastian fell into the touch ever so slightly, eyes not opening. With the utmost gentleness, Chris put the ice pack against where his knee had landed on his chest. Sebastian’s breathing hitched at the contact, his brow knit slightly, but didn’t flinch, didn’t move away, eyes still closed. His trust in Chris was implicit and unbreachable. Chris reached out to again stroke the hair off his forehead, running his fingers across Sebastian’s brow again and then again until the furrow smoothed out.

Sebastian lifted his hand then and placed it over where Chris was holding the icepack to his chest and finally his eyes fluttered open, just barely, and it was there again, that complete supplication.

Something slowly changed during the training and then the filming of the second movie. They still had their easy back and forth, that familiar comfort from having worked together before, from being friends for a while, but this interaction, this physical intimacy had moved them beyond that. They knew each other so closely now that they had unconsciously developed a shorthand, a silent communication, just gestures and looks that were instantly, instinctively understood.

He could feel the both of them using this shorthand when they would film a scene, this quiet feeling of knowing the other so intimately falling in line with that connection that Steve and Bucky had, the long held familiarity. Chris always knew that Sebastian was there, by his side, and it strengthened him. It made sense that Bucky was someone Steve needed and cared about so much that he would risk his life to save him, because Chris could feel his own sense of devotion to Sebastian within himself as well.

Chris was so grateful for this connection between him and Sebastian, this unique, special, private thing that had grown over those few years. He drew so much strength and confidence from it, had a sense of purpose like he never had before, that he never dared to push past it, to see if there could be more. He was still cautious of fetishizing Sebastian’s looks, of objectifying him, but even after all that time Chris still had moments where he couldn’t believe just how beautiful Sebastian was. Some part of him, a part beyond his control, still catalogued all of the smallest details about Sebastian; the way his eyes changed when he was lost inside the moment, the flicker of boyish delight that danced over his face when he laughed, the curve of his cheek when he was smirking up at Chris. He gathered up all these visuals, all of this information, and stored it deep within him, not letting himself study the intent behind his need to do so too closely.

Even though he would fight it, there were moments when he’d been so close to Sebastian all day that at night a deep desire would roll through him from the top of his head out through his whole body, pooling in his center. His cock would swell so fast, so hard, that he would barely have to touch himself before he was coming, biting back Sebastian’s name on his lips. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t allow himself to go farther than that, couldn’t let himself imagine for even a moment that there could be more, imagine what it would look like to have Sebastian on his knees in front of him, to see that look of utter supplication as Chris lovingly reached down and tilted his chin up so Sebastian could... no, God, no, he couldn’t, he couldn’t. He would pull himself back from the precipice, knowing that the depths of that desire were endless, and that he might never be able to hold back his longing once he let himself think about what it would be like for real.

Over a month into filming Sebastian had pulled Chris aside during lunch, his face bright with excitement.

“I have to tell you something because I haveta tell someone, but it’s something that no one can know, so if I tell you will you not tell anyone?”

“I am like, concerned that I actually understood that.” Chris snorted. “OK, I promise, it’s going in the vault. Now tell me.”

Sebastian had glanced around them quickly, then leaned forward, looking at Chris in barely contained glee.

“I went home with Robert last night.”

“RDJ was here?”

“No, Chris.” Sebastian looked at him with compete levity. “Other Robert.”

“Wait, what? What do you mean?”

“Last night, as I was leaving, he saw me, and asked me if I wanted to come to his place and have a drink.” Sebastian said.

“Robert Redford?”

“Yeah!”

"That's awesome, dude!  His place must be amazing.  Did you meet his wife?"

Sebastian stopped at this, mouth forming an O.

"No, Chris.  He asked me to come home with him because he wanted it to be just him and I, so we could be alone."

"What do you mean...."  Realization dawned on Chris.  "Oh my god."

"Yeah."

"He asked you if you wanted to have sex?"

"No, it's not like that.  It's this thing that happens with men, it's an unspoken kinda understanding.  Asking me over for a drink, that's code for something else, something that can't be asked for directly." Sebastian explained.  "It's something that men do, men who want to sleep with other men but have to be seen as straight.  It's usually older men who couldn't come out when they were younger and things weren't like they are now.  It's like a pre-Grindr version of finding a hook up."

"What's Grindr?"  

Sebastian pulls in his bottom lip at this, struggling to hold back a smile.

"It's a hook up app for gay guys."

"Oh, what like match.com?"

Sebastian very sweetly and lovingly smiled at him then, and Chris got the distinct feeling that he was maybe a bit behind on social media stuff. 

"Yeah, kinda like that."

"So this is like how gay guys would be able to find each other, like, before the Internet?"

"Well one of the ways.  It's kind of a thing in the industry, an older man with influence and a young actor starting out. I used to do it when I was younger, because I was this, you know, this pretty boy, I got a lot of attention. Back then I really just wanted to fuck or be fucked, especially when I was being validated for it.   Now I know that I was being used as a commodity, my appearance was, and that they didn't see really see me as a person."  His eyes flicker up to Chris's and a grateful expression falls over his face.  "Now I know that I'm more than that."

There was a moment where Chris thought that maybe he'd been partially responsible for this, but he couldn't form the words to ask Sebastian if it was true.

"So why did you do it last night?"

"I mean, come on, Robert fucking Redford?  Like I was going to say no?  I've crushed hard on him since I watched _The Sting_ when I was 14."

"So what... what did you... "

"I jerked off while he watched."  Sebastian said, his smile tinged with cockiness.

 Chris was incapable of responding to this, his brain shorting out as a scalding heat burned through his whole body.

“Seriously, one of the greatest, most surreal moments of my life.” Sebastian was looking at him again, unabashed pride on his face. Chris felt like he had just gone over the drop of a roller coaster, his stomach in his throat.

“Wow." He attempted a response. "The fucking Sundance Kid.”

“Well yeah, that’s the other thing.”

“What other thing?”

Sebastian leaned closer, so his mouth was just inches from Chris’s ear, and his voice was intimate, low.

“When I was, you know, doing it for him, he said, I mean, he called me Paul.”

Chris reeled back again, incredulously staring at him.

“Like…”

“Yeah, like Paul Newman, I guess? I mean, I think, maybe. I mean, like, sometimes people tell me that I look like him.” Sebastian said it without even a trace of ego.

Chris looked at him then, the perfect profile making him look like his face should be stamped on an ancient Greek coin, the light blue eyes full of unfathomable depth and emotion, the set of that beautiful, beautiful mouth and he silently agreed.

“Fuck. Do you think that they…”

“I don’t know, maybe? Maybe they did, or maybe they never did and he regrets it.”

They stopped then, and Chris became suddenly very aware of the intimacy of the conversation, of how close Sebastian was to his mouth, about the idea of not acting on something and regretting it.

In that moment, Chris knew exactly what that felt like.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can check out [the tag I made on my tumblr](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) (homicidalbrunette) for the references I used for this fic and for a peek into what the coming chapters are going to include.
> 
> Also take a look at [my list of all my Stucky/MCU tags](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/157303943517/my-mcu-tags) because they're fun and kind of insane.
> 
>  [There's a playlist for this fic of the songs mentioned in each chapter, with more to be added with each chapter.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_)


	4. Your Buddy, Your Pal, Your Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so so much for the hits and kudos and amazing comments everyone - they have turned what was a bit of a rough patch for me personally into a place where I'm feeling so much more assured. You're all lovely.

"Her friend - and her partner on the stage. You will not believe me, but making love to Kitty - a thing done in passion, but always, too, in shadow and silence, and with an ear half-cocked for the sound of footsteps on the stairs - making love to Kitty and posing at her side in a shaft of limelight, before a thousand pairs of eyes, to a script I knew by heart, in an attitude I had laboured for hours to perfect - these things were not so very different.  A double act is always twice the act that the audience thinks it; beyond our songs, our steps, our bits of business with coins and canes and flowers, there was a private language, in which we held an endless, delicate exchange of which the crowd knew nothing.  This was a language not of the tongue but of the body, its vocabulary the pressure of a finger or a palm, the nudging of a hip, the holding or breaking of a gaze, that said, _You are too slow - you got too fast - not there but here - that's good - that's better!_  It was as if we walked before the crimson curtain, lay down upon the boards and kissed and fondled - and were clapped, and cheered, and paid for it!"  

\- _Tipping the Velvet_ by Sarah Waters

 

2013 to Spring 2014

 

The dialogue in these movies, beyond the trailer-ready quips and clichés, was always vague. In the scenes where it was just Steve and another character sometimes it was just a few lines, establishing what needed to be said to advance the plot and not much else in terms of character development or Steve’s relationships to these other characters. These new directors, however, trusted Chris’s familiarity with the character and thankfully he was allowed to improv what felt natural, to lead the scene and let the other actor respond in kind.

Of course with Scarlett it was beyond easy. They had known each other for so long, had acted together before, were both firmly rooted in their characters. They were able to slip right into it, volleying back and forth like they were doing a drama class exercise. The new guy Anthony had a level of confidence and a sense of humour that was so natural that all of these quirks ended up coming through into Sam as well. His scenes become one of Chris’s favorite parts of filming because it wasn’t like work at all; in fact the only part that was difficult was controlling his own laughter to the smart ass responses that Anthony would lob at him, in and out of character.

With Sebastian, however, it was different. Steve finally had someone who understood him in a way no one else could, someone who had been the most important person in his life who he thought he’d lost forever. Chris definitely had a place to draw from for this. He did think he’d lost Sebastian after the first movie, that he would never be with Sebastian in a scene together again. He knew what Steve felt, that gratefulness for that intimate connection being there again.

Being with Sebastian again brought up a lot of questions that Chris didn’t have an answer for, about what Sebastian meant to him and how to define what Chris felt for him. These feelings were so strong, so deep, that it was frightening for Chris to try and label them. Chris couldn’t answer these questions, he was scared to. It was toeing that line, pressing a little too closely into that anxiety Chris still felt inside him, about questioning this sense of connection, about what it meant, about why Sebastian cared so much about him. Chris knew from experience that if he tried to analyze it his own racing, fearful thoughts would crush this fragile thing and he’d be incapable of feeling safe in their connection again.

It was easier to answer these questions as Steve. Within the guise of the role Chris felt more and more unfettered. Steve loved Bucky. They had shared an intimacy beyond anything else in either of their lives. Bucky knew the real Steve, the skinny, bullheaded defender of the downtrodden. They’d walked side by side through a war together, in the end Bucky had sacrificed his life, and Chris believed that Steve hadn’t been able to go on without him, and in the end, sacrificed his life not just to save the world, but for Bucky as well, refusing to go on in a world without him. Steve found an escape, fell into the same abyss as Bucky, a cold grave where they would be together again.

Suddenly Steve was snatched from this safety, pulled out of his escape and spun into a terrifying, surreal future, his grief for Bucky still sharp and fresh inside him. He spent years after, alone, out of place, out of time, connecting to other people only through the need to carry on despite heavy burdens that made each breath difficult.

Then there was Bucky, not a memory desperately held close, not a ghost that haunted him, flesh and blood, still young, still that same face, alive in front of him. Everything Steve was going to do from that moment on was going to be for Bucky. In a way that echoed that focus Chris felt with Sebastian, Bucky made the disconnect that Steve felt with the world melt away, and was something real, something achingly familiar to really pull him out of the ice finally, to make him feel something again, make him feel love and hope, banished the sense of isolation that he had felt for years. That was the moment where Steve finally came back to life. Bucky drew everything into focus just like Sebastian did for Chris.

In these scenes, these moments where it was just Steve and Bucky, Chris felt all of those anxieties, all his fears about what he felt for Sebastian fall away. This wasn’t Chris and Sebastian, this was Steve and Bucky. He was allowed to be free with his feelings here, because this openness was understandable, and the consequences of acting on them, speaking them aloud made things better, saved the both of them.

Watching Sebastian’s reactions to him in these scenes was mesmerizing. The responses were so subtle, this struggle against years of torture, of things being taken from him, the echo of this good man locked inside a body that acted beyond his consent. He could see Sebastian making Steve the thing that was pulling out those emotions that had been locked deep down inside Bucky. Steve’s refusal to fight, his purely defensive and non-aggressive responses to the violence from this cold, unfeeling man that he saw only as Bucky, it set off something inside Bucky that only Steve could touch. In this space, Chris was able to be something different, something more emotional than what he’d been playing since the first movie. It was Steve’s total trust that Bucky would never hurt him intentionally, literally laying down his life within this belief.

The dialogue in the script for these scenes, these moments amoungst the fighting, were sketchy at best. When they did these lines at first they felt weak and inadequate. Chris asked to try it again, and this time, he let that quiet assured connection between him and Sebastian guide him. Just like Steve knew about Bucky, he knew Sebastian was gentle and sweet, that he had a goodness in him that would always shine through. This was what made him the miracle that he was.

Each take it came so easily to him; I won’t fight you, I can’t fight you, I would never fight you. Finally the words came to the surface, those words that Chris had been so afraid of, could never say aloud.

“I won’t fight you. You’re my friend. I love you.” Something passed over Sebastian’s face then, so quickly, a flash of so many emotions; gratefulness, relief, joy, and there it was, that love reflected back at him.

Sebastian holding him down, looming over him, voice ragged with emotion, pushing against fear and confusion and all Chris could say was “I’ve loved you my whole life.”

Those eyes, crystalline with tears, were so clear, so full of love. It was so easy for Steve to say to Bucky, for Chris to say to Sebastian, “I’m with you 'til the end of the line.”

When he actually saw the movie the first time, he felt a deep sadness that those words of love had been taken away from Steve, from him. That sadness merged with his fears, reminding him that he wasn’t allowed to say them, despite the fact that in those months between filming and press, Chris had realized, had finally allowed himself to acknowledge that yes, he did love Sebastian.

Saying those words within the confines of the character had released Chris from those fears, shut off the white noise that had hidden this truth. In the initial time apart, Chris had fought an internal battle, the panic searing him when he would think about that word, that feeling. During reshoots, though, within that clearly established safe space of the characters’ bond, he looked at Sebastian, this kind, beautiful, wonderful man who had changed him, had given him a sense of purpose, a confidence that he’d never had before, and he couldn’t deny it. It was almost cruel to be dismissive of this feeling he had for him. It was love. He loved him. He had for a long time now.

He was so happy that much of the press he did, the meet and greets, the appearances, that they were with Sebastian. With that anxiety about how he felt for him gone, there was an ease to their interactions beyond what had been there before. He was completely unguarded now, looking at Sebastian with all the utter fondness that he felt, their silent communication so subtle and so easy.

Chris was there with him, the only other person who knew what it felt like to be jostled and handled, to be put in seemly absurd positions, surrounded by people who you made nervous just by being these characters, by being in these movies. He watched as fame wrapped around Sebastian, saw him become wide eyed and overwhelmed, and was able to, with a hand on his shoulder, with a raised eyebrow, with a knowing grin or a kind smile, let him know it was okay, that he was safe, that Chris was there with him. He watched Sebastian smile back with relief, watched him laugh so quietly that only Chris heard it, understood it, watched as Sebastian subtly asked for guidance, for permission from Chris to step forward, to speak, to represent the work they had done. Without a word spoken, Chris encouraged him to be proud, to be confident in his performance, to know he deserved all this.

This new ease with each other came out in private as well. When they’d be in the car, behind the stage, in the hotel lounge together, Sebastian and him were interacting in a way like they never had before. Chris was knocking into him, grabbing his shoulder, touching his chest, pulling him in to whisper into his ear, and Sebastian fell into all this affection gratefully. He was able to reciprocate, standing closer to him, brushing his hand, his arm, his leg against Chris, and looking up at him with that look of complete trust and affection. He blossomed under the attention from Chris, and Chris could tell that Sebastian had been aware of his feelings for much longer than Chris had and was waiting for Chris to realize it himself. All of that deferring, all of the ways he’d subtly encouraged Chris to take the lead, the way he’d supplicate himself, it all made sense now that Chris had actualized that it was love that had been where that trust had come from.

It made itself the most apparent in one of those early days of press they did together. They’d had only an hour break, in some back room in a hotel, or an office, or a studio, Chris had been so tired from all the interacting with strangers that he’d just done he couldn’t be sure. After he’d inhaled his lunch, he’d sunk into a couch in a quiet corner, putting his feet up and laying his spinning head back, closing his eyes.

He felt a presence then, a gentle shifting next to him, and looked to see that Sebastian had sat down on the floor next to him, knees up, as he looked down at his phone.

“Sorry, Seb, here, come up on the couch.” When he started to push himself up, Sebastian quickly put out a hand on his chest, pressing him gently down again.

“No Chris, you stay,” he insisted. “I’m happy here.”

Chris wavered for a moment, feeling selfish, until he saw that, yes, Sebastian was happy there, sitting below Chris, close to him. He could see it in the softness of his expression, in the way his body was relaxed, his shoulders pressed back against Chris’s hip and thigh. There was that primal instinct, this part of Chris telling him that yes, this was what Sebastian wanted, just as much as he himself felt so at ease with it.

“At least take a pillow to sit on.” Chris said, pulling the throw pillow out from behind his shoulders and handing it to him. Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, but Chris said softly, firmly, “Sebastian, take it.”

Sebastian ducked his head, looking up at him with almost a serene reverence, and they were both falling into a space that felt so completely right, where they were both safe, assured, focused, where Sebastian was cared for, where Chris knew what he needed.

“Okay.” Sebastian said softly, taking the pillow.

Chris pulled his one arm up to tuck his hand under his head to support it, closing his eyes again and then reached out his other hand to rest on Sebastian’s shoulder. This touch was completely natural and without forethought, this literal guiding hand. He laid like this for a while, until he felt, on some unconscious level, that Sebastian was looking at him.

Just barely opening his eyes, Chris watched as Sebastian took quick sideways glances at him, and realized just what it was he was looking at. He flexed the bicep that was already straining from his arm being up, doing it a couple of time while grinning slightly, and watched Sebastian laugh quietly at being caught, his head turning back away, his cheeks stained with a blush.

Chris raised the hand off Sebastian’s shoulder and with total affection lightly grazed his knuckle along Sebastian’s jaw, almost like he was chucking him under the chin. He rested his hand back on Sebastian’s shoulder again, this time slipped it forward so his thumb was where his shoulder met his neck, with his forefinger laid against Sebastian’s fluttering pulse.

Laying there, eyes closed, he was able to shut out any noise, to focus only on the feel of Sebastian’s warmth under his palm, the soft skin of his neck and the steady beat of his heart. That thrumming started to lull him, and without realizing it he slipped away, able to rest so easily, without the rush of anxiousness that usually made sleep so difficult to reach.

When he started to do interviews on his own, he realized that their bond wasn’t as private as he thought it was. Suddenly there were a lot of remarking on how close Steve and Bucky were, about the feelings between them. Even without the definitive dialogue, the intimacy between them was apparent. This was so personal that talking about it with each one of the dozens and dozens of people who kept asking about it felt wrong. Chris would shy away from these questions, play it down because he didn’t want people to know what he really felt. That belonged to only him and Sebastian. The connection was private, a space that was implicit between them. This was true for Steve and Bucky as well, that was something that only those two characters truly understood, that their unique lives were similar in a way beyond what anyone else had experienced.

Chris didn’t want to be afraid of being emotional anymore, didn’t want to have to stop himself from feeling what was so true inside him. He knew that the hoards, all of those eyes judging whether he was manly enough to play this most masculine of characters, that they were appraising him, scanning through the movie with that fear that he’d felt before, scared that there was something more than a brotherly, hands off, unexpressed bond.

It was more than just the movie that was being judged. The interaction between him and Sebastian started to feel like it was being monitored. He could sense what felt like people holding their breaths in anticipation. Suddenly it was like people were eavesdropping, waiting for something more. This tension still didn’t push away Chris’s sense of comfort with Sebastian, if anything it made him want to protect their connection even more, to protect Sebastian and that trusting vulnerability.

In amoungst all of these moments, all of this openness of expression, that awareness in Chris about how much he loved Sebastian, something unexpected happened.

Of course other people had started to notice Sebastian, how gentle and genuine and funny he was, and were drawn to him. Usually it would delight Chris, to see other people enthralled by him and Sebastian having no idea that he was that beguiling. Sometimes Chris was a part of it, part of the laughter and sudden bursts of affection that would seem come out of Sebastian from his very core.

When he saw Sebastian with Mackie, however, there was this twinge inside him, a nagging mix of jealousy and insecurity. He started to notice how much more open and talkative Sebastian was, that Mackie had brought him out of his shell. That quiet shyness that Sebastian tended to have during press started to fade, and here was this quick witted, playful boy that usually only those who were closest to him got to see.

It felt childish to be jealous of Sebastian having a new friend, especially one that made him shine so bright, and someone who Chris had a great deal of affection for as well. Chris knew that he wasn’t entitled to Sebastian’s sole attention. Chris would push down that jealousy and that insecurity as much as he could. There would be moments though where they would all be together and the two of them were talking to each other in some shared code that Chris didn’t understand and suddenly Chris felt isolated with this sudden disconnect from Sebastian. He would close in on himself then, all of his self doubt so loud that he couldn’t see anything else.

Chris felt a sense of possessiveness with Sebastian that he knew he didn’t deserve but he still felt like he was entitled to after all this time. Sebastian was his because Bucky was Steve’s. Sebastian was his because Chris knew what he looked like when tears dropped from his lashes as he talked about being this little immigrant kid in a fancy school in America and feeling so completely alone. Sebastian was his because Chris was the one who made him feel calm and present during moments of surrealness in their lives, in turn making Chris feel the same. Sebastian was his because they had a connection that was unique and special and so important to Chris. Sebastian was his because Chris was the one who guided him, the one who protected him and took care of him.

Somewhere in Asia things had boiled over. Where he’d barely been able to keep his eyes open all afternoon during the interviews and press conference because of his jet lag, at midnight Chris was sitting up in bed, all the lights on, wide awake. Sebastian had texted him then, told him that he and Mackie had found a bar a few blocks away that they were going to even though they all had to be on a flight at noon, and invited Chris to come.

Chris battled back and forth between feeling like the third wheel, like they’d invited him only to be nice, and the need to get out of his hotel room, the need to spend as much time as possible with Sebastian. Finally that need won out and he’d joined them.

They weren’t as exclusive as Chris had expected, and he was, much to his embarrassment, reminded that not only was Mackie also his friend, Sebastian was very much so as well. The alcohol definitely helped deafen those insecurities, and mixed with the disorientation of jet lag and being in this unfamiliar place where he didn’t speak the language or understand the culture making everything seem vaguely unreal, like a weird dream.

He didn’t know what time it was when they went back to the hotel, lightheaded with not enough sleep and too much liquor. Everything felt distant, like he was seeing it but not a part of it. The elevator doors opened and they went down the hallway, and he realized that the two of them were definitely as loopy as he was, all three of them bashing into each other, Chris between them like a ping pong ball being passed back and forth. He meekly told them to stop and heard them both sniggering. He was just started to feel ridiculous, upset at being treated this way, when he felt Sebastian put a steadying arm around his waist.

“You got him?” He heard Mackie say as Chris leaned against Sebastian so much that he’d started to close his eyes.

“Yeah, I got him. Go get some sleep.” Sebastian’s voice was close, right next to Chris’s ear, and Chris felt that warmth in the center of his chest bloom. “Come on, Chris, let’s get you into bed.”

“Oh okay!” Chris had enthusiastically responded to this suggestion, the blurriness making it uncertain whether this was a joke or not.

When he opened his eyes again, he watched Sebastian fumble one handedly with the key card, finally opening the door then guiding Chris inside. Chris had no idea if it was his own hotel room, it could just as easily be Sebastian’s in the same way it could just as easily be any of the impersonal hotel rooms he’d been in in the last few weeks, all monotonously the same.

Chris let Sebastian guide him over to the bed, felt Sebastian hold him steady with both hands before bending to pull back the covers. Some giddy thrill ran through Chris at this, and for a moment he thought that one of his deepest, truest wishes was about to come true.

It was when he had fallen heavily onto the bed, his head swimming, that he was reminded just how tipsy and disoriented he was. He felt like he was floating, closing his eyes so the room didn’t spin, hiding from the dizziness, the sense of disconnect from the world around him. This feeling was so familiar, so close to the dissociation and distancing that would come over him when everything was too much, so close that he could feel a creeping anxiety starting to make his chest tight.

Only when he felt a hand on his cheek did he come back to reality. He opened his eyes again to see Sebastian looking down at him, smiling beatifically, the light behind him lighting him up like a sacred vision. Chris realized that this was real, that he was here with him. Chris finally gave voice to that thought that had been spinning around his head all the years that he’d known Sebastian.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Sebastian’s grin grew then, eyes brightening, and there was no blushing embarrassment. He seemed to thrive under this praise, to take it in gratefully. Chris reached out and grazed his knuckles along his jaw like he had done before, and smiled back at him.

Finally Sebastian pulled back, and right when Chris was going to protest, he moved down to sit at Chris’s feet, gracefully, naturally, with that yielding veneration.

It was different this time though. Chris watched as Sebastian quietly untied his shoes, pulling each one off and placing them next to the bed. This time it was him taking care of Chris. Amidst this sense of being so gently favored Chris felt all of those niggling insecurities there, needing reassurance.

“Seb, do you think I’m funny?”

Sebastian looked up quickly at him, astonished.

“Are you kidding? You’re one of the funniest people I know.”

“Not as funny as Mackie though.” It didn’t come out self pitying, more as a sad statement of facts. Sebastian’s expression softened back to that familiar unspoken understanding.

“I don’t think anyone is as funny as Mackie. That’s kind of his thing.”

Yeah, Chris realized, it was his thing. That’s what made Mackie who he was, and it had been foolhardy of Chris to think that it was something he could strive for.

“What’s my thing?” Sebastian laughed, leaning forward to rest across Chris’s legs.

“That.”

“What?”

“Asking what your thing is. That’s your thing.”

Chris furrowed his brow at this, until he realized what Sebastian was saying, and he laughed with him.

“Oh Jesus Christ.” Chris shook his head at himself. “You’re right. That is my thing.”

“It’s why I love you so much.” Sebastian said without any hesitation. “Well it’s one of the reasons I do, at least.”

He smiled that completely sincere smile at Chris then and Chris felt like angels were singing around him.

“Oh my god, Seb, I love you too!” He said with a puppyish excitement, so damned happy to be able to say this out loud, to tell him. Sebastian laughed again, loud and full of delight.

“That, that’s your thing. That’s what I love the most about you.” Sebastian reached out and held onto one of Chris’s hands. “It’s that you don’t know what your thing is, that you have a completely lack of awareness of just how fucking lovable and genuine and wonderful you are.”

“That’s what I love the most about you too!” Chris was so excited he could barely contain himself. “You have no idea just how amazing you are! Like, you’re fucking beautiful, and you just, you don’t even know!”

“I love how you’re saying this like you’re some ugly bridge troll.”

“What?”

“Chris, I’ve been telling you this over and over the whole damn time I’ve known you. You are so fucking hot.” Sebastian said it not as a come on, but as if it were a fact.

There was nothing Chris could say to this he was so awash with incredulousness. Then Sebastian was laughing again, that full on joyous laugh.

“Your expression right now is hilarious.”

Then he was laughing with Sebastian because everything felt surreal again, all of these things that Chris had kept hidden in him being so openly talked about. It had to be real though, the hand holding his was warm, the feeling of Sebastian laying across his legs was undeniable. He was so filled with this warmth, this comfort, this sense of love and safety that he felt dopey with it.

“Come on, let’s get you comfortable.” Sebastian patted his knee and stood up. “You gotta get outta these jeans.”

“Jesus, Sebastian, at least be a little more subtle about getting me outta my pants.” Chris wiggled his eyebrows at him and Sebastian chortled, actually chortled. When Chris saw him blushing he felt so damn proud of himself.

“Like I’d have to _try_ to make that happen.” Sebastian shot back, smirking under his blush.

All of the sudden there was a reality to this playful banter, a tension, an expectation was there. Now it was Chris that was blushing, nervous about undressing in front of him. Sebastian reached out then, touching Chris’s arm.

“Sleeping in your jeans is the fucking worse, I can tell you from personal experience. You’ll thank me for this.”

Together they managed to pull them off of Chris, even though they were both unsteady enough that doing so involved a ridiculous amount of difficulty. Once they were off, Chris sat up and pulled his t-shirt off, throwing it on the ground and rolling over to his side. When Sebastian pulled the blankets up over him Chris felt so completely loved.

“One day you’re going to tell me what all of those tattoos mean.” Sebastian said softly. Chris realized then that this moment was coming to a close, that Sebastian was going to leave, and he felt fear again.

“If you stay, I’ll tell you now.”

“Chris… ” Sebastian hesitated.

“Just,” he reached out and held onto Sebastian’s wrist. “Just stay until I fall asleep. It was easy when you were there.”

Chris didn’t have to explain what he meant because he knew Sebastian knew. They looked at each other, silently communicating what it was that each of them wanted, and Sebastian nodded, just a slight up and down of his head and Chris let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in.

“Let me just go get you some water.”

Chris closed his eyes then, content within the shelter of their connection. He felt a shadow over him as Sebastian handed him a bottle of water, and he silently opened it and drank from it. He knew Sebastian could feel the familiarity of this moment, from that first time they’d done this, their roles reversed.

Sebastian laid a warm hand on Chris’s bare chest as he sat down on the bed next to Chris’s hips.

“You don’t remember the first time we met.” Sebastian said.

“What? Of course I do.”

“No, that wasn’t the first time. It was at a party, I can’t remember who was throwing it. It was some industry event. You’d just done Fantastic Four, and everyone was around you, talking to you. You looked so... well, like I said, fucking hot.” Sebastian smirked. “You were so cocky, so... I think it was the Townie in you.”

“Oh god.” Chris cringed.

“No, no, it was charming actually. You were so, I don’t know, you were acting like such a bro.” Sebastian laughed gently. “Definitely not who you really are but it was your charm, your earnestness. My friend introduced me to you, but that was it. I was too, well, not intimidated, but I don’t know... I wasn’t the most self assured person then. Or now. Or ever.”

“Seb.” Chris laid a hand over the one Sebastian had over his heart. They fell into a knowing silence then, reassurance being exchanged in one another's eyes.

Sebastian took the water from Chris and placed it on the bedside table, then reached up to turn off the light.

“Go to sleep.” He said softly, and in the unseeing darkness, Chris felt something brush against his forehead, maybe Sebastian’s fingertips, maybe his lips, he would never know for sure. Chris moved his hand so his fingertips were pressed to Sebastian’s inner wrist where he could feel that steady thrumming pulse, letting it lure him to sleep.

Chris was just starting to doze off after only a couple of minutes when he felt the bed shift as Sebastian stood up.

“Good night, Buck.” He whispered.

“Night, Stevie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line “I’ve loved you my whole life.” during the helicarrier scene is from the amazing fic [20th Century Limited by Speranza](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4719176).
> 
> As always you can check out [the tag I made on my tumblr](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man), homicidalbrunette, for this story, as well as [all of my Stucky/Evanstan/MCU tags here.](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/157303943517/my-mcu-tags)


	5. Let's Have a Kiki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE OMG. It starts with, as they say in Rocky Horror, a bit of time slip, picking up after Civil War filming. Also it's based on the idea that LA is actually a centralized smaller city that doesn't have insane traffic, which, I know, is about as impossible to imagine as an alien invasion in NYC, but go with it.
> 
> [ The Trevor Project, mentioned in this fic is a real thing - it's a support line for LGBTQ+ youth.](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) From their site: 'Our trained counselors are here to support you 24/7. If you are a young person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call the Trevor Lifeline now at 866-488-7386.' [You can donate to it here.](https://give.thetrevorproject.org/checkout/donation?eid=63307) Do it. It saves lives.

Fall 2015 - April 2016

Chris had left the screening of the first edit of Civil War relieved. He’d hugged Anthony and Joe and said thank you again and again.

“We all took a risk together, and it paid off. This story, the arc, it’s…” Chris searched for the word, and came back to a familiar one. “It’s beautiful.”

He and Sebastian had spent a lot of time in preparation for the character arcs for both their characters, and how intertwined they were with each other’s. Chris had found a bunch of stuff from the comics about Steve and Bucky, what had happened to the Winter Soldier once Steve had found him again, the writer’s reference to them being each other’s soulmates, that they were the only person that understood this feeling of displacement and isolation of being spun out into a world that was so strange.

Sebastian had done a lot of research on POWs, about what that level of trauma does to the human psyche, about all of the things that vets struggled with. He and Chris talked about how Bucky would always be on guard, that he could be triggered by something as small as a quick touch, that he would be terrified to let any of his emotions show because they were so over all the place inside him. Together they decided how Steve would have to figure this out, navigate his way around Bucky, to try and not rush all his feelings at him even though Steve so desperately wanted Bucky in his life again, had missed him so terribly. There was a tension between them in the movie, this rigidity to Bucky, the unconscious need in Steve, how both were locked in this stand off, until finally on the jet when it was just the two of them they had the space and silence to see things clearly, to be open with one another.

They were both such iconic figures in one another’s lives, that expectation was like a palpable weight between them. Within this private space, they could try and make a bridge to one another. Steve, with all of his blinding need to have a sense of connection to the world again, he would have to finally sit and listen, to wait for Bucky to say what he needed to say, to verbalize all of the thoughts that had been swirling around his head those years he'd spent alone since the helicarrier. This time when he asked Bucky why he’d pulled him from the river, Bucky told him the truth. He done it because he loved Steve, that that was the one thing that they hadn’t been able to wipe from him, that love, that connection, that need to protect. Then Steve had been able to reach out, a touch obviously telegraphed so it wouldn’t spook Bucky, making sure it was allowed.

Sebastian had sat in front of him, their gazes locked with one another’s, unblinking. They acted on pure instinct then, not having discussed this moment, not having rehearsed it, just letting the two characters come out and do what they would do. Steve’s hand, with achingly slow patience, rested in the space between until it’d been Bucky who had leaned forward, tipped his head and his gaze down until his face was being gently cupped in Steve’s palm. His hand moved very gently until it laid on the crown of Bucky’s head, like a priest giving an absolution.

Seeing this complex emotional moment on screen, the tension between them finally dissolving as they both felt connected to the real world again, to each other, Chris felt his chest tighten with pride. This was so good, so honest, it had such depth. Sebastian had brought out something in him. These were such small moments, but that connection with Sebastian, that intimacy they had, it made Chris so at ease, that it was some of the best work he’d ever done.

He called Sebastian on the way back home and told him all about it, about how they hadn’t shied away from the emotional aspect, that there was such room for interpretation. It could be read as so many different kinds of intimacy, including a romantic or sexual one, but that it wasn’t an issue. He could hear the relief in Sebastian’s voice at this. It had been so important to him, because of the response from queer kids that he’d had to the gay characters he’d played in the past, because of his own life, that the idea of this being something beyond a brotherhood was okay, that it was okay for there to be this kind of intimacy between men. They’d done it, they’d been able to put this in, like they’d wanted to.

That first premiere in LA was the big jump into the huge insane circus that was going to be their lives for the next month. Chris was actually excited about it this time; having Downey and Scarlett and Mackie and Seb there meant Chris was going to have a lot of fun. Downey had been very respectfully, told him to take the lead, reminded him that it was a Captain America movie and that Chris was the lead in this. Even though this still scared him witless, knowing that he had all of this support made it bearable.

After they’d gotten inside and introduced the movie, they all did their own thing. It usually happened the same way, most of them didn’t stay to watch the actual movie for varying reasons, families to get home to, absolute dread about having to watch yourself on the big screen (that was definitely Chris’s reason.) He and Downey decided to go out and have dinner together, while Seb and Mackie stayed to watch the movie.

They were in the middle of dessert when Chris got a text from Mackie. He said that he was sending Seb to him, that he was upset and needed Chris. When he asked what had upset him, Mackie simply said _‘they edited it out’_ and Chris knew exactly what he meant.

“Fuck!” Chris said angrily.

“Woah, what?”

“They….Mackie said... Goddammit!”

“Hey Chris, hey look at me.” Downey grabbed the hand Chris had been flailing in anger and got him to focus. “What’s going on?”

“Mackie said they edited out… they edited it out. The scenes with, the ones between me and Bucky.” He didn’t have to explain anything after that.

He’d had told Downey about these scenes, had gone on and on blithely about just how wonderful they were. He had given him this look while he’d talked about it, one Chris didn’t understand at the time but that he did now. Downey knew this was going to happen, but couldn’t be the one to tell him. It was resigned sadness, mixed with empathy.

“Get this all out of your system, because Sebastian’s going to need you once he gets here.”

After he’d raged impotently for a solid 20 minutes, he’d collapsed back in his seat, drained. He scrubbed his hands over his face roughly, trying to wipe all of this away, trying to settle his expression before he saw Sebastian. He took a few deep, long breaths, and looked over at Downey who was smiling sadly at him, then Chris lifted his phone, texting Sebastian to ask where he was.

_‘Out back’_

“I’m just going, he’s here…”

“No, go on, I’m fine.” 

Chris came out the side entrance of the restaurant, walking around to the terrace, dark and hidden in the back. There was Sebastian’s shadowed figure, restlessly pacing back and forth, cigarette smoke flying back over his shoulders like frantic wings.

“Seb.” He said quietly, and Sebastian wheeled around, facing him. The light grazed the side of his face, still mostly in shadow, but Chris could make out the high spots of red on his cheeks, his chest rapidly rising and falling with anger.

“This is bullshit!” Sebastian snapped.

“It is.” Chris walked forward tentatively as Sebastian’s gaze fell, looking down where he was kicking at the loose gravel under his feet.

“God fucking forbid that a man show any fucking emotion! Especially towards another man! Because the worst fucking thing in the world, the absolute worst thing is that a man could be queer! Can’t let it look like two men love each other, not even a little bit, not even in a way that _looks natural and makes narrative sense_! Fuck!” Sebastian kicked a rock hard up against the wall of the restaurant.

Chris took another step towards him, keeping his hands in his pocket, his face gently neutral. He knew that Sebastian needed to get this out, knew that it was going to come out in these bursts of emotion, knew that this kind of dismissiveness and fear jarred inside of Sebastian especially hard, because to him, it wasn’t what the world should be. This kind of subterfuge was the antithesis of Sebastian’s very nature, of this wonderful boy and his open heart. It was almost torture to watch this, to see Sebastian’s innocence being shattered. Chris clenched his fists to the point of pain to keep himself from rallying around, storming to the after party and screaming into the faces of every studio exec there.

“We worked so hard! We were so true to them, to Bucky and to Steve. I owed this to Bucky! How could they show this character who had been tortured, violated, beaten, forced to do things beyond his consent, to have him be so… this wasn’t how he was supposed to be. There was a shadow over him, it was…” Sebastian took a long drag off his smoke and violently exhaled it. “And Steve, there he is, in front of him, finally, and they took out all of your reactions, all of the relief and the sadness and the love… it’s just…. It doesn’t even make sense now!”

Chris finally turned his head away at this, closing his eyes at this truth. The work he’d done with Sebastian, that he’d been so proud of, so excited about. It was all gone. He was back to being this two dimensional comic book character.

“I don’t know why…. Why is it so bad?” Chris finally looked back then at the sound of Sebastian’s voice starting to break. “Why is it wrong? Why can’t we just… This is because of me. This is because they saw me being queer and they got scared… And now all of these kids who have thanked me for being brave...and told me how I changed their lives…. Said that I helped save them….I just… How am I going to face them? This isn’t bad…. This isn’t wrong…”

Finally he looked up at Chris, his eyes full of tears, and it was too much. Chris reached out and wrapped his hand around the back of Sebastian’s head to tuck it against his jaw, pulling him into his side. Sebastian fidgeted, fighting it weakly and then let out a broken whimper as he wrapped his arm around Chris’s waist, ducking his head down into his collarbone. Chris pressed his mouth to Sebastian’s curls and let out a deep breath.

“Here give me that.” He said, reaching out and taking the cigarette from him. Sebastian pulled back to watch him pinch it between his forefinger, middle finger and thumb and pull a deep drag off it, exhaling it through his nose, and took another drag, feeling that heady rush calming him.

He looked over where Sebastian was still tucked close him, Chris’s hand wrapped around the back of his head, to see him staring wide eyed.

“What?”

“I just…I’ve never seen you smoke before.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian blinked up at him a couple of times, the now forgotten tears sliding down his cheeks as a little smile perked the corners of his mouth.

“What?”

“Is kinda hot, is all.” He said, his gaze falling as he pushed back into Chris’s side. Chris huffed out a laugh, shaking his head at him.

“Okay my lads.” It was Downey walking around the corner of the building. “I think we need an act of defiance.”

Downey opening a conversation like this meant that something big was about to happen.

“Sebastian. I am unfamiliar with the club scene in LA now with good reason. So, my good man, where is the closest, biggest, best gay bar?”

Chris and Sebastian were both wordless at this.

“Okay, let me put it this way.” Downey clapped his hands in front of him, rubbing the palms together. “I wanna have a kiki.”

Through the magic that was RDJ the next hour saw them rapidly moving through a series of places and events. With the help of the wizards who were his publicist, manager and assistants, they found a club on Sunset that was the longest standing gay club in West Hollywood. When Sebastian told him that there was no way they were going to go to a gay bar dressed like this, Downey had them in a Dolce and Gabbana store within 25 minutes, opened just for the three of them, a beautiful man in an even more beautiful suit pulling out a look for each of them. Chris put on the form fitting pants and the shirt that stretched across his pecs then came out to do a turn in front of them. Seb wolf whistled and Downey applauded.

“Jesus, Evans, look at your ass!” Downey said.

“Oh I’ve been looking,” Seb said, now full of grinning mischief.

“You really are shaped like a fucking Dorito.” Downey looked mildly astounded. “Well, we’re never doing press together ever again because I must look like a housefrau next to you.”

A half an hour later they were rollin’ on up to the club. Downey’s publicist had not only given the club the heads up that they were coming, but told a few selected members of the press that they were on their way as well, so that when they stepped out of the shiny town car, there were photographers there to capture them as they smiled and went inside, Chris’s arm slung around Sebastian’s shoulders, Downey blowing the camera kisses.

Once they’d stepped inside, it was like Chris had fallen down the rabbit hole into Wonderland. Even though he had hung out with Scott and his friends he’d never actually been to a gay bar before.

This wasn’t like the other clubs Chris had gone to. It had a lot of the same trappings, the darkness, the deafening bass, the coloured lights moving over the dancing bodies on the dance floor. This time, though, there were men standing on platforms, men with cut muscles, skin shiny and sparkling, in the smallest underwear Chris had ever seen, cut so that it was basically like they were naked. The music wasn’t the same either, it wasn’t the aggressive _thumpthumpthump_ four on the floor kind of DJing that was the same no matter where the club was. This was a pulsating deep bass that reverbed in his chest and down into his groin, throbbing. There were screens everywhere, flashing scenes from a movie from the 60’s that looked vaguely familiar, Patty Duke reaching for a glass bottle of red pills, interspersed with retro gay porn. When Chris looked around at the patrons he saw men leaning into each other, laughing, flirting, dancing, talking, moving languidly and beautifully together.

He stood stock still, his eyes taking all this in, finally coming back to himself when he felt a tug on his hand and looked over to see Sebastian smiling at him.

“Dude.” Chris breathed out, goggle eyed and Sebastian had thrown his head back laughing.

Sebastian pulled him by his hand over to a booth towards the back that had been roped off for them.  Downey was already busy talking to a waiter who was intimidatingly attractive, who smiled and winked at Chris when he caught him staring, walking off with a strut back to the bar. Chris was genuinely and honestly flummoxed at this, looking over to see Downey and Seb grinning with delight at him.

“I think Chris is going to learn something about himself tonight.” Downey said cheekily.

The waiter returned with three shots, two of some frothy pink thing for Chris and Sebastian, and one full of Downey’s ever present green juice for him. He raised it up for a toast, and they joined him.

“To rejecting toxic masculinity!” Downey said definitively and they downed the drinks in one swallow. “Okay don’t drink any more right now, I need you both sober enough to consent to something.”

“Oh god, that sounds ominous.” Chris said.

“Hey, look where I have taken us so far this evening.” Downey indicated the room around them. “A little trust, please.”

Chris sat silently then, looking agog at the scene in front of him. This was so different. These were men acting in ways that he never knew that men were allowed to act. There was no shame, no hiding, no diffused gestures or emotions. It wasn’t just the sensuality of the body language. There was a sense of freedom, of everyone in the room being confident and completely sure of themselves, in a way he didn’t think he’d ever really truly seen in a group of men before. There were no rules to conform to here, no fears. The affection was open, generous, tender. There was so much happiness and contentment in the interactions. Chris felt something inside him opening, something that had been long encased breaking free. He turned to face Sebastian, full of emotion with no words to explain, and Sebastian smiled so lovingly at him, reaching out to stroke his cheek, giving him that small little nod of understanding that was uniquely theirs.

Downey was talking to someone else now, another incredibly handsome, impeccably dressed man, smiling and nodded at each other. He introduced the man to them as the owner of the bar, and said they had arranged a little something.

“First, Sebastian.” Downey reached out and grabbed onto Sebastian’s shoulder. “Call that beautiful girl who puts up with your shit and ask her if it’s okay if you kiss a boy tonight. Tell her it’s for a good cause.”

“Uh yeah, it’s, uh, we already have… it’s okay… I mean she knows…” Sebastian smiled self consciously, his gaze dancing over to Chris and then quickly away.

“Nice. Very modern.” Downey said then turned to Chris. “How about you? You need to call anyone in Beantown and let them know you’re about to do something quee'ah?”

Chris felt his hackles raise for just a moment at having his Townie roots being poked at, but he realized that he’d given cause for Downey to ask this. He felt all of those years of restraint and fear, of false posturing crowding around him and shook it off.

“Nope. Come on, let’s do it.”

They followed Downey until they were up on stage.  The music was dimmed and a light fell on them. When every head in the club turned and saw them there, there was a beat of surprise then a wave of hollers and whistles. The owner introduced them and then handed the mic to Downey.

“Gentlemen, and ladies.” Downey said, bowing to the drag queens. “We humble Avengers come to your place of play tonight to do a few things.”

“Or a few guys!” Someone in the crowd shouted out to much whistling.

“Well yes, that’s a possibility also.” Downey grinned like a wolf at Chris then, making him blush hard and shake his head at the audacity.

“We have these two very attractive men here tonight. You might know this one as Bucky Barnes, aka the Winter Soldier aka Sebastian ‘So Pretty It Hurts’ Stan.”

There was a palpable rush of lustful hunger in the shouts then, lots of agreements to Downey’s assessment, and Sebastian ducked his head at this with his crushingly adorable bashfulness. This visceral display of just how desired Sebastian was, it hit Chris right in the solar plexus.

“And this blushing damsel is, of course, Captain fucking America.” Then all of the shouts and whistles were coming at him, and Chris felt like he was being devoured by all these eyes, in a way that felt more like a thrill than dread. When he turned his flushed face away he saw Sebastian giggling at him, cheeks shining.

“We’re celebrating the release of the abysmally no homo Captain America movie tonight by having a little auction.” Downey said, so completely in his element as the master of ceremonies. “You can choose either Captain America or his ‘buddy’” Downey put up exaggerated air quotes, rolling his eyes, and the crowd laughed. “Highest bidder gets to mack on one of them.”

Now the roar was almost deafening. Chris shook his head, he’d walked knowingly into this, and yet here it was about to happen.

“All the money is going to the Trevor Project, which helps LGBTQ kids everyday, saving lives, so the more you bid, the better.” Downey pulled Sebastian front and center. “Bids for this twink start at a thousand dollars.”

The bidding was frenzied, quickly getting up to 20,000. Downey didn’t need to give them any encouragement, Seb turned his bashfulness into that swagger of his, flashing his abs, cocking his chin, shaking his head incredulously when the bidding would slow down and turning around to make sure they all saw his ass. Chris laughed with total joy during all this, watching Sebastian, seeing the reactions.

Finally there was a voice in the back that loudly and firmly said “50,000 dollars.”

Everyone wowed at this as Downey yelled out “SOLD!”

A broad, attractive man in his late 30’s, early 40's walked up to the stage, and Chris felt a niggle of recognition. When he stood in front of Sebastian, he’d reached out his hand.

“Sebastian. We’ve met before.” He said and Chris realized just who he was. This was one of the studio execs who’d been there at the premiere tonight. The irony of this moment wasn’t lost on any of them as the other man arched a brow at him and Sebastian. “Let’s do this for Disney, shall we?”

Sebastian laughed as the other man pulled him flush against his body, cupping Sebastian’s chin and pressing his mouth to his. The kiss wasn’t carnal, but it was heated, it slowly built, and Sebastian’s hands end up grasping onto him tightly.

Seeing this caused a whole series of reactions inside Chris, scalding desire that made him weak, want that made his hands ache to touch so badly he had to cross his arms tight, and a steady and very certain sense of growling possessiveness. As much as he wanted to touch he also wanted to shove this man away from Sebastian, to pull Sebastian to him and not let anyone else dare to touch him.

This startled Chris the most, so fierce and strong that he couldn’t process it, had to let it go without trying to figure out where the hell it had come from.

Once it was Chris’s turn to be bid on, Downey really cranked it up.

“Come on, it’s Captain America, paragon of masculinity, symbol of all that is heteronormative!” Downey said. “And look at this insane shoulder to hip ratio. This is your opportunity to kiss a life sized Dorito!”

A bidding war began, two men upping the other until they reached 30,000 dollars. There was a lull then and one of the men, who looked a little too much like Hemsworth for Chris to handle, finally ceded.

A fresh cheeked young guy came up on stage then, whippet thin in a clinging shirt that dipped low enough to show off the Alliance insignia from Star Wars tattooed on his chest.

“I just blew most of my savings, but I have to.” He said, blushing hard. “I owe it to my 14 year old self, reading comics and dreaming about making out with Steve Rogers.”

Chris felt his heart swell with affection and pulled this timid boy to him, kissing him flush and full, feeling his warm cheeks under his palms, the slight shiver running through the lean body, and then pulled back to see a look of astonished bliss on his face.

“Totally worth it.” The boy said, starry eyed.

“Alright, before we give the floor back to our amazing DJ, one last offer.” Downey pulled Chris and Sebastian towards each other now. “I will personally donate 100,000 dollars to the Trevor Project if Steve and Bucky kiss for us all tonight.”

Sebastian reeled back laughing, shaking his head at Downey, who was grinning like the little shit he was. Chris buried his face in his hands, feeling it go burning red. Of course Downey would do this. Of course.

Chris’s heart was thundering now, desire and a spike of fear rushing through him. God, could they, were they going to, how would they even-

Suddenly a hand grasped the front of his tight top and there was Sebastian, all hooded eyes and kiss-swollen lips. His other hand wrapped behind Chris's neck, and he moved close enough to hold his mouth just inches from Chris’s, and waited.

Chris couldn’t hear anything then, not Downey, not the crowd, only his own pulse roaring in his ears. His eyes met Sebastian’s and he saw pure naked desire there. Sebastian wanted this, but he was waiting for Chris, like he always did, waiting for Chris to take the lead.

All of the nerves, all of the deafening fear drained out of Chris in that moment. That focus came in, and it was just him and Sebastian, and what they both wanted. Chris reached up with both hands to cradle Sebastian’s beautiful face, gently stroking his thumbs over those sharp cheekbones, and for a moment they smiled peacefully, knowingly at each other. Then he pulled Sebastian to him, his lips open just enough to slot Sebastian’s bottom lip between them.

It was too much, the feeling, the need, the sensation. It was all there, so close, so soft, so fucking perfect, that Chris gasped at it, quickly pulling the breath from Sebastian and into him. He pulled away slowly from the relatively chaste kiss and he knew Sebastian could feel the trembling where Chris's fingers were pressed against his skin.

It all rushed back then, the noise, the lights, the people, the attention and he shyly backed away from Sebastian. Downey thanked everyone and the music started up again, and then they were all walking off stage, back into the crowd.

A group of guys were waiting at the side, asking Sebastian to come dance with them and he excitedly agreed. Chris watched him walk away, Sebastian throwing a quick coquettish look over his shoulder at him as he did. Chris was almost back to his seat when he saw an older man a few booths over motion to him. He looked at Downey to see that he had found someone he knew, which, as Chris had learned, always happened because Downey knew everyone, and was already engaged in a deep conversation with him. Chris went over to the other booth and was invited to sit for a drink.

The man who had invited him over was an excessively charming gentleman named Spencer. He was a lawyer out of Santa Monica, and he’d been coming to gay bars club for almost 30 years now, back when they were, as he described, just an unmarked door with a special knock to get in. He told Chris about what a revelation it was when he’d entered one for the first time, about how he never thought he’d meet anyone who was like him, let alone a whole roomful of them. He said he got to know them all, raising his eyebrows implying just how well he got to know them, getting Chris to laugh and nod in understanding.

“I grew up in Eastern Texas. These kind of men, this way of being a man, I didn’t know it existed.” He said. “When I came here, when I met all these different kinds of men, not just gay men, but men who were confident in who they were and how they lived, I realized that it was up to each of us to define what being a man was.”

 _Yes, yes!_ Chris’s brain screamed. This was it, this was what he’d been trying to puzzle out. That wasn’t something that a studio head or the public got to decide, it was up to him to be who he really was, and for him to be proud of it, not ashamed.

He looked out at the dance floor then, finding Sebastian amoungst a group of guys all very similar to him, young, slim, outrageously attractive, all bouncing and posing and dropping down low in front of each other, dancing with sheer ridiculous delight. Sebastian looked so happy, so different from how angry and dejected he’d been earlier, and Chris was eternally grateful for Downey in that moment. As if sensing that Chris was looking at him, Sebastian’s eyes flickered over to where he was talking to Spencer, a coy smile on his face until the other guys squealed at him, reaching out to tease him.

“I’m surprised, I thought that guys would be, like, totally hitting on Sebastian, but no one seems to be.” Chris said to Spencer, and the older man smiled knowingly back at him.

“Of course they wouldn’t. He’s yours.”

“Oh no… We’re not… ” Chris sputtered, and Spencer gently laughed. He reached out and patted Chris’s arm.

“Are you familiar with the term top?” Chris felt a feeling start to burn in his chest. Spencer took in the flush that had fallen over his face. “My goodness, you’re just as sweet as him, aren’t you?”

Chris ducked his eyes away then, away from that all knowing look. He made eye contact with Sebastian again, and he smiled excitedly at Chris.

It was London in 2010 all over again, Sebastian dancing over to him, all of his over the top moves and come hither gestures. Again Chris shook his head, refusing, but Sebastian wasn’t having it. Once he was in front of him, Sebastian nodded.

“Yes, Chris.”

“No, Seb, I don’t…”

Suddenly George Michael thundered through the club and there was a flash in his mind of 10 year old Chris, dancing to _Freedom ‘90_ in his bedroom. He remembered the shy kid who’d spent 30,000 dollars tonight to fulfill the wish of his younger self and felt a deep compelling need to move.

“Yeah.” Chris said, smiling back at Sebastian.

“Yeah?!” Sebastian bounced, full of excitement, reaching out and grabbing Chris’s hand.

Chris turned to apologize to Spencer but the older man was smiling that knowing smile at him again.

“Go, Chris. Go dance with your boy.”

It was one of the most fun nights of Chris’s entire life. He danced with all different kinds of men, pretty sweet faced ones like Seb who demurred under his eyes, guys with as much muscle mass as he had, men wearing subversions of male hetero symbols, mesh football jerseys in neon colours, leather harnesses with o rings and chains, and beautiful, lush drag queens who smelled like all of the fanciest ladies Chris had met in his life, like hairspray and makeup and perfume.

After them all, he’d turned back to Sebastian, who had been in his orbit the whole night, spinning with unfettered happiness, tossing back frothy sweet shots with him, and giggling at all of the comments Chris was shouting to him over the music.

“I never knew that so much of the music I loved when I was growing up was so gay!”

“Everyone here is such a fucking good dancer!”

“There are so many hot dudes here, holy shit!”

“Do you know what a top is?”

“Can we come back here again?”

At that Sebastian had let out a bright peel of laughter and reached out, wrapping his arms around Chris’s neck, their bodies flush against each other’s.

“I love you so much.” He said, his mouth close to his ear, and Chris squeezed him tightly to himself, turning his face to press it into Sebastian’s neck, breathing in that smell that was distinctly his. He pressed a kiss there, furtively, and felt a shudder go through Sebastian’s body where it was so securely held to him. He was overwhelmed in that moment and felt words from deep within slip out of his mouth with complete ease.

“I love you too, baby.” He said softly into Sebastian’s ear, for only him to hear.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made the most amazing gay bar playlist while thinking up this chapter. I gathered these songs based on my own 20 yrs of experience going to gay clubs, and with help from all my queer boy and girl friends, so yeah it's fucking outstanding. I put it on when I'm getting ready to go out, or when my friends are over and we want to have a dance party. It's called **[Three Avengers Walk Into a Gay Bar](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOdQC0BUe9aBjrbSWiBw2sBo)** and I will fight anyone who says Bucky isn't technically an Avenger. 
> 
>  [I also updated the I'm Your Man playlist with two more songs mentioned in this fic.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_) And check out [my tag on my tumblr homicidalbrunette](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) for things referenced in this fic, and my [Evanstan tag](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/evanstan) for even more open references. I've tried to pull as much as I can from facts and interviews I've learned through the MCU fandom, so my [Stucky tag](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/stucky) is also full of useful references.
> 
>  
> 
> [Also Chris Evans parks the car in the Harvard yard.](https://youtu.be/karjIWYKhfI?t=1m)


	6. Top

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things take a decidedly fanfic-y turn from this chapter on, kids, which means, you know, naughty things get naughtier.

April 2016

 

It’s not that things changed after that night at the club. It was that Chris’s awareness of things changed.

Now that he knew what Sebastian’s lips felt like pressed to his, he was consumed by it. It would have been one thing if Chris had some time to himself to mull things over, but they were at the start of a very long, grueling, global press tour where he was going to be with Sebastian everyday. This meant that every time he looked over, there was Sebastian with those plush lips and his knowing eyes causing a flood of desire and want and need to course through Chris’s whole body, shorting out his brain, reducing everything in his world to the memory of the heat of his body pressed to him, Sebastian’s neck against Chris’s mouth, of just the hint of the saltiness of his sweat that had clung to Chris’s lips afterwards.

One of the first things Chris had done after that night was to Google ‘gay top.’ He knew that he could have asked Scott about it, but he wasn’t prepared for all the questions this would have caused from his brother, questions he definitely didn’t have answers to.

All that his looking online had revealed was porn, aggressive and cliche, as porn tends to be and the very basic idea that the top is the one who penetrates, not the one who gets penetrated. This made a flash of a fantasy come boiling to the surface, this image he’d only let himself think of once, about what it would be like, Sebastian’s body bent in front of him, smooth, strong back under his hands while Chris pushed his shoulders down and…. He slammed his laptop shut. That was as much as he could handle that day.

The next day, after a few beers, curiosity got the better of him. If it wasn’t sexual, then what about his relationship with Sebastian made Chris the top? Chris Googled ‘what do gay tops do’ and got a clearer answer. It was about a power dynamic, about one being more dominant and the other being submissive.

This still didn’t feel right to Chris. These were BDSM terms, seeped in overt displays of control, usually in a physical way. He could never be like that with anyone, especially not Sebastian. The idea of purposely causing Sebastian pain made Chris feel sick. What about his behaviour towards Sebastian made it look like this was something Chris want to do? He was fidgety with anxiety all that night, thinking about the unavoidable physicality between them when they were training together and about that visceral response he’d felt deep within himself when he’d overpowered him, about how Sebastian’s body so close to him had overcome his own rational thoughts and he had gotten rough with him, accidentally hurting Sebastian. That rush had been carnal, not because of his own actions but how Sebastian had reacted, the look of compliant mixed with yearning. Everything tangled up inside him, what was right, what was wanted, what was appropriate. He knew how that deference Sebastian had towards him had honed his thoughts, calmed him, and he knew that Sebastian responded to it gratefully, but this, this had a level of intimacy, of levity that was beyond what they had done before.

Eventually he did what he always did whenever he was unsure, when something seemed bigger than his own experiences. He asked Downey about it.

“Um, I know like in terms of sexual positions, but like, in a broader sense, do you… do you know what a top is?” He asked when they were sharing a car to an event together, just the two of them.

Robert cocked his head to the side and smiled kindly at him. There was no shock, no teasing, no questions as to why Chris was asking this, and that’s exactly why Chris came to him. Robert never judged, always respected moments of vulnerability, and didn’t prod.

“The best way to explain what a top is to tell you what a bottom is.” Robert said in a matter of fact way. “The bottom is happy to let the top guide them, take care of them, but not in a way where they’re completely reliant on the top. They don’t need to be told what to do, rather having someone they trust, who they know has their best interests in mind, they respond to that because they like having that pressure taken off of them to do it themselves all the time. Plus they like the top having pride in them, knowing that they’re someone that special. It’s a relationship built on a lot of trust so usually there’s a lot of love there too.”

Robert reached out and patted Chris’s shoulder then with a look of gentle understanding. Chris felt his face burn hot when he realized that Robert knew exactly why he was asking. He didn’t say anything though, and Chris felt immensely grateful to him.

“What… What kind of things does the top… is the top allowed to do?”

“When the bottom seems lost, the top guides. The top makes sure that he’s taken care of. And, the top can spoil him.”

“Like buy him stuff?”

“Yeah, nice stuff. Things that are as special as the top sees him, things he believes that he deserves.” Robert raised his eyebrows encouragingly.

Robert didn’t elaborate on this, but Chris felt like he had been told enough already. He took a big breath in, letting it out slowly as relief poured out of him. What he was doing was okay. This was allowed. Sebastian had responded to it gratefully, eagerly. More than just this, though, he had been given permission to do even more.

They were all gathered behind a stage, waiting for a press conference to start. Chris watched Sebastian blinking sleepily in the corner, eventually weaving his way through everyone to come stand in front of Chris. He leaned forward to rest his forehead against Chris’s collarbone, under his chin. Chris smiled indulgently, and reached up to cup the back of his neck.

“Tired.” Sebastian said, voice muffled in Chris’s sweater.

“Well that’s what happens when you’re out too late with Mackie drinking and doing karaoke.” Chris chided gently.

“He made me.” Sebastian mumbled.

“Um, excuse me?” Mackie said. “You’re the one who wanted to sing every Bon Jovi song they had.”

“We all make our own choices, Sebastian.” Robert said. “Actions have consequences.”

“Stop picking on me.” Sebastian whined, making himself sound extra pathetic. “Chris, make them stop picking on me.”

His arms came up then and wrapped loosely around Chris’s waist, and Chris felt everything in him settle.

“You guys, stop picking on him.” Chris said it with only a hint of a joke in his voice, looking around to make sure that everyone knew that he meant it.

He was met with smirking, knowing faces, and shook his head at them, turning to rest his cheek on top of Sebastian’s head.

“I just want everyone to know I facilitated this.” Robert said, grinning proudly.

Chris noticed how often Sebastian was drawn to him. Somewhere along the way they’d developed the habit of Sebastian always sitting next to him. They both fell into this without realizing it, Chris always leaving a spot next to him that he would migrate to. Once Chris realized they were doing this, he also noticed that everyone else was naturally respecting it, never sitting next to Chris, even getting out of a booth so Sebastian could move in next to him.

Even while surrounded by other people, Sebastian was always there, close to him. Chris’s arm would end up around the back of Sebastian’s chair while Chris stretched out his legs and leaned back. Even when they weren’t initially talking to each other, eventually Sebastian would end up leaning back as well, turning towards Chris, heads turned to one another, mouths close to the other’s ear. Just like on set, they were in their own little bubble, all others falling away. They would share jokes, both laughing loudly, their hands coming out to grab at the other’s. Then they would say things softly, Sebastian’s voice low in his ear as he said words for only Chris to hear. Within these moments, they were able to gently and affectionately touch, sometimes Sebastian’s fingers drumming on Chris’s thigh, reaching up fix his hair. Chris would softly tap Sebastian’s chest, pick a fluff off his sweater, an eyelash off his cheek.

One night after dinner, Sebastian had pulled Chris’s free hand to his, pressing their palms together, silently contemplating. He turned Chris’s arm to examine the big watch that Chris always wore.

“This is beautiful. I’ve always liked it.” Sebastian said, running a finger over the face.

“I remember my dad and my uncles wearing these fancy watches when I was little, and I always associated it with being an adult, with these men who I admired.”

“Yeah, I think that too when I see men wearing these kind of watches.” Chris gently reached out to pull Sebastian’s left arm, looking at the black watch Sebastian wore.

“I like this one, but you should have something fancier for important things.”

“I don’t…. I can’t spend that much money, not on myself.” Sebastian shook his head.

There had been a theme through the whole time Chris had known Sebastian, something that became more obvious the more money that Sebastian had. He would gush about some beautiful item, either something someone else was wearing or something he’d seen at the store, saying how much he loved it. When Chris would ask why he didn’t buy one for himself, Sebastian would vehemently refuse. As time had past, Chris started to try and convince Sebastian to get these things, telling him he’d earned it, that he could treat himself to these indulgences now. Now, when Sebastian steadfastly refused, he became determined.

After watching Sebastian with his nose pressed to the glass of the display window of the Dior store in their hotel, he told Sebastian to go inside and buy the coat that he was coveting. Sebastian wasn’t able to get out a single word of refusal before he told him, with that direct voice, to go and do it. Sebastian had bashfully grinned and then, without saying anything, gone inside. When Chris saw him that night for dinner, he was wearing the coat, standing tall and gorgeous in it. Chris had gone up to him, reaching out to pull up the collar and stroke his hands down the lapels, telling Sebastian that he looked amazing.

There had been many times throughout the years that Chris wanted to just buy things for Sebastian, where he would be out and see something and think how perfect it was for him and ache with the need to give it to him. He’d fought that impulse for a long time, only weakening enough for him to get Sebastian small things, usually jewelry because he knew how much he loved rings and pendants.

Now he thought about what Robert had said, about as a top he could spoil him, and finally was able to give himself permission to do what he had always wanted.

Chris knocked on the door of Sebastian’s hotel room before they left for the premiere that evening. Sebastian let him in, flustered, apologizing for being late. He was running from the bedroom to the bathroom, trying to find his pocket square.

“Sebastian, come here.” Chris said with soft assertion.

Sebastian’s gaze went to him immediately in response and he stood frozen for a moment. Something went over across his face, contentment, focus, as he moved to stand in front of Chris.

“Hold out your hand.”

Sebastian did, realizing that he had the pocket square balled up in his fist. Chris huffed out an affectionate laugh, reaching out to pull it away, and then lifting the velvet box he had in his hand.

“Oh god, is this my own Pretty Woman moment? Is there a big diamond necklace in there?” Sebastian laughed, with just a hint of nervous excitement.

“Well, you better open it and find out.”

Sebastian gingerly lifted the top to reveal the beautiful silver watch inside.

“Oh my god.” He said on a sharp inhale.

Chris turned it so he could pull the watch out, setting the box on the table next to him.

“I knew you would never buy yourself one, so I did.” Chris moved to put it around Sebastian’s outstretched hand when he snatched his hand back.

“Wait, this is for me?” He said incredulously. “No, Chris, I can’t…. ”

Chris's face was full of adoration as he pulled Sebastian’s hand up again then slipped the watch onto his wrist, latching it shut. He held Sebastian’s hand in his, reaching out his other to put two fingers under his chin, to make sure his eyes were on him.

“I want to do this for you, and you are going to let me. No arguments.”

And then there it was, written across Sebastian’s face, that beautiful surrender. Everything felt so right in that moment.

He took the pocket square then and folded it, pushing it into Sebastian’s breast pocket and fussing with it until it was perfect.

“Alright, let’s go.” He took Sebastian’s hand again, leading him, holding it until they reached the lobby.

They were on the plane on their way to do the Asian press, him and Sebastian and Mackie. It was a ridiculously opulent private plane but Chris was grateful for all the amenities during such a long flight. He was laying in one of the big soft reclining seats in the back to trying to get some sleep when he kept hearing Sebastian’s laugh filtering back towards him. Initially it had lulled him, this sound that he loved so much. Just as he was about to drop off though he realized that this meant that Sebastian was still awake and going full force.

He sat up then, leaning over to look up front and seeing Sebastian with Mackie and a couple of the other Marvel people all playing cards together. Sebastian was full of movement and energy, but Chris could see the exhaustion around the edges of this franticness. They had all been out late the night before and Chris knew that Sebastian needed to rest just as much as he did.

Chris dug his phone out of his pocket, turning it off airplane mode then texting _‘come here’_ to Sebastian. He watched Sebastian hear the notification, look down at his phone and then back to where Chris was looking at him expectantly.

Sebastian pursed his lips, scrubbing his hand over the back of his head, shifting a little in his seat. He stood up finally, motioning to the back, shaking his head when they all voiced their disappointment at him leaving. Mackie watched him walk away, leaning back to see Chris looking, and smirked at him. Chris raised his eyebrows at him, and Mackie laughed as he turned back to his cards.

“You know, you’re not supposed to text when you’re flying.”

“You’re not supposed to have your phone on at all but I had a feeling that you had forgotten to turn yours off.”

“Well?” Sebastian said, hands gesturing to him impatiently.

“Well what?”

“What do you want?” There was a hint of irritation in Sebastian’s voice, making Chris pause for a moment, looking at him long enough that Sebastian started to fidget.

Chris reached over and patted the seat next to him. “Sit down.”

Sebastian flopped down into the chair with a huff of defiance.

“You need to get some sleep, Sebastian.”

“You just sounded exactly like my mom.” He said, rolling his eyes.

Chris sat up at this, reaching out to lean on the hand he placed above where Sebastian had slumped his head, turning and leaning forward, positioning himself so he was bodily above him. Chris waited until Sebastian finally looked up, letting him see the resolute look on his face, one that brokered no argument.

“Sebastian.” It was the most commanding tone that he’d ever used with him, but Sebastian needed to know that this kind of petulance wasn’t allowed.

Sebastian’s gaze flickered down and away, and he took in a quick, deep inhale. Chris held himself there above him, an unmovable, silent figure.

There was a beat, then another, but Chris did not yield. He watched as the resistance drained out of Sebastian, the exhaustion making his body droop. Without looking up, Sebastian turned his body into Chris’s, curling his legs up, pulling his arms to his chest, then tucked his face into Chris’s shoulder, head down. Seeing Sebastian’s physically demurring to him like that made that unthinking urge surface completely inside Chris. His chest expanded as he pulled in a deep lungful of Sebastian’s scent and everything else faded, a rapidly growing heat inside him rushing to his cock, his arousal twitching. Chris closed his eyes, overwhelmed, unable to move as his fingers gripped the leather of the seat back so hard his knuckles went white from the strain.

Sebastian made a noise then, a whisper of a word that sounded almost like a whimper, moving in even closer to him. Chris wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders then, and there was that instinct to protect, to comfort that had been there all along as he pulled Sebastian to him, bowing his own head to press his mouth to the mess of thick curls. Chris now truly had Sebastian’s beautiful utter acquiescence. He synced his breaths with Sebastian’s, and felt all of the anxious thoughts that usually plagued him when he tried to fall asleep instantly quiet. They were both sleeping within minutes.

It was more than just this though. They were so finely tuned to one another, each picking up on one another’s smallest movements or moods. Chris’s need to hold back when they were doing press together, when they were being watched, started to slip, and without meaning to, he would gently keep Sebastian on track. Chris had never felt this sense of calm, this assurance while doing this amount of press. He didn’t falter, didn’t ramble, didn’t second guess. He allowed himself to move into Sebastian’s space, naturally told Sebastian what he needed to do. He could see Sebastian’s shoulders unknot themselves as relief ran through him. Chris realized that he was making him feel safe, that it was like what Robert had told him, that Sebastian felt lighter ceding control to Chris.

Chris would have these moments where everything was completely clear, where he was so present, taking in everything around him with a level of consciousness that usually made him feel like things were too sharp and pull back. Now, however, he would look over to see Sebastian next to him, close to him, watch Sebastian’s easy movements, the flicker of something deep and loving in his eyes as he looked up at Chris and he would bask in this clarity.

These moments were so easy. It was nothing for him to gesture to Sebastian’s plate when he’d gotten distracted and stopped eating, for him to pull away from all the people talking around them to say something just to Sebastian, some private words said when his lips just barely brushed against Sebastian’s throat, to watched Sebastian light up when something he said made Chris laugh.

Chris tried to not question his own luck, to have had this gift given to him. Somewhere, somehow, this had happened. Here was this amazing creature, looking at him with so much trust and love, feeling safe under his guidance.

Now it wasn’t just that feeling of purpose, that comfort he got from guiding him. There was that bright burning flame that would sear through him when he saw Sebastian yield to him, and it was becoming more and more present. Sometimes Chris couldn’t stop himself from tracing his eyes down Sebastian’s body, from reaching out to touch. At night in bed Chris couldn’t stop himself from thinking about Sebastian’s down turned eyes, cheeks flush, his body turning towards Chris. These visuals would play through his mind, over and over, each one from that day, and the day before, and the day before. Instead of trying to deny them now he reveled in them, letting that rush come over him until the only thing that would make it settle was for him to quickly stroke himself, his cock so fucking hard, barely a half a dozen times before he was coming, not even able to form Sebastian’s name then, having that sense of him so deep within that his sharp exhales and the shivers racing through him all belonging to this beautiful boy.

When they were on the plane back to the States Sebastian had wordlessly, with real sadness in his eyes, came to him and tucked himself into Chris’s body, reaching out to hook his finger in Chris belt loop like he had done years ago on that night on the dance floor in London. Suddenly, the truth that Chris had been blithely and unknowingly pushing away slammed into him. This was it. Their time together was about to end.

Chris felt pain in him like he’d never had before. He wrapped his arms around Sebastian tightly, as if he could hold him there forever and never have to let go.

“Will you….” Sebastian whispered into Chris’s throat.

Chris pulled back his head so he could glimpse a little of Sebastian’s face. His eyes were tightly closed, his fingers pressed to his lips like he was trying to hold in his words.

“What, baby?”

“Will you…. When do you have to be back?” He whispered.

“Day after tomorrow, I have a meeting in LA.” It felt cruel, somehow, to say these words to him. Chris felt the sudden inexplicable need to apologize.

“Will you… Can you come back with me for just…”

“Yes.” Chris said before Sebastian could finish.

They spent the rest of the long flight clinging to one another. When Mackie got off in LA, he didn’t even ask Chris if he was coming. When he said goodbye to them, he shook his head with a sad smile, and Chris realized that he knew a lot more than he had let on.

When they got to New York they had gained a half a day, throwing their internal clocks off. It was morning when they arrived, but they were both drowsy. Sebastian was unsteady on his feet as they collected their bags, looking half asleep and more than a little loss. This sharpened Chris’s awareness enough to take over. He reached out and took Sebastian’s elbow in his hand, gently leading him to the exit and getting him into a cab. As soon as Sebastian was sitting, his head rolled over to Chris’s shoulder, his eyes closing.

“Sebastian, you have to tell him where you live. I’ve never been there before, remember?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.” Sebastian perked up enough to tell the driver.

“And then to the Bowery Hotel afterwards.” Chris said, to which Sebastian immediately reached out and grabbed Chris’s hand, shaking his head.

“No, no, you’re…. You have to stay with me.” How could Chris ever deny him this?

“Okay, it’s okay, I’ll stay, I’ll stay.”

He had to wake Sebastian up when they’d arrived, pulling their bags up to the front door as Sebastian blearily followed him, handing him the keys. Once they were inside, Sebastian started to pull off his shoes, jackets and sweater as he walked through the apartment to the back, opening the door into what Chris could see as the bedroom without turning on the light. He heard Sebastian flop down on the bed and Chris chuckled to himself. Apparently Sebastian would be taking a nap.

Feeling a little shy but curious, Chris looked around. Sebastian’s place was exactly like Chris knew it would be; cozy, full of personal items, books, records, dark colours and low couches. Chris felt instantly comfortable, safe enough to lay down on one of the soft couches and fall into a dreamless sleep.

He woke up to the sound of a phone pinging over and over, and was momentarily discombobulated in the unfamiliar surroundings. It was only when Sebastian tripped out of the bedroom that he realized where he was.

“This fucking phone….” Sebastian growled, rubbing at his eye while he dug one handed into his bag. He pulled out the phone and scowled at it. “Aw fuck.”

“Aren’t you a delight when you first wake up.” Chris laughed, startling Sebastian with his presence. When he looked up to see him there, Sebastian’s face lit up.

“Hey!”

“Did you forget I was here?” Chris said, a little anxiousness working its way up through him. “Is it okay….”

Sebastian crawled over to his side, shaking his head.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” He smiled that bright full grin and suddenly everything was right again. Chris reached out to cup his face, smiling back at him.

“I’m happy I’m here too.”

They sat there, silently lazing in this moment until they were interrupted by Sebastian’s phone buzzing.

“Fucking thing….” Sebastian scowled, looking down at it. “Just… I have to….”

“Go on, I’m not going anywhere.” Sebastian smiled with relief at him then stood up.

Chris sat up and rested his elbows on his knees, scrubbing his hands over his face, trying to shake off his jet lag, to push down the niggling truth that this was just prolonging the inevitable. Sebastian walked back into the bedroom as he talked on his phone, flicking the light on and started to pull off his shirt without closing the door.

Chris quickly looked away, his cheeks burning at seeing this. He’d seen Sebastian in various states of undress through all the years they’d known each other, but seeing him taking his clothes off there, in his bedroom, with all of this charged energy around them, suddenly it was so intimate, so close to all those desires inside Chris that he had to try and pull back now that they were going to separate.

When Sebastian came back in the room he had changed into a pair of loose pants and a very threadbare t shirt that Chris knew he’d had since he first met him. He looked so soft in that moment, in his beautiful comfy apartment wearing these familiar clothes that were so purely his. Everything felt so right, like this was exactly where they both belonged.

“So I have this thing that I forgot about it. It’s my friend’s place, his store, it’s opening tonight and I have to be there. If you come with me, you can go all incognito, just hang back. I promise you don’t have to be part of the whole ‘look who came to my party’ photos that happen at these things.”

“Seb, it’s okay. I’ll go.”

“Okay, okay, cool.” Sebastian smiled, nodding. “We’ll just stay for like an hour, and then we can go to that Korean place that has the barbeque you love.”

Chris had been able to duck in, hat pulled down, lingering along the back with a beer in his hand. His jet lag was lifting, now that what had been nighttime to him was over he could feel himself start to actually be awake. He leaned back on his elbow on a high table, watching as Sebastian walked through the crowd.

Chris had seen it before, dozens of times, but it never ceased to amaze him the way people responded to Sebastian. People were drawn to him, initially because of just how beautiful he was. Every eye that he would pass would catch on him. It was impossible to have such a bewitching creature walk past you without noticing, but Chris knew that it quickly became more than that. If people were able to get over their gaping, which admittedly Chris himself had not been able to do initially with Sebastian, they would start talking to him and then the real spell was cast. Sebastian’s genuineness, his sweet open nature, would charm anyone. Chris watched as person after person fell under Sebastian’s unknowing thrall and smiled to himself.

When he got back to his spot after going to get another beer he realized that there was now only one person talking to Sebastian. It was a tall, dark man with a prowling confidence, just slightly hovering into Sebastian’s space. The man’s eyes were taking long appreciative glances of Sebastian, first his face and then leaning back to take sweeping looks at his body. Sebastian looked slightly caught, his cheeks flushing, his gaze dancing around.

Chris didn’t know how he knew, but he recognized that this was a top trying to overpower Sebastian. That thing, that primal rush, it screamed one definitive word to him in that moment. _Mine_ , he thought, _mine, mine, mine._

He was already briskly walking towards them before he even realized his feet were moving. Somewhere along the way he’d set his beer aside, leaving his hand free as he stepped up alongside Sebastian to settle on the back of his neck. He looked challenging into the other man’s eyes and he extended his other hand.

“I don’t think we’ve met.” Chris said, more forceful than social. “Chris.”

“Uh, no, we haven’t.” The other man smiled slyly at Chris. “I’m Zach.”

Only then was Chris able to see through his blinding possessiveness to realize that this was, actually, Zachary fucking Quinto. He looked at Chris for a moment, steadily, assessing. He shook Chris’s hand with a growing smirk.

“Wonderful to meet you.” Zach’s voice was as controlled as Chris’s was, the two of them sizing each other up like bucks circling one another. “Sebastian and I were just discussing our Chrises.”

“Really?” Chris turned and looked at Sebastian, saw the creeping blush over his beautiful face, watched as his tongue nervously darted out and over that pink bottom lip. That possessiveness that had been burning inside of him roared and filled Chris’s entire body. “And what did you have to say about your Chris, Seb?”

“What a pain in the ass you are.” Sebastian answered cheekily, looking down, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“As is my Chris.” Zach answered. “Might be an inherent quality that all the Chrises possess. Though I have no experience with the other two infamous Chrises.”

“They’re both pains in the ass as well, I can assure you.”

“Sebastian has some experience with my Chris, I believe.” Zach said, looking at Sebastian in a long heated way.

This was news to Chris.

“Really?”

“Yes, Chris had told me about how they’d met a while back. He had spoken so highly of Sebastian that I had to come and see this wonder for myself.”

The implication of this encounter laid heavy on his words, and the sudden blinding image of Sebastian and Chris Pine together was so beautifully erotic it made Chris’s head spin. When he came back to himself, he saw Zach smirking knowingly at him.

“It’s quite the thought, isn’t it.” He smiled at Chris then, like they were two connoisseurs each delighting in something they both uniquely appreciated.

Zach was quiet for a moment, looking first at blushing Sebastian, then at the way he’d turned his body towards Chris, leaning into the hand on his neck. When Zach met Chris’s eyes again, he saw the challenge there. Chris held it, would not be deterred. He could look elsewhere. Sebastian was his.

Zach broke eye contact first with a careless huff of a laugh, like it all had meant very little to him.

“Well maybe some day in the future the four of us can have dinner together, talk about some of the unique experiences we all share.” His tone was light now, his smile warm. “It was wonderful meeting you Sebastian. I’ll leave you to your Chris.”

Zach looked back at Chris then, his signature eyebrow arching then dipped his head down, like he was bowing out an apology.

Once he’d turned and left, Chris let out a breath.

“Jesus, if that’s what a top is, then I am definitely not one.” He said out loud, without thought.

As soon as he realized what he’d said, he felt his face redden, but Sebastian laughed his beautiful laugh.

“There are different kinds.” He said softly.

“Really?” Chris cocked an eyebrow at him. “And what kind am I?”

This openness about the unspoken thing between them made Sebastian’s gaze drop, making him defer to Chris in that beautiful way.

“The gentle kind.”

God, he loved this boy.

“You know, I would never.…” Sebastian said, softly. “I would never…. be the way I am with you with anyone…. I mean, you’re the only one….”

Chris reached out and grazed his knuckle along Sebastian’s sharp jaw line, bringing his gaze back up to meet Chris’s. 

“I’m yours.”  Sebastian said, boldly, with pride.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey if you'd like to delve into the eyeball-singingly-hot couple that is Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto you can read [the two fics I wrote about them, as well as the meta piece about their backgrounds, relationship, and the state of masculinity in general within the gay and hetero male world.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Su_Abeille/pseuds/Jean%20Genie/works?fandom_id=13057) I also have a tag on my tumblr specifically for [the idea of some combo of Zach and Chris and Seb and Chris](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/WICKED-BLUE) because CAN YOU IMAGINE?
> 
> As always, you can check out [the tag I made on my tumblr homicidalbrunette for this story,](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) as well as my [Evanstan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Evanstan) and [Stucky](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Stucky) ones. And if you're in the mood for a mix of weakingly attractive and painfully adorable, look through my [Sebastian Stan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/fucking-Sebastian-Stan) and [Chris Evans](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Chris-fucking-Evans) tags.


	7. The Miracle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've updated the playlist for this story with all of the songs mentioned in this chapter, as well as the songs in Sebastian's playlist. I picked them based on what I believe to be within Sebastian's musical taste, which, honestly, is fantastic. [Go check it out here!](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_)
> 
> You'll notice I've added an extra chapter - I've written an epilogue of sorts for the end. Again, thank you so much for the comments and kudos! Please give me more! I love them!

There was a change between them after they left, a quiet anticipation as they both stepped carefully into this deeper level of connection between them. They didn’t talk, or even touch when they went and got their food then across the street to buy wine. Somehow they both knew that they were done with being in public, that they needed it to just be the two of them now.

When they got back to Sebastian’s apartment, without the white noise of people around them, the quiet was more pronounced. Chris could sense a touch of nervousness in Sebastian as he took the bags of food and went into the kitchen, sensed it in small subtle things that he knew about Sebastian so intimately, the gaze that wouldn't meet his, his tongue darting out quickly over his top lip, the silent uncertainty in his gestures.

Chris took off his jacket, laying it over where his suitcase still sat by the door and then walked over to the kitchen, leaning against the doorway. He smiled very softly at Sebastian but still didn’t speak. He waited until he  finally looked up and saw him standing there, all of the tension draining out of Sebastian as the one corner of his mouth quirked up, a little smirk at himself, aware of his own nerves.

“Can I help?” Chris asked and Sebastian shook his head.

“Go sit at the table.” He said quietly, pulling out plates and glasses.

They ate in a companionable silence then, broken occasional by Chris letting out an appreciative groan at the food, pressing his fist to his forehead as he chewed blissfully, making Sebastian giggle. Eventually Sebastian pushed his plate over and before Chris could even argue he was smiling sweetly at him making it impossible for Chris to refuse.

Once he was done, Chris gathered the plates and insisted he be the one to clean up. Sebastian took the bottle of wine over to the low table by the couch and refilled both their glasses, then took a long draught off his. Chris watched him, watched as his throat was exposed, long and pale, and took in a deep breath. Sensing eyes on him, Sebastian looked over and their gazes met, and something was exchanged then, an agreement, an understanding, that Chris would never be able to put words to. It was like they were both entering into a something as a unit, knowing the other was there.

Sebastian’s home was a deeply personal space, containing only the things he truly loved, the things that meant the most to him, the things that he identified himself through. Everything else in the apartment were extensions of these things, cozy places to sit and read, the soft lights to highlight a beautiful painting full of expressive colours and brush strokes, long trails of ivy lovingly clinging to bookshelves that were loaded to overflowing. Chris had thought before that he knew all the different ways that Sebastian’s almost indefinable beauty could shine, but he hadn’t seen him here, in his element. He sat and watched as Sebastian excitedly showed him and talked about these things that he loved, and Chris felt a whole new level of wonder at how Sebastian became almost ethereal when he shone this brightly.

Sebastian’s long fingers trailed over much loved copies of Shakespeare plays, worn books with notations filling the margins in Sebastian’s exuberant writing, huge tomes he placed on the table to flip through and show all of the photographers and artists that meant the most to him. Chris knew that Sebastian was intelligent, knew he had been well educated, but to see how much he knew and understood, these intense emotional connections he had was an altogether different experience. He was bright, intuitive and deep. His eye was sharp, seeing into the smallest details and giving this unique perspective that was so wholly his own. Where before when Chris was around someone who was more educated than him he had felt uncultured and unsure of himself, here he felt completely safe asking Sebastian about the things he didn’t know or understand because Sebastian’s response was so joyous. He was so happy to tell Chris about it, to share with him why it was so important, so revolutionary, so provocative.

Sebastian moved to sit in front of his shelves of records, the player sitting next to them on a low table. He pulled out album after album, clutching them to his chest as he told a story about each one, about listening to his mom’s copy of Revolver when he was a kid in Romania, Queen when he was 16 in upstate New York, Bjork when he was in college. With the utmost care, he played ‘The Miracle’, tears glistening when he talked about how it must have felt for Freddie Mercury to know that he was about to die but still never losing that core of optimism, of the belief in love and connection that was in all of his music.

When Chris gestured to the keyboard set up under the window though, Sebastian demurred. Chris knew he played but had never seen him actually do it. Sebastian was struck shy at this, dropping his gaze and insisting that he wasn’t very good. Sebastian finally agreed when Chris had asked if he would please play just a little for him, not in any kind of a commanding tone, but with all the actual want he had to watch him do this.

Sebastian sat for a few moments fidgeting, getting his bearings, his cheeks pink, murmuring under his breath to himself, then reached out very gently and ran those long fingers over the surface of the keys, stroking them before actually pressing down. He pattered out a bit of Claire de Lune with one hand, then switched to something Chris didn’t recognize, and then a part of Across the Universe before hitching his shoulders up and laughing lightly.

“I don’t know what to play!”

“Play something you know I love.” Chris answered.

Sebastian paused, smiled to himself, then played ‘Under the Sea’. Chris tossed his head back and laughed.

“Come on! Sing!” Sebastian cajoled. “I know you know the words!”

Chris then loudly and very happily sang along to the entire song while Sebastian played, all from memory. When they finished they both collapsed with laughter, Chris fully stretched out and Sebastian nearly falling off his bench.

“I honestly don’t think it would be possible for me to love you more than I do at this exact moment.” Sebastian said with utter joy, still shaking with laughter and Chris blushed, feeling warm down to the very core at these words.

“I can’t believe you know how to play that whole song all by memory.”

“Oh, it’s not just that song!” And then Sebastian proceeded to play 'Kiss the Girl', singing along on his own this time.

“My very own Sebastian.” Chris said sweetly to him when he was done and he smiled proudly back at him.

Sebastian said that’s all the piano he was going to play, and that if there were going to be requests again in the future he was going to need to put out a tip jar. He went to the kitchen and brought out the wine, emptying the last of it into their glasses. Chris shifted so he was in the corner of the couch, twisting a little so his body was angled sideways and then reaching out his arm along the back.

“Com’ere.” He said, his fingers upturned and flicking towards himself twice, quickly. Sebastian pulled his lips in as his face flushed just slightly. He held up a finger, then moved over to his phone, flipping through it until the long, moody sounds of Portishead played through the room. He put his phone down then picked up the glasses, handing one to Chris, then he sat, sinking down so his shoulder was tucked into Chris’s side, his long thigh pressed against Chris’s, his foot hooking around Chris’s ankle.

They sat there for a long while, listening to the playlist of different artists, each song slow, introspective, speaking of vulnerability and the sense of connection to someone you loved. Chris could feel the warm flush of the laughter still on him, now mixing with that quiet hum that was there whenever he was this close to Sebastian. Without thought he reached up to softly stroke Sebastian’s hair, over and over, until Sebastian’s head was moving under the touch, towards Chris. The peace in that moment, Chris never wanted to lose it. This was beyond any role, any service, anything that he did for Sebastian or Sebastian did for him. This was a space that was just them, the two of them, joined, connected. It was the quiet knowledge that he wasn’t alone, that there was someone here who he loved, and who he knew loved him. This was something powerful, more powerful than anything Chris had felt in a long time, maybe ever.

Chris’s eyes finally landed on something, on a picture on the table next to him. He put down his wine glass to pick it up and hold it out in front of them.

“That you?” He asked and felt Sebastian nod against him.

“Hmm. Graduation.”

“So this is 18 year old Sebastian, huh?”

“Yup. Look at those eyebrows, sheesh.”

“Okay you aren’t allowed to say anything bad about this, especially not until you see what I looked like at 18.”

“I have a pretty good idea.”

“No, no you don’t. It was bad.”

Sebastian chuckled softly, his breath tickling Chris’s throat.

“No, I mean, I know what you looked like.”

“Oh God, no.” Chris moaned, mortified.

“Can I-” Sebastian took a little hesitant breath.

“What, Seb?”

“I wanna tell you about the first boy I ever had a crush on.” He said, sitting up and taking the picture from Chris’s unresisting hand and placing it and his wine glass on the table before turning towards him, bringing his knee up to lay his leg over Chris’s.

“He was in my class all through high school. It was a small school so we all kind of knew each other, even if you didn’t hang out together. He definitely didn’t hang out with me. He was incredible, good at every single sport. I would… he would be…. I would just watch him, it was like, it wasn’t elegance, but the strength, the assurance he had when he’d be out there, it was, fuck, I mean, it was just like, yeah, I, uh, I thought about it lot, you know when I was…” He snorted quietly when Chris chuckled at him. “Yeah, but it wasn’t that, I mean, it wasn’t _just_ that. He would…. I noticed right from the beginning that he would… during English he would get really quiet. I realized that he was shy, he was, like, uncertain. He didn’t have that confidence that he had on the field, but it wasn’t because he didn’t understand, it was because he did. I could see how the things we were reading were affecting him. _The Outsiders_ , _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , he was so absorbed by them, but he was scared to say anything. Everyone saw him as this jock and no one expected him to be, well, sensitive, to understand the emotions in these books, the sense of isolation and loneliness. When the teacher read the end of _The Great Gatsby_ out loud, I saw that he had tears, actual tears, in his eyes. Well, fuck, man, I was just…. I was fucking gone. I wasn’t, I mean, I couldn’t talk to him. You know the caste system of high school, he was above my level and there was no situation, no place where we would be able to actually talk to one another outside a class assignment. But all the way through school, I really saw him, I think, in a way no one else did, but I never told anyone, especially not him.”

Sebastian gestured to the picture then.

“That day, after the ceremony, I knew that this was it, that I wasn’t ever going to see him again. I had found this great old copy of Gatsby, like one from the 40's, when I was at the Strand. When everything was over I went and waited by his truck in the parking lot. God, I must have looked like such a stalker. I don’t know what I expected from him, I just needed him to know that I knew, that someone had seen that he was more than people expected of him. When he finally walked up to the truck, I just started babbling, saying that I knew he and I weren’t friends but that I remembered he liked this book a lot and that I thought he’d like this copy.”

“What happened?” Chris was transfixed.

“He, uh, he was… he kinda didn’t say anything at first. He took the book though, and he handled it so carefully, and I knew I’d done the right thing. I went to walk away and he reached out and touched my shoulder, and, God, I thought I would die I was so happy because he was touching me, smiling at me, really smiling. He thanked me and I just, I didn't have the words. I just nodded and walked away.”

“Did you ever see him again?”

“No, that was it. But that moment, that made it worth it. Though, Christ Almighty, do I wish I had gotten to at least make out with him.” Sebastian laughed to himself, then his eyes floated up to Chris’s face finally. “That first night I met you, years ago in LA, you were so cocksure, so full of swagger, it was very…. well, very alluring. But the next time, at the table read, sitting next to you and seeing how unsure you were, watching as you went from being so happy to be there to being so scared that you were going to fall short of what was being expected of you… I knew that I could be the one to see you, to see beyond this version of you that had been created, that I could see the sensitive, unsure man underneath.”

Chris felt his chest go tight, his breath hitching. All of these feelings rushed through him, so many that he couldn’t find his voice. His eyes traced every inch of Sebastian’s expression, the love in those clear blue eyes, the sweetness of the smile, the glow of his cheeks, and felt weakened, felt his limbs go heavy. He wanted to move, wanted to touch Sebastian, to do something, but he didn't know how, he didn’t know the gestures.

Sebastian did though. He moved, slowly but with confidence, over Chris’s lap straddling his legs, pressing his knee between Chris’s side and the arm of the couch and the other against Chris’s other hip. He rested his weight back on Chris’s knees, giving him space, but still reaching out to clasp onto either side of Chris’s neck, dipping his head down to find Chris’s gaze.

Chris couldn’t look at him, not in that moment. He nervously fidgeted with his hands over his lap, completely unsure of what to do.

“I know that you’re scared, Chris, scared of someone seeing who you really are.” Sebastian said it barely above a whisper.

Chris nodded, his throat tight, his eyes starting to burn. Sebastian didn’t press him. They sat like this, not speaking, as Sebastian moved his one hand over Chris's shoulder and and the other palm flat against his chest.

“I get-” Chris tried to talk, feeling the tears choking his voice. “I want…. I try to…. I’m such a fuck up. I can’t let people see what a fuck up I am.”

He folded in a little at this, leaning towards Sebastian as his shoulders closed in, trying to hide himself.

Chris looked down at his own hands, curled up uselessly in the space between them, watched Sebastian’s chest rise and fall with his breaths and blinked hard as two tears dropped from his eyes. He felt broken, pathetic, lost. All of his doubt, all of his fear was starting to roar in his head. Like a drowning man he cast out, looking for something to pull himself up to the surface. He reached out, just his finger and his thumb, gently rubbing Sebastian’s shirt between them to convince himself that he was there, that this was real.

Slowly, very very slowly, he started to register where Sebastian was touching him. Chris felt those long fingers move over his shoulders, tracing the shape of the tense muscles in his back, up the back of his neck and then back over the same path. He focused on this, the soft repetitive touches. He was finally able to hear the soft shushing from Sebastian, murmurs, not words really, just soothing noises, and unconsciously he leaned towards it, more and more until his forehead was pressed to Sebastian’s shoulder.

He started to match his hitching breaths to Sebastian’s steady in and out, listened to that low voice, soft in his ear. Sebastian was saying something then, something that seemed unreal at first. He was telling him that Chris was wonderful, and good and kind and worthy.  Chris shuddered with a sob at this. He wanted to believe this, he did. It had to be true, if Sebastian thought it so, didn’t it? Or was Chris so good at convincing him that he actually made him believe-

Sebastian was leaning back now, his fingers moving to cup Chris’s down turned face. Still he asked nothing of Chris, waited, quiet, with only the expectation of his love for him.

Chris looked down at where his fingers were now grasping the front of Sebastian’s shirt, holding onto it like a lifeline. Those doubts, always there, poked and prodded, trying to get Chris to listen to them, these old strongholds, the tenets by which he had lived, the strong walls they’d built for him to hide behind, safe but so alone.

“Chris.”

It was Sebastian’s voice, soft, close, saying his name in a way that no one ever had. Full of understanding, of love that didn’t demand anything. It broke through the noise, through the fear, like the green light across the water.

He looked up then, finally seeing those eyes looking back at him and it was all there, clear and true and real. For the first time, Chris felt like someone was really seeing him and he wasn’t scared. He was safe, loved.

Sebastian smiled at him so fondly, his gaze soft, and he looked completely mesmerized. His fingers moved up to Chris's face, tracing along his brows, across his cheeks, smoothing over his soft beard, studying him, taking in every bit of him. Gently, so very gently, he moved the tip of his thumbs across Chris’s long lashes, clumped with unshed tears, and when Chris opened his eyes again, Sebastian was looking at him with a face full of wonder. He breathed out slowly then, speaking so unthinkingly it seemed like he didn’t realize he was at all.

“Beautiful.”

No one had ever told him he was beautiful, not like this, not with such honesty. No one, no past lover, had ever touched him with such tenderness. He felt adored, actually adored in this moment. The tightness in his chest was unknotting, he felt like his whole being was expanding as this affection filled him. He felt bright, shining. Seeing himself reflected back through Sebastian was like taking a blessedly deep breath. In that moment, Chris felt something he never thought he would feel. He felt beautiful, worthy, good. He felt every part of him was loved, truly loved.

He could feel each part of his body where it touched Sebastian’s then, the weight of him on his legs, the press of his knees on either side of his hips. Chris untangled his fingers from Sebastian’s shirt to hold on to Sebastian's waist, feeling his warmth through the thinness of his shirt. The physical presence of Sebastian was so real now, he was solid, there. He moved his hands up then, up and over Sebastian’s chest, up to the wingspan of his collarbones. A flash, the memory of Sebastian’s throat, long, bared, while he drank his wine earlier, appeared in Chris’s mind and he ran his fingertips softly over it now, feeling Sebastian’s pulse fluttering. That fluttering seemed to be echoing through Chris’s entire body. Chris didn’t know what it was, this tremor, didn’t know if it was desire or fear or relief or joy or maybe all of them at the same time. It made him feel leadened, made him feel….

“You…” He spoke finally, his voice cracking, rough. “You weaken me.”

For better or for worse, it was true. Sebastian left him utterly defenseless, vulnerable, open. It was an intimacy deeper than anything Chris ever thought he was capable of.

Sebastian’s hands grasped him firmly, quickly, his fingers sure on either side of his face, the thumb still damp with tears as it ran over Chris’s bottom lip, and then Sebastian was kissing him. He kissed him softly, barely moving his lips at first, a light pressure as Chris came back to himself, until he realized yes, this was real, this was happening.

He reacted purely on instinct then, all thoughts obliterated, everything distilled down to the velvety, lush top lip, of the feel of it between his. Chris opened his mouth slightly, just enough so he could sweep the tip of his tongue along that lip, the way he’d watched Sebastian do a hundred times, a thousand times. The taste of it, the feel, it was like letting go, like falling into the unknown.

Here, in this, it was Sebastian who was guiding them. His fingers were sure, cradling Chris’s jaw, gently, moving Chris’s head to the side so he could angle a little deeper, pulling in Chris’s bottom lip ever so slightly. His lips moved then, and Chris had to take deep shuddery breaths as Sebastian ghosted them over his cheeks, his forehead, over his closed eyes, touching him then even more tenderly than he had with his fingers. Chris felt fragile, cherished, like everything in the world had been reduced down to this, to them, to Sebastian’s touches. He floated in this, breathed it in, let it rush over every part of him.

Still, a sharp fear rose up, pierced him, old, as primal as the one that lead him to protect Sebastian. He couldn’t lose this. He had to keep this. Without this he would be adrift, the fears would come back and he wouldn’t be able to….

His arms were around Sebastian, pulling him flush against him, tight, before he could stop himself. He clung to him, his heart pounding, squeezing Sebastian to him, muscles trembling. He buried his face into Sebastian’s neck. Never knowing why, Chris nipped with his teeth at the skin at the juncture of Sebastian’s neck and shoulder, not sharply, but quick, instinctual.

Sebastian didn’t fight him on this, in fact Chris could feel him grasping him back just as fiercely, felt Sebastian’s folded up legs pressed against his sides, his feet burrowing in under his hips, his arms looped tightly around his shoulders, hands threaded through Chris's hair.

They held still in this achingly tight embrace for a long time. Chris didn’t know which one of them was rocking them ever so slightly, maybe they both were, but it lulled him, soothed him. He could feel the last bit of tension leaving his body. The security of this embrace, of having Sebastian pressed to him, it made him settle into this stillness. This was the standing point amoungst all the spinning world, here, in his arms, wrapped around him.

He hadn’t realized he was starting to droop with exhaustion until he felt Sebastian shift his body ever so slightly so Chris’s weight was being supported by the arms he had wrapped around Chris’s shoulders. Sebastian pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Come on, babe, we need to sleep.” He whispered. Chris nodded, everything fuzzy now.

Sebastian was moving, gently pulling Chris towards him, eventually pulling him to his feet. Chris wavered, forehead still resting on Sebastian’s shoulder. Sebastian’s arms had moved to wrap around his waist, and Chris felt him press another kiss to his cheek.

“You’re dead on your feet, look at you.” Sebastian nuzzled against him, and he felt more than saw Sebastian smiling.

Chris started to pull back, going to flop down on the couch but Sebastian caught him, grasping his hips.

“No, you’re sleeping in the bed with me.” He said. “Don’t know why you slept on the couch this afternoon to begin with.”

Chris let himself be lead, going with him in complete trust. Once he was in there he glanced around, almost covertly, at the most personal of all Sebastian’s space. The room was dim, the light by the bed low and golden, making everything seem dreamlike.

Sebastian pulled away then, and Chris watched, blinking in silence, as Sebastian shucked off his jeans. He had no idea what to do in that moment, what he was supposed to do, what he wanted to do, if he could do it, if he should, what would he, how would he-

Before any of the nerves could overwhelm him, Sebastian leaned forward and chastely kissed the corner of Chris’s mouth then gently shook his head with that soft, understanding smile. He tugged on Chris’s belt loop as the smile turned into a grin.

“Come on, you know how I feel about sleeping in jeans.”

Chris snorted out a soft laugh.

“It’s the worst.”

“Yup.”

Sebastian stepped back then, turning to the bed, giving Chris the space to stumble out of his jeans. When he was done he looked up to see Sebastian in just his t shirt and boxer briefs, that long, long body stretched out on the bed and he felt his breath hitch. There was that tremor again, fear, desire, love, all mixed together.

“Com’ere.” Sebastian said and Chris fell gratefully into the bed next to him.

Sebastian pulled the blankets up over them, then rolled back to flick the light off. In the darkness they moved to one another, falling into each other like two sides of a single whole. This wasn’t like the other times they’d curled up to sleep together though. Chris reached out to Sebastian this time, and it was him who ducked his head under Sebastian’s chin as Sebastian’s long arms wrapped around him.

Chris struggled to stay awake for just a little while longer, feeling Sebastian’s warmth against him, the comforting scent of him so strong here in Sebastian’s bed. He wanted to be in this space forever, safe in the dark with him. Sebastian stroked his fingers over Chris’s back, over his shoulder, through his hair, over the shell of his ear.

“Go to sleep.” He whispered, and Chris fell into sleep willingly, without any fear.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here's the link for playlist of all the songs I listed in here, as well as the ones in Sebastian's playlist.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_%22)
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> Once again, you can go check out [the tag I made on my tumblr homicidalbrunette for this story](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man), as well as my [Evanstan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Evanstan), [Stucky](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Stucky), [Chris Evans](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/chris-fucking-evans) and [Sebastian Stan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/fucking-sebastian-stan) tags.


	8. Take Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For angst related purposes, Dodger doesn't appear in this chapter. My apologies, dear sir.
> 
> The version of Take Care that I used as a reference is [this beautiful cover by Florence Welch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6KUk8yONB8)
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> This story deals with mental health issues, like disassociation, anxiety, depression, self doubt and the struggle to believe in yourself. I want to let my fellow soldiers who are dealing with this know that they also have help out there - [here's a link to helplines around the world for anyone who's read this and related to the struggles in the story.](http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines)
> 
> Ask for help, talk to someone, let them help you. You're not in this alone.

Spring-Winter 2016

 

There were arms around him, strong arms, holding Chris close, pulling Chris towards a warm chest, the steady _thudthudthud_ of a heartbeat echoing in Chris’s ear. It was dark here, quiet and still. Chris took in a long deep breath and knew instantly who held him. Sebastian, it was Sebastian, beautiful Sebastian, who loved him, who understood him, who thought Chris was worthy of being loved by someone as special as him. He held on tighter, never wanting to let go, and was drifted in this space until there was something, an insistent irritating noise, pulling him away from it, away from Sebastian, and he felt fear lance through him as he reached out, scrambling for him, desperately trying not to lose him….

Chris blinked himself awake then, looking around at his bedroom, still dim in the acrid morning sunlight of Los Angeles. He reached out to turn the alarm on his phone off, heaving his body up to swing his legs to the side of the bed, elbows on his knees as he buried his face in his hands, try to breath despite the sharp pain inside him.

Mornings were agonizing. The memory of waking up with Sebastian holding him, of being sheltered and loved would disappear and then he’d be here, in his own bed, in his own house, alone.

Chris started to move through the motions of the morning, showering, dressing, eating breakfast all out of habit, muscle memory, not really being present during any of it. He was blank, not consciously aware of what he was doing. This was the only way now that he could get through the morning, the afternoon, the day, his life.

That morning with Sebastian had been painful in a way Chris had never experienced before. Every part of him screamed to stay, to never leave, but he had to. There were expectations, things that they both had to do, wanted to do. Chris knew that, knew it was an undeniable truth, but his traitorous heart didn’t want to know, refused. They had laid there, wrapped around each other for longer than they should have, and then Chris knew he had to be the one to do it. He was the one who led, he was the one who made sure they both stayed on track, did what was needed of them. When he pulled away, he’d done it swiftly, a quick, wretchedly painful moment. It was as if their bond was a tangible thing, and he had had to rip them apart, tear his heart from Sebastian’s.

He dressed quietly, not daring to look at where Sebastian was curled up in his sheets. He couldn’t; he knew that one look and he’d be lost and Chris couldn’t do that, not to Sebastian. It was desperate of him, clingy and weak, to need to be with Sebastian so badly. He couldn’t let his need for validation and assurance throw everything off course. He was going to move on like he had before, knowing that the pain of not being with Sebastian every day was difficult, but that he would do as he’d done before, figured out a way to move on, to try and push away that constant ache.

Only there in the end, right as Chris stood at the door of the bedroom, did he break the silence.

“I’ll….” He started to say, and so many words rushed forward, promises he couldn’t keep, needs he couldn’t speak of, that they strangled him. He had had to turn away then, saying nothing more. He was at the front door, opening it with his suitcase in hand, when he’d heard a soft noise from the bedroom. It could have been anything, a farewell, a plea, a sob, but Chris couldn’t turn back. He couldn’t.

Chris thought that once he got back to LA, once he got back to the routine of meetings and auditions and events that the almost crippling pain he’d experienced the entire trip home would lessen. Instead, over the months, it had increased, spread through him like a sickness.

His heart beat out the same thing over and over and over, deafening, blocking out everything else. I need, I want, I need, I want, I need, I want. He knew that if was going to be able to survive this, he was going to have to adapt, to figure out how to live his life despite that bone deep sense of loss.

Somewhere during those first agonizing days, the cognitive part of his brain had started to turn off. He would be deep in the grips of this pain and then just suddenly not be present. He would look down and see that he’d made coffee, dressed, stood listening to someone tell a story, even driven home, all without having any real memory of it. It was a relief, this time out from not just reality, but his own screaming need.

Something else had happened now that he was alone, now that it was just his own voice echoing back to him in the cavernous empty rooms of his house. All of his self doubts, his insecurities that had been silenced, soothed, pushed away by Sebastian’s words, his fingertips, his lips, they were louder than they ever had been before. He tried so hard to remember Sebastian saying that he was good, that he was worthy, but in this unending silence those old voices boomed out again, louder than the fading memory of Sebastian’s voice.

If the mornings were difficult, the nights were unfathomable.

He would put off going to bed for a long as he could. When he would be able to actually get into bed, he’d keep all the lights on, and turned on a loud movie, the explosions and thumping bass echoing through his empty bedroom. He’d drop off to sleep amoungst all the light and noise, distracted momentarily from the memory of Sebastian’s heartbeat against his ear, and would think that finally he was going to be able to sleep, blindly turning off the tv and the lights to curl up on his side, a pillow clutched to his chest.

In this silence, his mind would come alive, and there would be a flash of Sebastian’s face under his fingertips, the feeling of Sebastian’s hand moving over his chest, the whisper of his voice in his ear telling him he was safe, that he was loved, and Chris’s mind would splinter, the stabbing of self doubt mixing with the ache of loneliness, spiralling around each other until Chris would sit up, his breaths tight, chest heaving, as panic washed over him. It would take long, uncountable minutes for him to come back to himself, to the reality of the vacant bed, in the dark. The sheets would feel icy, the pillow in his arms squeezed and twisted, and he’d fall back, exhausted. He’d find his tablet where he’d left it the night before, under the pillows on the other side of the bed, the pillows that should have cradled someone beautiful and precious. He would roll back onto his side and curl in on himself again, his closed fist under his cheek. In the dark void, with just the light of the screen on his face, Chris would look for things for Sebastian, buying him first edition copies of books, beautifully crafted pendants made of rare stones the colour of Sebastian’s eyes, big comfy looking sweaters that Chris hoped would make him feel as warm as he himself had been in Sebastian’s arms.

He would never, could never, message Sebastian during those achingly lonely hours. He’d been very careful with how much he contacted Sebastian during the spring and the summer. He used the idea that he was doing it for Sebastian’s benefit to hide the fact that it was actually about Chris being scared of seeming too starved for his attention. They would text each other a couple of times every day or so, usually Sebastian thanking him for the gifts, sending him pictures, one of the first edition copy of Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful and The Damned open in front of him, just his eyes looking over the top, another of Sebastian’s long fingers spanned out with a signet ring that a wealthy perfumer had once worn in Egypt thousand of years ago over his knuckle, and one of the knot of a beautiful silk tie under his collar, the bit of his throat showing making Chris feel lightheaded with desire. In their own unintentional way, these pictures were torture, glimpses of what Chris wanted so much, so far away. Sebastian would want to Facetime with him, but Chris couldn’t do it. He couldn’t hear Sebastian’s voice, see him smile at him, not with an entire country between them.

His lack of focus, his detachment, started to effort all areas of his life, most cripplingly his work. He was up for a part in a good movie in September, a real chance for him, one of those movies that you knew just from reading the script was going to make its mark. He wanted the role, and was trying to work on his audition, trying to find that character in him, trying to be present enough to do it. When he’d been outside the room where the other actors were reading for the casting director, though, all of those doubts inside him bubbled up. The idea that he might be good enough for a movie this important, to work with a director of this caliber, it suddenly seemed so stupid. He’d tried then, tried to remember Sebastian’s voice in his ear, telling him he was worthy, that he was good enough, but it was drifting away, like a ghost fading into nothingness. The audition had been a joke, a disaster, and when Chris got home, he’d barely made it in the door before he was dropping down to the floor, pulling his knees up, hiding his face in his hands, the weight of his failure, his own fumbling ineptitude crippling him, breaking him.

He couldn’t talk to Sebastian about this, though, he couldn’t ask that he prop Chris up again and again. It was something that Chris had to work through alone, it was too much to ask of Sebastian, to expect him to always have to reassure him. This wasn’t what they did, this wasn’t what Chris was to him. Chris was the one who led, the one who knew what needed to be done. He loved Sebastian, and knew that Sebastian loved him as well, but they each lived their own lives. Chris was there when they were navigating the maze of their movies together, but now, in the time in between, they were separate.

Chris had mentioned that he was up for that part, but when Sebastian asked how the audition went Chris had lied, actually lied to him, telling him that they’d decided to go a different way with the character. He’d felt sick texting that falsehood to him, but he couldn’t let Sebastian know that he’d failed yet again.

He thought that he was doing a good job holding back his loneliness, hiding his bone deep sense of loss. He avoided friends who might have noticed a change in him, kept everyone at bay with excuses and deflections. Out of everyone for him to encounter that fall, Robert would have been the worst. So of course it was him that Chris ended up reading with for an audition.

“Jesus, you look like shit.” Robert said once they were out of the room, cornering him as Chris gathered up his stuff to leave, desperate to get out of there.

“Yeah thanks.” He said weakly.

“I’m serious, you look exhausted. What’s going on?” Chris heaved a sigh, knowing Robert wouldn’t let him go without some sort of explanation.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I think I fucked up something in my back or something last week, and the bed is really uncomfortable and I haven’t been…” He’d been looking everywhere but at Robert, fidgeting with his coat and his phone, and was silenced by a hand on his arm.

“You’re a shitty liar.” When Chris looked up at him Robert had that look of understanding and Chris felt like an asshole for lying to him, for lying to Sebastian, for lying to everyone, including himself.

“I’m just…” He sighed. “Just dealing with something right now. But I’ll be okay.”

It was a small lie, in comparison, but one he was constantly trying to believe, clinging to it like a life raft in the middle of a hurricane. Robert had pulled back, letting him have that one false comfort.

“Come over to my place sometime next week, we’ll have dinner and maybe, if you’re up to it, we can talk a little about what’s going on.”

Chris couldn’t help but smile, somewhat haltering, back at him, feeling a tickle in his chest when he remembered how good Robert had always been to him, then a wash of guilt when he thought about what a shitty friend he was back. It was because of that guilt that he said he would come over, but the next week he had cancelled last minute. His brain came up with a thousand reasons why he shouldn’t go, all covering the fear that Robert might want him to talk about the real reason he looked like shit.

He should have known that Robert wouldn’t let it go that easily, that he would know exactly why Chris was this despondent. The next day Sebastian had messaged him, asking if everything was alright. He cursed Robert under his breath, feeling a bubble of anger in his chest at being betrayed like this. Robert had no right. If he really understood, he would have never done this, never gone to Sebastian. If he really cared about Chris he would have let him work his way through this.

All Chris wanted now was to be left alone. All of those horrible emotions had formed into what felt like a hard black stone stuck in his chest, impenetrable and heavy and constantly reminding him of its presence.

Sebastian wouldn’t be put off by a quick dismissive text now, and insisted that Chris call him, talk to him. This was the very last thing that Chris could do. It was one thing to lie to Sebastian through typed words on a screen, but to actually voice them, it would be one of the shittiest things he could ever do. Sebastian couldn’t know though, could never know that he was this bad off. This wasn’t Sebastian job, to fix it. It was Chris’s duty to figure this out, to live through it.

Chris’s only option now was to not respond, to avoid, to ignore Sebastian’s texts. With that same detachment he’d used to get through his days, he would see texts from him come up and robotically swipe them away, not answering. Sebastian started to text more then, asking Chris to answer, and to stave him off Chris would send a quick _‘busy, sorry’_ back, until eventually Sebastian seemed to get the hint and his texts petered out to silence.

This was worse. This was worse than lonely mornings and dark nights, than a cold bed and the echo of only his own voice in empty rooms. Now there was nothing, there was no Sebastian at all. Chris hadn’t sent him anything, no gifts, no treasures, no words for weeks, and realized that even in that one role, the one he always felt confident in, he’d failed again. He would always fail. He was broken, pathetic. Unworthy.

That hard stone in his chest got bigger, heavier, and Chris felt it always now, with every breath, with the bitter taste of metal in the back of his throat, the frisson of panic at his own patheticness just under his skin. This fear had activated his base responses, and he chose freeze over fight or flight. He was locked into it. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. There was nothing, absolutely nothing.

Chris forgot, in that time, what Sebastian’s love had done for him, that it had saved him. He forgot until he wasn’t allowed to forget anymore.

He was curled up in a chair in his living room, lights on around him. It was late at night, or maybe early in the morning, he didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there. He had been listlessly watching some movie on his tablet that he couldn’t follow, floating in the nothingness of his blanked out mind when his phone had chirped at him.

A message this late caused an inadvertent reaction inside him. Something was wrong, that’s what a message this late meant.

It was Sebastian. That moment of worry had broken him briefly out of his unfeeling shell, and he’d opened the message without being able to stop himself.

It was a video. Chris felt panic rush in, and he was suddenly deeply terrified. He couldn’t watch it. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t.

Somehow he was pressing play before he knew he’d done it.

There was Sebastian’s beautiful profile, head bowed, face shadowed. He didn’t look at the camera, only down. He took a deep breath in and lifted his hands, and there was music. He was playing his piano, a soft melody, simple, and then he was singing, the voice Chris missed so much, melodic, quiet, breaking with emotion.

“If you let me, here's what I'll do.” He sang, softly, full of love. “I'll take care of you.”

There was so much truth and earnestness there that everything in Chris broke. He took in huge deep sobbing breaths, that hard stone in his chest shattering and all of the pain and fear and loneliness and want and need and love rushing through every part of him, and he was weakened by it, weakened by Sebastian and by his love for him.

It took a long time for Chris to be coherent enough to form thoughts, words. Only two words rang through him then, and with trembling fingers he typed and sent them.

‘ _Please come._ ’

Chris had no discernible memory after that, had no idea about how he spent the rest of the night and the next morning. All he remembered was the emotions he’d been hiding from ripping through him like a hurricane, upending all his moorings, casting him out into all of the chaos without an anchor, the cold press of fear mixing with the sharpness of his insecurities. He knew that somewhere, out there, there was a light, a beacon that was coming closer to him, and that if he managed to just hold on, he would be saved.

Eventually he was able to get his shaking legs out and under him, get himself coherent enough to perform some basic human functions, but everything still felt far away, unreal. It wasn’t until he heard that knock on the door that suddenly he came back to himself fully, came back to the present.

Still scared that this all wasn’t real, Chris went to the door, opening it slowly. There was Sebastian, beautiful Sebastian standing there, really there, in front of him. Chris didn’t know which one of them moved first because suddenly he was holding on to Sebastian, holding him even tighter than he had that night in New York. He was clinging to him, fingers grasping tight enough to bruise, crushing him against his chest, and he felt Sebastian holding him just as strongly, squeezing the breath from him, felt Sebastian’s fingers curled in his hair, his mouth pressed to his ear, saying something that Chris couldn’t hear over the roar of blood in his head.

He was moving then, pulling Sebastian off his feet, not realizing what he was doing until he had moved them so Sebastian was pressed up against the wall, held there by Chris’s body. Sebastian didn’t fight this, he let Chris move him where he needed him, moving his hands to rub over Chris’s back, now shuddering with sobs.

Chris was saying Sebastian’s name over and over into Sebastian’s neck, breathing him in, trying to convince himself that he was really there. Finally he heard that voice speaking low, whispering, only for him. It was telling Chris he wasn’t alone, that he was loved, that Sebastian loved him, that he was wonderful and amazing and beautiful and worthy and not alone, never alone, never again, telling Chris to listen, to really hear him, to say yes, he knew this, he knew he was loved, he knew that he wasn’t alone anymore and Chris raggedly said yes over and over into Sebastian’s throat where the words Sebastian spoke vibrated against Chris’s lips.

Chris felt all of the sadness and fear start to drain out of him, felt his shoulders unknot under Sebastian’s touch, was able to take longer breaths in and out, to loosen his death grip on Sebastian slightly. Eventually Chris was able to pull back just a little, responding quietly to him asking if he was ok for now with a nod, but unable to look up, scared of the idea of Sebastian seeing everything written so clearly in the dark shadows under his eyes, in the lines on his face. He wasn’t allowed to hide though. Sebastian was brave where Chris wasn’t. He put a finger under Chris’s chin, lifting his face up so they could look at each other at long last. Chris was incredulous at the sight of him, of this face that he’d missed so much here, now, so close, so full of love and understanding.

“Hi.” Sebastian said, his eyes full of tears while he smiled with such gratefulness. Chris let out a watery, relieved huff of a laugh.

“Hi.” He answered, taking a steadying breath, moving his hands so they were against Sebastian’s chest. His fingers were still trembling, despite Chris’s attempt to calm himself, and he shook his head at this, at just how deeply this all had affected him.

Sebastian wrapped his long fingers around Chris’s, holding them still, using his other hand to stroke Chris’s cheek, to swipe away the last of his tears with his thumb. He bowed his head then, pressing their foreheads together, and they both stood still then, their breaths syncing, holding tight to one another’s hands. It was Sebastian who finally pulled away, pressing a quick kiss to Chris’s lips.

He lead Chris to the kitchen then, pushed him back to sit on one of the high stools surrounding the counter. He kissed him again then, like he couldn’t help himself.

“Stay here. I’ll be right back, I promise.” Chris felt his heart leap with panic at the idea of Sebastian leaving, and he held on to his hand tightly, eyes wide. “I promise, babe, just ten seconds, and I’ll be back.”

Chris swallowed hard, and, still not trusting his voice, he nodded, letting Sebastian’s hand slip out of his. When Sebastian came back he had bags from the deli by his apartment. He set everything up on the counter in front of Chris, opening the bags and pulling out a big wrapped sandwich, bottles of Italian soda, and a white boxes full of sweet pastries. Suddenly Chris realized that he was starving, that he hadn’t eaten a proper meal in longer than he could remember. Sebastian took one look at the expression on Chris’s face and laughed softly.

“Yeah, I had a feeling you’d be hungry.”

Sebastian didn’t even bother with plates, unwrapping the sandwich and handing it right to Chris. Chris ate it so fast he barely tasted it, stopping only when Sebastian made him have something to drink. Sebastian sat next to him, his hands clasped between his thighs, softly encouraging Chris to eat more, and just watching him. Chris would stop every once in awhile, reaching out for him and Sebastian would be there, his hand out for Chris to hold.

When he was done and Sebastian pulled open the box of pastries, Chris finally really looked at his face. Sebastian looked just as exhausted as he was. There were shadows under his eyes, dark like bruises and worry had cut lines between his brows and around his mouth. Chris realized that this was his fault, that he had caused Sebastian this much upset. He reached out for Sebastian’s hand again, holding it tight.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I… that I was so…” In that moment, Chris actualized what he had been doing to Sebastian. His fears, his isolation, had hurt Sebastian as well.

“Chris, it’s okay, I know you were…”

“I hurt you, I was being selfish. I lied to you, Sebastian. I rejected you, pushed you away, and it was cruel, dismissive. I am so sorry, God, I am so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, no it’s not. You deserve to be treated better. I’m sorry, and I promise I won’t do it again.”

He watched as Sebastian swallowed hard, nodding.

“This means you also have to forgive yourself, though.” Sebastian said, pulling Chris closer to him, eyes full of compassion and tenderness. “I know that you know I love you, but you have to _let_ me love you. You have to let me take care of you, like you have for me. It’s okay to be weak, because I’m here, I’m with you, and I can be strong for you.”

He nodded, biting his bottom lip hard, gripping both of Sebastian’s hands so tight his knuckles were white.

“Come on,” Sebastian said. “I’m as exhausted as you are.”

Much like he had that night in New York he was lead to the bedroom, spent from having all of those emotions raging through him for so long and now feeling cored out by them. He went where Sebastian wanted him, standing next to the bed and looking down as Sebastian kneeled in front of him to pull his sweatpants off. Chris reached out his hand then, placed it on the top of Sebastian’s head, stroking his fingers through the curls. That beautiful face turned up to his, there at his feet, and Chris felt that desire start to unfurl in him. Sebastian took Chris’s hand again, and pressed a kiss to his palm.

“Later.” He whispered.

He watched Sebastian as he went out of the room, and didn’t have any trepidation this time that he wouldn’t come back. When he did he had his arms full of sheets and blankets, and told Chris to go and have a shower.

“Just a quick one, and then you can get into these clean sheets with me.”

Chris nodded and went, all of the raging thoughts in his head gone now that he had Sebastian there, now that he had Sebastian’s voice to tell him what needed to be done, now that he was letting Sebastian lead.

When he got out of the shower he felt better than he had in a long time. The hot water seemed to have scoured some kind of invisible shell he’d been encased in, and he felt his muscles stretching, his body able to move freely again. He padded back into the bedroom naked and still a little damp to find Sebastian lowering the blinds, the bed made with the covers pulled back. He smiled so purely at Chris then, so fully and openly that Chris felt like something inside him was opening back up, blossoming under the warmth that was spreading through him.

“Come get into bed.” Sebastian said, and Chris obeyed, burrowing under the covers, the clean sheets against his naked skin feeling like pure bliss. He let out a long deep sigh, rolling over onto his stomach, arms folded under his pillow.

He watched with half lidded eyes as Sebastian took off his jacket, his t shirt, his socks, the ring Chris had gotten him, his belt, his jeans and then his boxer briefs before slipping into the bed next to him. He reached over to turn off the light and again, they moved to one another, Chris’s arms wrapping around Sebastian’s middle, nuzzling into Sebastian’s bare chest, breathing his scent in, feeling where his skin was touching his. That curling desire was there, but the way Sebastian was touching him was soft, with pure affection and care, and Chris let himself fall into it.

“You don’t have to be scared, you don’t have to be alone.” Sebastian whispered to him. “You have me now. I’ll help you, I can make things better.”

“Okay.” Chris managed to say.

“You’re everything to me. Let me be everything to you too.”

This time, the dark wasn’t blinding, the bed wasn’t cold, the room wasn’t empty. He was safe, loved, just as cherished by Sebastian as Sebastian was by him.

“I love you. I love you so much.” He whispered into the dim light of the setting winter sun peaked through the blinds. “I love you more than I can ever say, than I ever thought I could love anyone.”

Sebastian kissed his forehead, his arms tight and sure around him.

"I love you too, Chris. I'm not going anywhere, not anymore."

Right before he drifted off, Chris thought of that first moment years ago, when a beautiful boy had smiled up at him, bright shining eyes really seeing him, and knew that Sebastian had always been there, waiting for him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> want to share again the number for [The Trevor Project ](http://www.thetrevorproject.org/)\- **866-488-7386**. It's a crisis line for LGBTQ+ kids who are struggling with their identity and being accepted. I want to remind my fellow queer ppl of what Chris Evans himself said, that you are loved. I've been through the struggles of being rejected and hurt by homophobia, so if anyone needs someone to talk to about it, please call the Trevor Lifeline, or you can contact me through my tumblr [homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com](homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com) and I will listen and accept and love.
> 
> Check out [the tag I made on my tumblr homicidalbrunette for this story,](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) my [Evanstan tag](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Evanstan) and [Stucky tag](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Stucky) as well as my [Sebastian Stan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/fucking-Sebastian-Stan) and [Chris Evans](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Chris-fucking-Evans) tags.


	9. Claire de Lune

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, you have made it through the slow burn, and now we have some smut! 
> 
> ['Claire de Lune'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvFH_6DNRCY&list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_&index=9) translates to 'the light of the moon.'

 

February 2017

 

Chris’s first impulse was to hit back, to shoot back with just as much rage.

The anger that fueled this kind of hate was so eclipsing that it seemed to blanket out everything, making the only way to respond was to fight.

Scott had delicately told him that if he didn’t want to have to deal with this kind of hatred he shouldn’t have started it, and Chris knew that it was absolutely true. It was actually Mark who had inadvertently gotten him to say something. Mark didn’t give a fuck who he upset. He was stalwart, a warrior. When Chris had texted him to tell him he was in awe of how vocal and incensed he was, Mark had told him that it wasn’t even something he thought about, that he did it because at this point, silence was compliance.

Chris knew that was true, knew that there was a difference now between him keeping his opinions to himself and actually using his fame-amplified voice to stand up for those people who were being subjected to such hatred. He thought about his sisters and his mom and the idea of them being treated with dismissive violence, he thought about Sebastian not being welcomed into the country that had given him the chance to achieve his dreams, of his brother being shamed, threatened for who he loved, of he himself being attacked for it. It became impossible then for him to stay silent.

Having someone attack him personally, he hadn’t been prepared for the response it was going to provoke in him. The idea of this person looking at the women who Chris had worked with, respected, cared about, and viewing them as…. Chris couldn’t begin to let himself think of the full extent to which this man viewed women, though he didn’t have much of a choice. The verminous hordes had crawled out of the dark to say violent, disgusting, appalling things, making Chris feel physically ill, then quickly raising his hackles with his need to protect. He became filled with righteous, vicious anger.

On his car ride home, he’d blasted Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, Black Flag, all of these raging rock bands that Sebastian had got him listening to, and he screamed out his fury, gripping the steering wheel hard, pounding the heel of his hand against it until his skin was red and sore. The man who loved his family, who loved his friends, who loved the women in his life, who loved the man who had made him a better person, that man wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of anyone who threatened them, disrespected them. By the time he had pulled up in front of his house, he was vibrating with rage. He threw the car into park then slammed the door.

The first thing he heard when he got inside was Sebastian’s unfettered laughter ringing through the house.

Pure joy overwhelmed him, all of the anger inside him obliterated by it. He leaned back against the door, taking a deep cleansing breath, and felt a burden lift off his chest.

This was it, he realized. This was stronger than fear and anger. Joy was always brighter, bigger, it rebuilt what was broken, it made you understand and listen and empathize.

He found Sebastian in the TV room, laying on his back, with his legs up on the back of the couch, facing away from the door. _Animaniacs_ was playing on Chris’s huge screen. They’d been watching it for the last couple of weeks. Well, actually, Sebastian had been, and Chris had been watching him laugh himself sick over it and then laughing at that. Chris could see that he was Facetiming with Mackie, hence the giggling. Chris leaned over the arm of the couch so he was looking down at Sebastian.

“Hi!” Sebastian lit up when he saw him. Chris didn’t think he would ever get tired of that, of that contentment that Chris felt when he saw just how happy he made Sebastian.

“Oh, Daddy’s home!” Mackie said and Chris rolled his eyes, reaching out to angle the phone up at him.

“Dude, he’s only a year younger than me.” Chris said.

“Uh, okay. How does that explain your little sugarbaby lounging in your mansion in front of your bazillion dollar TV waiting for you to come home to him?” Mackie had his eyebrow cocked then, mouth quirked.

“Hey I wasn’t lounging! I made dinner!”

“Don’t encourage him, Seb.” Chris said and then took the phone from him. “Bye Mackie!”

He smiled big and then hung up on him right when Mackie was about to deliver some smart ass remark.

“We were just talking about our _erou_ Chris Evans.” Sebastian said, smiling proudly up at him.

“Yup, that’s me. Big damn hero.” Chris reached down to lift Sebastian up so he could sit down and lay him back on his lap. “ _Erou?_ Am I saying it right?

“ _Da_.” Sebastian’s face was full of gentle concern. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I mean…” He shook his head. “I just…”

Chris reached out and ran his fingers through Sebastian’s short curls, and looked down at this man he loved so much, who’d proven to him that he was worthy of care, of respect.

Suddenly an idea formed very clearly in his head.

“You know what I’ve had?”

“It?”

“It.”

They grinned at each other.

“And you know what I’m going to do?”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to take my baby to the Oscars.”

Sebastian sat up then, swiveling around to face Chris, dumbstruck.

“Chris...”

“What?”

“You can’t, I mean, you promised your sister…”

“Trust me, she’ll be relieved. She wasn’t really keen on the idea of being photographed by a million cameras. She was going as a favor to me.”

“But we can’t….I mean, you and I….” Sebastian looked fretful, eyebrows pinched. Chris reached out to cup Sebastian's face in his hands.

“You and I are going to go together, and people can draw whatever conclusions they want from that. I just wanna show everyone that love, however you see it or find it, that it’s bigger and stronger than anything else. That love is how we refuse fear.”

Sebastian pulled in his bottom lip then, pressing his teeth into it, his eyelashes fluttering as tears started to gather. He grasped Chris’s face then and leaned forward, kissing him full, hard, on the mouth, again and again.

“You are such a wonderful man, _u om bun, te iubesc atat de mult_.” He breathed out between kisses, climbing into Chris’s lap, grabbing his lapels to pull his body closer.

This kind of physical intimacy between them was still new, and the intensity was blinding for Chris. He hadn’t been able to get this instantly and painfully aroused since he was 14 making out with his first girlfriend on the couch in his basement. So far, much to Chris’s embarrassment, he hadn’t been able to hold out past having Sebastian’s hands on him, coming after only a dozen or so deft strokes of his achingly hard cock. There was so much he wanted to do, so much more, but having Sebastian touch him like this, touching Sebastian like this, it lit up every nerve ending in his body, making his skin feel electric, and Sebastian’s hands on him would short out everything.

Sebastian had barely been able to get Chris’s cock out of his pants and pull on him a few times before Chris was spilling everywhere, across Sebastian’s hand and shirt. He came back to himself with shuddering breaths, laughing weakly and shaking his head.

“Baby, I’m sorry.”

“I told you, never apologize to me for me making you come that hard.”

Chris looked down at Sebastian’s wet hand and arched an eyebrow wickedly. He wrapped his fingers around his wrist, bringing it up to Sebastian’s mouth.

“Lick.”

And like when he was 14 all over again, he could feel the stirrings of arousal already starting again as as Sebastian’s skillful tongue lapped Chris’s come off his own fingers. He reached out to run his fingertips along the waist of Sebastian’s pants, trailing over the skin there.

It wasn’t like Sebastian had a good amount of control over himself either. Chris lovingly complained that he was never going to be able to improve his skill set for performing oral on men if Sebastian was only able to handle Chris’s mouth around him for a couple of minutes before he was shouting out obscenities as he came. They didn’t even make it that far this time. After Chris had pulled his cock out, he was already there, and quickly proceeded to make an equal mess out of Chris’s hand and shirt. He bonelessly collapsed against Chris, chest heaving, muttering a breathy ‘fuck’ over and over.

Suddenly he sat up straight, his eyes wide.

“Oh Jesus Christ, what am I going to wear?”

“What, now?”

“No, _iubițel_ , not now.” He smiled dotingly at Chris. “To one of the most important fashion events of the year. Right now I think all I need is a clean t-shirt.”

“And those really tight jeans you just got. Remember those jeans? I love those jeans.” Chris said only half jokingly in his eagerness as Sebastian giggled.

“Yes, I remember.”

After they were finally able to untangled themselves, put on clean clothes and eat the dinner Sebastian had made, Chris called his stylist and asked if she would be able to dress the both of them. He knew that doing this to a stylist mere weeks before the Oscars was rather heartless, but she agreed immediately.

“And you’re going together?” She asked, voice free of judgement, just professional curiosity and maybe a touch of delight.

“Yes, together.”

“Awesome, Chris, that sounds great.”

By the next morning she’d sent a dozen options to the both of them, but Sebastian hadn’t let him look at them.

“Babe, I love you, but someone who used to wear velour tracksuits and yellow tinted glasses isn’t allowed to make this kind of fashion decision.” He said, reaching out to grab Chris’s shirt, pulling him in so he could kiss him, open mouthed, lascivious, hungry, moving his other hand to give Chris’s already hardening cock a quick squeeze then letting go completely, sitting back so he could grin sinfully at him.

Sebastian spent most of the morning looking at all of their choices, then called the stylist, talking about what he liked and didn’t like. They agreed that it shouldn’t be a matchy-matchy thing, but more like a variation on a theme, each of them wearing a version of the same idea to fit their individual style.

While Sebastian had been back in New York to meet with a director, Chris went to his fitting for the tux that had been chosen for him. He’d had their stylist take dozens of pictures to make sure Sebastian approved of the final product.

Being there had gave Chris a very good idea. When it was Sebastian’s turn to go to the Ferragamo tailor, Chris told him he was going with him. Sebastian had been slightly suspicious of Chris’s intent, telling him that he was welcome to offer some opinions but that he had already decided that this was what he was wearing.

It became clear why Chris was going when they arrived at the designer’s studio and were lead back into a private fitting room. Chris went over to the large brown leather chair sitting in the corner of the room with a very expensive bottle of scotch and some crystal tumblers on a walnut table next to it. He quietly poured himself a drink and then sat down, his ankle up on his knee as he stretched out his large body expansively in the chair. Sebastian gaped at him from where he stood up on the platform in the middle of the mirrored room, realizing exactly what Chris was doing.

He wanted to watch Sebastian get fitted, wanted to sit there and obverse him being draped in a lavish fabrics, some of the most skilled tailors in the world making a bespoke tuxedo just for him. When they were done with the tux, they’d started to pull out other items.

Sebastian had closed his eyes at this, his face flushing, and when he’d turned back Chris had raised his eyebrows at him, a Cheshire cat smile on his face. As Sebastian quickly learned, Chris planned on buying made to order suits, ties, shirts, pocket squares and shoes all for him. He spent the afternoon sipping his scotch, watching silently as Sebastian was preened over by these talented men, Sebastian easily understanding all of the intricacies of this level of menswear and delighting them with his knowledge. Surrounded by an eager personal shopper and a tailor, items out for him to choose from, Sebastian had laughed, head back.

“No this is it, this is my Pretty Woman moment.”

“Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll fuck you on the piano later.” Chris said in an unbelievably cheeky tone as Sebastian’s face flushed, the men around them dutifully ignoring them.

They were barely inside the door before Sebastian had shoved him up against the wall, dropping to his knees in front of him. Chris didn’t actualized what was happening until Sebastian had his mouth on him, the wet heat enveloping him. He managed to make it a full three minutes before he was coming, fingers pulling Sebastian’s hair as he gripped hard, shouting out ‘Fuck!’ over and over, his knees weakening as he struggled to keep standing.

“Sorry we didn’t make it to the piano.” Sebastian grinned as he stood up, leaning forward to kiss Chris, licking into his mouth with the taste of Chris on his tongue. “Just as a side note, never do that to me again when I have to have my inseam measured.”

Chris had cracked up then, reaching out to pull Sebastian to him as he laughed.

They had to get ready early in the afternoon the day of the ceremony. Sebastian didn’t require any help, he’d been able to put everything on perfectly and with ease and was waiting in the front room for Chris. He was giggling over his phone with Mackie, completely unaware that Chris had come into the room until he turned around. He hung up on Mackie without saying anything, looking at Chris with open astonishment, pride and then a surge of unmistakable hunger.

“Damn Daddy.” He said, grinning wolfishly. Chris snorted at him, shaking his head. Sebastian’s gaze traced the broad lines of Chris’s shoulders to the narrow silhouette of his hips then up at where Chris’s eyes were blazing like sapphires from the bright blue of his suit.

Sebastian was in blue as well, a darker blue. His tux was cut slim, the pants, the waist and the shoulders, accentuating Sebastian’s long legs and lean frame. The style was decidedly more Sixties than Chris’s, thin lapels and collar, one button, making him look like he’d wandered out of the Rat Pack.

“Hold out your hands.” He said quietly to Chris.

Sebastian reached into his pocket then and proceeded to slip shining silver links with a bright red ruby in each into Chris’s cuffs, his fingers delicately turning them, and Chris saw the same cuff links on Sebastian. When he was done, he moved to hold onto Chris’s lapel, to pull him close, to kiss him.

“ _Gata?_ ” Sebastian asked.

“As I’ll ever be.”

Once they’d actually stepped out of the car and Sebastian saw the barely controlled chaos that was the red carpet, he’d shrunk back a little, reaching out unconsciously to grab onto Chris’s forearm. Chris turned to him, smiled that reassuring smile that he saved only for Sebastian, and they both were instantly in that bubble together of just the two of them. Chris naturally fell into his role as the one in the lead, gesturing for Sebastian to follow him. This was his own selfish reason for asking Sebastian to come, because he knew that Sebastian’s presence would make him confident enough to handle all of this. When he looked at Sebastian’s smiling shyly at him he knew that he understood that as well.

Chris moved them through the crowd quickly, stopping where all the photographers were set up, stepping forward on his own first, shooting his cuffs, dusting his palms off and looking at all of those flashing lights evenly, unafraid. He moved to the side then, turning to make sure Sebastian was okay to find him already sauntering forward hips first, his chin cocked with an expression of pretty boy arrogance that made Chris simultaneously want to laugh lovingly and fuck him into the carpet right there in front of every goddamn news outlet in the free world.

With his control barely in place he’d stepped forward again, standing next to Sebastian, at first keeping his hands in his pockets, then slowly turning towards him. He caught Sebastian glancing up at him from under his lashes, daring him, so he reached out to cup the nape of Sebastian’s neck, smiling at him, then turning back to the cameras, letting them take as many pictures as they wanted before turning and guiding Sebastian away.

They only had to do a few red carpet interviews, separately, on the condition that they do the big pre-show network one together. Chris hated that one the most, the insipidness, the glaring sexism, the dulled intellect of the questions. This time, however, he had Sebastian bounding up the steps then proceeding to charm the fuck out of the interviewers and the millions of people watching. He was a mix of cocky swagger, quick wit and his endearingly boyish laugh. He effortlessly pulled Chris into it, making sure that Chris got to brag about the Pats winning, to talk about his new movie. When they’d asked the innuendo heavy question of why they’d come together, Sebastian had looked at the interviewer with that completely guileless face of his and said that he was there because he wanted to see yet another amazing thing about the country that had accepted him and his mother so openly, giving them a home where they would always be free. Chris couldn’t stop himself, didn’t want to stop himself from running a hand over Sebastian’s shoulder so he did, letting his hand linger.

Once they were inside, Chris went to Scarlett as soon as he saw her, squeezing her in a tight hug. Being able to have Sebastian on one side and Scarlett on the other while he waited for his queue to get up and present helped immeasurably. At one point he was squeezing both their hands, his nerves frothing up now that the moment was almost there. When he got the signal to leave, he turned to Sebastian with a tight smile.

“Just gonna go talk in front of a hundred million people, I’ll be right back.” He said, panic tinging the edges of his voice. Sebastian had reached out to hold Chris’s face between his hands, looking at him with complete assurance.

“ _Iubițel_ , you’re going to do great. And you look fucking gorgeous.”

Still, though, when Chris walked out on stage, he felt like he was floating away, watching himself from a distance. Once he got up to the mic he’d felt panic seize up inside him and he sought out his anchor.

There he was, so fucking beautiful, looking at him with wonder, pride, love. At this, Chris was able to take in a deep breath, look into the camera and effortlessly deliver his lines. As he tore open the envelope he’d looked up quickly again and saw that Sebastian’s expression had changed. There he was, sitting behind goddamn Denzel Washington, looking at him with lust flushing his cheeks, daring Chris to respond. In front of the most important people in the industry, during one of the most watched TV events, Chris had raised his brows and smirked knowingly back at him, accepting this challenge.

When Chris had gotten back to his seat, Sebastian had open, raw desire in his eyes. He moved close to Chris, putting his lips against his ear.

“I’m going to fucking devour you.”

Chris turned slowly to him, face carefully composed. All of that confidence, the assurance, the control he had as the top was there, and he was able to hold back his desire and let this play out slowly, to have Sebastian feel it build.

“Well you’re going to have to wait, baby, because we’re staying till the end.” Sebastian’s face grew incredulous, his cheeks flushing until there was high spots of red on his cheeks.

“Fuck.” He muttered through his clenched teeth.

“Yeah, that’s the idea.” Chris said slyly.

This ultimately ended up being a good choice in terms of historical moments.

“Holy shit!” Sebastian had exclaimed multiple times at the screw up.

Then he was gripping Chris’s hand tight as they watched a movie about two men loving each other win Best Picture.

“Everything has been so scary.” Sebastian said very quietly to him then. “It’s been a lot like… it’s reminded me a lot of when I was little, and everyone was always so afraid.”

With tears prickling his eyes, Chris wrapped his arm around Sebastian’s shoulders, pulling him close so he could press a kiss to his temple. He knew that this was why Sebastian had been quieter lately, hadn’t wanted to engage in the things that had been happening. He could see that child Sebastian had been, terrified, raised without knowing what freedom felt like.

“I forgot that people, that together people are stronger if we remember to be kind and brave even if we’re afraid and to have compassion for people that are scared of what they don’t understand.”

Sebastian’s never ending faith in the goodness in people, it was precious. What Chris had thought was a vulnerability that he needed to protect, now he knew was a wisdom that Sebastian had to give to the world, that he didn’t need to use fear as a defence, that he could be open and loving because it was exactly what those around him needed.

Once they were back in the car Sebastian was quiet but there was a tension in his body as he fidgeted slightly, his tongue coming out to sweep over his lip again and again.

“What do you want to do now? Go to the party or go home?” Chris’s voice was low, rough.

“Home.” Sebastian said immediately.

“Well go ahead and say it, I know you’re dying too.” Sebastian giggled.

“Driver roll up the partition please.”

When they were in that isolated space, Chris reached out to hold him by the nape again, making Sebastian meet his intent gaze.

“I think you said something about devouring me?”

Then, with that hand, he moved Sebastian until he was kneeling between his legs in front of him. Right as Sebastian was eagerly unzipping Chris’s pants, Chris stopped him, cupping his chin and making him look up at him.

“You don’t get to come tonight until I say you can. Understand?”

Sebastian’s mouth dropped open, that pale blue of his eyes now small rings around blown out pupils.

“Do you understand?” Chris repeated.

“Yeah, I mean, yes, yes.” Sebastian stuttered out.

Sebastian giving him a fucking exquisite blowjob in the back of the car took the edge off of Chris’s blinding arousal, leaving him with enough ease to do what he wanted to do tonight, what he knew Sebastian wanted as well.

He let Sebastian go into the house first, let him walk towards the bedroom as he followed, not touching, not saying anything. Sebastian took a quick look at him, his head inclined and turned back just slightly. Chris could read that expression, the curiosity and anticipation.

The silence was heavy with expectation as Chris moved quietly, without any gestures towards Sebastian. He went over to the closet, slipping his cuff links out and placing them in the drawer, then proceeded to carefully unbutton his jacket, taking it off and hanging it up. He kicked off his shoes, reaching down to pull off his socks. He pulled his bow tie loose, pulling the black silk off his neck and dropping it next to his cuff links. With deft fingers he flicked loose the buttons of his shirt, opening it all the way, untucking it and sliding it off, hanging it up next to his jacket. He undid the top button of his pants then, and slid them off, stepping out of them and picking them up to hang them up next to his shirt, then pulling off his boxers.

Only then did he turn to Sebastian, hands on his waist, eyebrows raised expectantly at him. He was standing on the other side of the room, still dressed, seemingly frozen to the spot. Seeing Chris’s eyes on him jolted him back and he started to undress as well, though much faster, fumbling in his eagerness. Chris smiled to himself at this, all of his control in the forefront, his arousal reined in.

Tonight they were going to do what both of them had wanted for a long time, something that they’d not been able to get to. The immediate, overwhelming arousal that burned so hot, those repeated, frequent releases, sometimes several a day, that’s all either of them had been able to handle. Tonight though, with all that had just happened, this was the night that it was meant to happen.

They’d talked about it, Sebastian gently explaining the mechanics of it, the preparation, the steps involved, but even just talking about it had sent Chris’s head spinning. It was so carnal, the idea of taking Sebastian like that, that just to think of it made him shiver with want.

Now he felt a stillness, the object of his desire in his sights making his movements smooth, cool.

“Come here, baby.”

They moved through these stages of eroticism, falling in sync with each other like that had done time and again, on screen, in public and in private. They were wordless, speaking through all of their shared quick gestures, each understanding one another without having to speak. Chris’s hands were sure as he moved Sebastian where he wanted him, and Sebastian was beautifully supple under his touch.

Sebastian’s skin, smooth, golden, slick with sweat, made Chris remember the time he’d touched him, years ago, how it had made that primal desire flare up inside of him. He pressed Sebastian down on his back against the bed, moving over his chest, gently biting bright red marks onto all that perfect skin. The wantonness of Sebastian’s mouth, quick breaths soundlessly being pulled in between lips red and swollen by Chris’s kisses made Chris think about the first time he felt them against his own, all of the people in the club disappearing until it was just the two of them. Sebastian’s throat as he arched back made Chris think about Sebastian tipping his wine glass up, and there it was exposed again for Chris to lick that long column, tasting the sweat there, making Sebastian shudder. The effortless elegance as Sebastian moved in front of him like all of the times they’d done their dance together on screen.

It was the most magnificent passion play, all just for Chris, because of Chris. He felt his own chest expanding, his shoulders moving back, his hands holding tight onto what was his, full of pride.

Once he pressed into Sebastian, though, everything changed. He was there, where he’d once never thought he’d be, where he had always, always most desired. Feeling Sebastian around him, tight, hot, blotted out any pretense. This was more than his role, than his control, bigger than how beautiful Sebastian looked moving where Chris’s hands guided him.

Everything fell away and it was just them, joined together more intimately than they had ever been before. Sebastian straddled him as Chris held him with an arm around his waist. They looked at each other with identical expressions of awe. Sebastian lifted his hand to flutter trembling fingers over Chris’s cheek, Chris’s free hand moving up Sebastian’s chest, over his heart.

Suddenly there were spanning across years, looking at the other through all the things they had experienced together, Chris’s fears, Sebastian’s patience, the distance, Steve and Bucky, the fame, all the people, all of the expectations, back to those two young men looking up to see the other, just as scared and lost as they were, and finding a place where they were finally truly seen, understood. Where they were loved.

Chris kissed him, and they shared the same breaths between their kisses. Sebastian moved then, just slightly, angling his hips back, Chris’s hand on the small of his back. His eyes fluttered shut as he got lost in the sensation, and Chris saw, felt the exact moment that he had hit that place in him that made a shudder run through Sebastian’s entire body.

“Not yet.” Chris stroked his hand down Sebastian’s flank as Sebastian let out an almost pained whimper. If Chris had been close before, that sound pushed him right to the very edge and he knew neither of them were going to last much longer.

“Get on your hands and knees.”

The next minute was exquisite torture. Chris pulled out of Sebastian slowly, carefully and they both let out breathless moans as he did. Sebastian moved quickly then, Chris’s hands ghosting over him until he was able to hold onto his hips, to guide himself back in.

Even though that control was slipping, as Chris pressed into him again he was still tentative, mindful. Sebastian dropped his shoulders down then, face pressed into the bed.

“Fuck, please, harder.” He rasped out.

Any control he had left was obliterated then, and he was fucking him, fast, deep, growling as he did. Sebastian pushed back, keening at each thrust, asking for _mai tare, vă rog, vă rog, vă rog_.

“Now, baby, now.” Chris huffed out right as he was about to tip over the edge

He heard Sebastian crying out and as his fingers gripped bruises into Sebastian’s hips he thrust in deep, as hard as he could once, twice, three times and he was shattering, splintering off into pieces.

They both collapsed then, panting hard, Chris half on top of Sebastian. Chris’s heart was racing, his body still shuddering. He reached with his last bit of strength to wrap his arms under Sebastian’s chest, pressing kisses to his shoulder as he held him close.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added some of the best 'I'm pissed and I want to scream along to some metal' songs to [the playlist of songs referenced in this story as well as some Beyonce songs to fuck to.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6W0d9xMhZbo&list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_) And of course [there's the tag for the story that I have on my tumblr homicidalbrunette](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man), including [the Ferragamo tux that Chris Evans wore to the Oscars this year](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/160058448347/homicidalbrunette-kit-harington-chris-evans) and the reference for Sebastian's tux being [this Ferragamo one he wore to the CFDAs last year.](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/160058355092/sebastianstansource-sebastian-stan-attends-the)
> 
> I've decided that [Chris and Seb are Rupaul's Drag Race fans](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/160058347152/chapter-9-of-my-evanstan-story-is-up-only-the) because it's one of the best shows ever.
> 
> The 'Damn Daddy' is from the comment that [Justin Bieber left on a picture on Drake's instagram](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/post/160058349942/pray4loves-never-forget) \- please don't tell me this is a fake, just let me live in this moment.


	10. Esquire Magazine, May 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story started as a 5000 word fic, that I rewrote into a 5000 word first chapter and exploded from there. That first draft, combined with the three chapters I rewrote from scratch, along with this end product over 51,000 words makes this the longest complete work I've ever done. I worked on it for the past four months, spending a lot of hours on it and because I gave myself full permission to write whatever I wanted, it was so much fun. I didn't plan on finishing it or posting it, but I'm so glad I did because the response the story has gotten has been so amazing. [I even got recommended on The Stucky Library, the center of the whole Captain America slash fandom. Seeing that just totally blew my mind. ](https://thestuckylibrary.tumblr.com/post/160069400017/hello-i-would-like-to-rec-im-your-man-by-jean) Now that the story is completed please comment and let me know what you think!
> 
> I have updated the [I'm Your Man playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8kZSf2_IYOfjts5aHxEV-sM9jtw0qy5_) with the musicians and songs in this chapter as well as the songs I was listening to while I was writing the story and there's the [I'm Your Man tag on my tumblr homicidalbrunette](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/I%27m-your-man) for the things I referred to in the story. Also I have some ideas for the cover of this issue of Esquire that I created here, as well as some inside pictures, so if you're an artist who is interested, let me know. 
> 
> Okay, here you go!

 

_A New Kind of Superhero: Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan speak out about their relationship, toxic masculinity and the future of Captain America_

 

At the Oscars in February, the Best Picture award was given to _Moonlight_ , a movie about two men in love. In a quick cutaway shot during the now historic mix up, we saw Chris Evans with his arm wrapped around Sebastian Stan, kissing his forehead. On the red carpet, they had been photographed together, Evans holding onto the back of Stan’s neck. During the ABC pre-show interview, Evans had reached out to stroke Stan across the shoulders.

Maybe if this hadn’t been the actor who portrays Captain America in what is currently the highest grossing movie franchises ever, it wouldn’t have made such big headlines. Perhaps if it wasn’t with the actor who played the character that fans have insisted Captain America is romantically linked to, it wouldn’t have the lit up the internet like it did. Maybe if Evans hadn’t called out white supremacists on Twitter mere weeks before, it might not have caused such an uproar. As it was, though, these affectionate touches set off a firestorm in the media, ranging from an outpouring of support from the LGBTQ+ community and their fellow actors, to recrimination from conservative groups calling for a ban on the Marvel movies and thinly veiled threats from those in the alt-right.

Since Oscar night the two of them have been photographed together multiple times. These appearances have ranged from domestic things like leaving the Dean and Deluca in Soho together and walking their dog through Griffith Park to more public events like the Stevie Nicks concert at the Staples Center and at the LA gay club The Abbey where they hosted a drag night to raise money for trans kids affected by the recent bathroom bill passed in North Carolina.

When Stan and Evans contact Esquire for an interview, it seems like they are finally ready to make a public statement about their relationship. The address I’m given to meet them at is a beautiful 1950’s era house in the Hollywood Hills. In the driveway is parked a hulking Ford F-250 pickup truck and the 1968 Aston Martin DB6 that Stan and Evans were photographed in together last month in Carmel. When I knock on the door, there is loud and insistent barking. The door opens to reveal Chris Evans, holding back a very happy, very large dog.

“Geez, Dodger, come on, come on.” He pulls the dog back finally. “Go see Seb!”

The dog quickly trots away and he’s able to let me in. “Sorry, he just loves new people.” He says sheepishly.

As he’s shaking my hand, introducing himself as if his face isn’t on every Disney Store bag in North America, I see that he’s wearing board shorts and a pink baseball style shirt with a caricature of Barbie on it. I find out later that this is actually drag queen Trixie Martell, who Chris is a shameless fan of. (“When we met her last month I, like, almost started hyperventilating she was making me laugh so hard.”)

He leads me to the back of the house where glass doors open to a large patio and pool. Sitting on the ground with his arms around the excitable dog is Sebastian Stan, dressed in a vintage Kate Bush t-shirt and skinny jeans with his feet bare. Both men are genuinely happy to see me, ushering me to sit next to the pool, making sure I have a beer.

This isn’t an impersonal hotel during a press junket with a publicist watching like a hawk in the corner. There’s no list of things that I’m not allowed to ask about. When I remark upon this, Evans tell me that what this article ends up being is ultimately my choice, but that he and Stan are hoping for something more than sensationalism.

It’s true that this is what I had come there looking for, that this was supposed to be clickbait full of lurid details about the relationship between the man who plays a physical embodiment of an American man and his very attractive co-star who have, from the looks of the house, shacked up together.

As we sit under the hot LA sun, Evans grills up steaks on a mammoth barbecue. Guns N Roses, Beyonce, Die Antwoord and Nicki Minaj play through speakers hidden everywhere, the music never dimming no matter where you go inside or out. An anachronistic Art Nouveau piano sits in the mid century modern living room. In the fridge a New York IPA sits next to the epitome of Boston brews Samuel Addams. In the pool there’s a huge unicorn floaty with a rainbow tail, and a diving board which Stan said he had insisted upon to give it a ‘David Hockney vibe.’

I spy a giant tarp spread out on the gentle slope of the backyard and Chris bounces over to us with excitement.

“We made a Slip ‘N Slide! Remember them? Sebastian never had one so I made him this mondo one for him. I went and bought a shitload of plastic sheeting and got like 10 sprinklers and we spent all last weekend on that fucker. It was insane!” He lifts up his shirt to show where he’d bruised his ribs landing too hard on the ground in an attempt to pull off a backwards somersault on the slick surface.

Once we’re sitting down at the table to have dinner, I ask who’s house this is. Stan answers without pause.

“Ours.”

“So you guys are together?”

“What do you mean by together?” Stan says, heartily clapping Evans on the back. “I mean, this guy here, he’s like a brother.”

“Just guys being dudes.” Evans says, aping the meme of Steve Addazio, Boston College’s former coach.

“Totes, bro.”

“So that’s it then?” I counter.

“Well, I mean, there’s also all the hot sex we’re having.” Stan adds.

“Up here, dude.” Evans says, and they high five. “Good job on all the sex, buddy.”

At this, they break out into loud, raucous laughter, heads back. Evans reaches out to grab Stan, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face into his shoulder. Stan seems to melt into this embrace, smiling the smile of a man who’s completely, utterly in love.

 

On paper they seem like two very different men. Evans is a Bostonian, born and bred, who slips into his Townie voice when he gets particularly excited. His pre-Avengers career was full of bro characters, the asshole boyfriend, the asshole friend, the asshole comic book character (in the disastrous Fantastic Four movies.) Stan is a Romanian who immigrated to Austria at age eight and then America at twelve, something that he mentioned on the Oscar red carpet in February when immigration was an especially hot topic. When he talks about moving here, about the strength of his single mom getting them away from political unrest and finding her son a place to pursue his dreams of acting, Sebastian’s voice wavers, and his emotions are out there, unfiltered.

In person, the two of them together are physically intimidating. Evans has an all-American look, bright blue eyes and an insane shoulder to hip ratio. Stan is classic film star attractive, sharp cheekbones and jawline, with a long, lean body. Not only are they both over 6 feet tall, they’re currently in training to start filming the two part Avengers: Infinity War next month, meaning they both currently have an almost unbelievable amount muscle mass. When I ask them if they work out separately or together, Evans says usually together.

“We do a lot of wrestling.” Stan quips, with an impish grin at Evans.

They’re also excessively charming in a completely genuine way. Each has an easy going manner with no hint of snobbery. Stan is curious and so sincere that you feel like you can trust him instantly. Evans is encouraging, reacting hugely to positivity. After only an hour, I forget that these are two movie stars. I’ve never experienced this level of authenticity in actors before. Together they put you at ease, make you feel like a friend.

Evans is constantly in motion, hands gesturing when he talks, laughing with his whole body, reaching out to grab onto Stan each time he does. Stan is almost languid, leaning back in his chair, turned towards Evans.

I ask them about how they went from co-stars to being in a committed relationship together.

“When we met back in 2010 for the first Cap movie, I liked Sebastian right away. He’s such a good, honest person, and you don’t find that a lot in this industry. But I thought after that first movie that was going to be it, that I’d probably not see him again him.”

“Did you really think that?” Stan asks him. When Evans sheepishly nods, Stan grabs his hand. “Is that why you didn’t try and contact me?”

“I didn’t think I was enough for you then.” Stan pulls on his hand, leaning forward to kiss him, and I completely disappear. Some kind of non-verbal conversation happens, and eventually they look back at me. “I can’t imagine how I could have gotten through the last seven years of my life without Seb there. By the last movie, it was like I couldn’t be without him. I literally shut down without him.”

“We were both under a huge amount of pressure, there at the beginning.” Stan says, his eyes still on Evans. “This was a chance for bigger things, and for me, it was crippling. Chris was this quiet presence, and every time I felt overwhelmed or lost he was there, supporting me, helping me, and he would do it so instinctively, so naturally. He was, he is the most kind, generous, wonderful man. He showed me that I could be more, that I was capable of being more than I was being perceived as. Right from the beginning, I fell for him. It was one of the easiest things to do, to love him. I didn’t know if something would ever come of it more than the friendship we had, but just having him in my life as my friend helped me, gave me strength.”

“We’ve always had this connection between us. It was so special and important to me that I didn’t like talking about it, even up until recently.” Evans adds. “It’s so private. It’s something that’s just for him and me. I guess I kinda wanted to hoard it, protect it. But I realized over the last couple of months, especially now that we’ve moved to this whole new level, that acknowledging it won’t diminish it. I love Sebastian. I will tell you and everyone who wants to know, yes, I do love him, I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone, and I’ve loved him for years now.”

“The thing that’s changed is the level of importance we have in one another’s lives and the kind of closeness we have with each other.” Stan says, picking up instantly where Evans leaves off. “We’ve always been intimate, it’s just now we have a kind of intimacy that’s exclusive between just us. But whatever level of closeness we’ve had with one another, it’s not something that either of us has ever been ashamed of. That’s the most important thing that we both want people to know, that even before this became this” Stan gestures their intertwined fingers, “that neither of us were ashamed of it. Men can love other men, and be affectionate with each other, there’s nothing wrong with that, even if the implication is that they might be not completely heterosexual.”

 

“I’ve always been a real tactile guy,” Evans says. “I’m a toucher! I’ve always grabbed my friends, it’s this uncontrollable thing that happens when someone I care about is being awesome. As I got more well known, I noticed that it was being interpreted as ‘too much,’ as an implication that I wasn’t being, I guess, ‘hetero’ enough. Like being excited and touching another man meant I was gay. And that that was apparently something that I shouldn’t want.”

Stan has had questions about his orientation from very early on in his career, mainly because of the gay character he played in miniseries _Political Animals_ and, as he puts it, “my pretty boy face.”

“It just never occurred to me to care. Like, it wasn’t something I even thought about. I just, you know, was into who I was into.”

When I ask if he’s dated men in the past, he shrugs.

“Yeah.”

When I ask Evans, he blushes a deep red.

“Uh, once, yeah.”

This is clearly news to Stan.

“Really?”

“Just this guy when I was first in LA, it was for like a week.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you’re gonna laugh when you find out who it was.”

“Oh my god, babe, tell me right now.” Stan looks gleeful, and Evans leans forward to whisper the name into his ear. Stan’s mouth opens in shock, then he starts to laugh incredulously. “That’s amazing!”

 

Since the Oscars it hasn’t just been speculation about their relationship that became a topic of conversation; it was the idea of men touching each other with open affection and intimacy. Like a bunch of teenage boys during sex ed, this made a lot of men, even journalists, squirm.

“Look, I know what this interview is supposed to be.” Stan tells me. “I know that people want to know about what kind of relationship there is between me and Chris. But I’d like it if it could more than just that. What we both really want to talk about is relationships between men in general, and how fear is making men sick. That’s what all of this is really about, in the long run.”

The two have been become representations of a movement that’s spreading through Hollywood. Young actors are refusing old stereotypes about how a man should act. These men are rejecting ‘toxic masculinity,’ as it’s been labeled - the idea that a man shouldn’t seem weak or emotional, shouldn’t have any kind of intimacy, physical or otherwise, with other men, even if the connotation is that they might not be heterosexual. This is dovetailing with the inclusion of queer actors and queer characters being represented on film.

This has started to show up in franchise movies, slowly and subtly. Fellow Marvel superhero Ryan Reynolds has said in interviews that his character Deadpool is pansexual. Openly queer Ezra Miller is playing The Flash in Marvel’s rival franchise DC comics’ _Justice League_ movie. The not-so-subtle subtext between the original slash couple Spock and Kirk is gently encouraged by Chris Pine and another gay actor Zachary Quinto in the Star Trek franchise.

There is very strong and very vocal support for this newly evolving version of how to be a man, especially from the under 30 demographic. Millennials are open to non-binary ideas about gender and sexuality where the old tenets of what a man should be don’t apply. Being open with your feelings and being close and affectionate with another man doesn’t make you look weak, instead it’s a sign of heightened emotional intelligence, of an enlightened mind. The idea that being gay isn’t something to hide, to be ashamed of, encourages this.

This idea is a personal shared mission for Evans and Stan.

“All this posturing that men do, the closed off emotions, the lack of communication skills, it’s killing us.” Evans says. “Men have been told to bottle up all their feelings, to not want to be affectionate with other men, not even their own sons or father. This idea that masculinity is tough, a stiff upper lip, that men can’t care about each other and show they care, it’s based in everything that’s hurting the country right now, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia. Men are scared, and don’t have the language, the gestures, the freedom to express that, to ask for help.”

They tell me that they are in the planning stages of doing a documentary together about this, to be directed by Evans and narrated by Stan. They’ve been complying lists of men to interview about it, fellow actors, writers, queer theorists, psychologists, all to talk about what masculinity is.

“We just want it to be okay for a man over the age of sixteen to hug his father. Why is that something that we think we’re not allowed to do?” Stan says.

 

When you talk to some of Evans and Stan’s Marvel costars, you see that these ideas about open affection and emotion between men are something those around them also share.

A quick search through YouTube reveals the easy rapport between Stan and Anthony Mackie, who plays Cap’s other sidekick Falcon. Dry asides and witty comebacks livening up droll, awkward press junket interviews. Dig a little more and you find them with Evans, all very much invested in making the each other laugh, disregarding the press in front of them. Both Chris and Sebastian are easily affectionate with Mackie, seemingly breaking the other man of his cocky swagger. It’s Stan that Mackie seems especially close to.

“Sebastian, he makes me all soft and shit.” Mackie says when I call him. “I’m a 38 year old married man. I ain’t never had a male friend cuddle me. But Sebastian’s so keen when he does it, it disarms you.”

When I ask him what it’s been like to have two of his closest male friends end up in a romantic relationship together, he scoffs.

“I’ll tell you what it’s like, it’s annoying to see two people experience what, honestly, seems like an unfairly huge amount of happiness together. These two are like a couple of fucking sunbeams blinding us all with their joy. I wish they’d fucking keep it to themselves, ‘cause every time my wife and I hang out with them, she’s looking at me afterwards like ‘why don’t you make me smile that big?’ I told Sebastian he has to pay for the trip to Paris I’m taking her on next month because it’s his fault I’ve had to step up my game to compete with his fucking bliss.”

“Men like Sebastian and Chris are what we need right now.” Robert Downey Jr says via email. Downey is another man in Hollywood who is open with his emotions, prone to giving his Marvel costars kisses on the cheek. He seems to have a soft spot for Evans and speaks about him with a huge amount of affection.

“Chris is a good man. He’s the kind of man that we should aspire to be. Just honest, generous, completely without an ego. Sebastian, he’s really helped Chris to come out of his shell, to be more confident. These two love each other very deeply. There’s a kind of connection there that doesn’t happen a lot. Their bond is very unique, very special, and has been for years now. It’s important for us who get to see that men being unashamed of their emotions for one another can be so beneficial.”

I also speak to Hayley Atwell, who played Captain America’s female love interest Agent Peggy Carter, going on to star in the sadly canceled series about this character who founds the integral intelligence organization in the Marvel universe, all the while fighting her own battles and refusing to be the weeping widow hidden away in the dark. Atwell seems to be the other side of this loosening of gender norms, defying the ideas of the stereotypical actress, more intent on being funny than glamorous, rejecting the unhealthy body images that Hollywood insists upon and refusing to demur to the men around her.

“Sebastian and Chris are my sweet boys.” She tells me. “Being able to see their relationship grow since the beginning has been an utter delight. They’re are just so good for each other. They make one another better. This need to make their relationship scandalous is ridiculous. The only thing that’s happening there is love. That and two extremely attractive men fucking, a lot apparently, if their inability to answer text messages within any real expediency is an indication.”

 

I notice that throughout the afternoon that Stan and Evans occasionally slip into another language with one another.

“I’m teaching Chris Romanian.” Stan tells me. “We’re going to go visit there this fall.”

Stan hasn’t been back to his home country since he left at age 8, but says he finally feels ready now.

“It was so frightening to be in somewhere with that much tension in the air. I can go back as an adult now, with the person I love, and be apart of the change that’s happened there now.”

Stan says that he’s recently gone to Boston with Chris for the first time. Growing up far from his relatives, he was overwhelmed at having so much family close by.

“There were, like, always family in the house. Cousins, aunts, nephews, nieces. It was amazing. And everyone brought such good fucking food! I swear, all we did was get hugged, crawled over by children and stuffed full of casseroles.”

I ask them if they’ve ever thought of having a family. Evans gestures to Stan and to Dodger, who is curled up asleep between them.

“We have a family.”

 

Evans responds to the question of whether these two Avengers movies will be his last as Captain America with a nod.

“There is definitely a temptation to stay. I mean, Seb and I aren’t going to have this kind of time together when we’re not working on the Cap movies with each other. But I think it’s time for Seb to step up, because he’s going to bring so much to the table if he’s the lead.”

When I ask if some of this decision to step down has to do with Marvel’s continued refusal of anything beyond restrained friendship between Captain America and Stan’s character Bucky despite their history with one another, he hesitates.

“It has been difficult to see how the studio sees the idea of any kind of physical or emotional intimacy between Steve and Bucky as negative. It’s hard because that’s playing into something that both Seb and I really want to dispel.”

When asked how he feels about the idea of Bucky becoming Captain America, Stan seems open to it. Getting a nine picture deal with the gold mine that is the Marvel franchise changed his whole life, not just professionally, but personally.

“Even beyond bringing Chris into my life, I have met so many wonderful people, people who I love, because of these movies. Not just the people I’ve gotten to work with, but the fans, who are the most amazing people, who’ve shown me what happens when we accept and love each other. If I can keep that up, if I can show love and acceptance through my own actions while making these movies, that’s what’s most important to me.”

 

It’s Atwell’s idea to send me some of the pictures that she’s taken of Stan and Evans together, telling me that they are the best way of understanding their relationship. I take this cue from her and also ask Mackie and Downey to send me the pictures they have of them. Stan offers to send me some of his own photos of them as well.

He sends me a dozen selfies, him and Evans with some of _Rupaul’s Drag Race_ alumni, one of them in front of a karaoke screen, one of them each smiling ridiculously with Dodger’s face in between, and one of him with his face pressed against Chris’s cheek, eyes closed, seemingly blissed out. The pictures from their co-stars are much the same as this last picture, shots of the two actors touching, always seemingly caught in a laugh. One that Atwell sends stands out. It’s Stan seated in front of Evans on some steps, Evans’s body and legs around him like a throne, Stan’s elbows on the other man’s knees. Evans’s face is partially hidden, his head bent as he looks down at Stan, his knuckles up to brush Stan’s cheek as Stan looks into the camera, beaming under his affection.

 

When we talk about Evans’s last movie, _Gifted_ , I admit that I hadn’t been the only journalist in the room crying during the screening. This makes Evans extremely happy, and he pats my shoulder firmly many times and I feel like I’ve done something very right. I ask about what other projects they’re working on. Stan is currently working on his first lead role in _The Last Full Measure_ alongside fellow Marvel co-star Samuel L. Jackson. Evans gushes about the role, telling me that he thinks it’s going to be an Oscar contender.

“You may have a little bit of a bias here.” Stan tells him, but Evans insists that Stan is doing some of the best work he has ever seen. When I ask Evans what he has up next Stan answers for him.

“My man’s going to be on Broadway!” Stan proudly announces. Evans is set to star in Kenneth Lonergan's _Lobby Hero_ next spring. “Him and Dodger are gonna come be a couple of New Yorkers with me.”

 

After the sun sets, Stan goes to the piano in the living room, playing a few trills as Evans sits down next to him on the piano bench. Evans reaches into his pocket and proceeds to drop some change into a jar sitting on the piano then wraps his arm around Stan’s waist.

“Gimme a little Elton and George.”

Stan laughs, and starts playing the opening bars of “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me,” the 1974 song written by Elton John, who performed it with George Michael in 1991 in what ended up being a number one single.

Stan sings the song at first, then, perfectly aping the live recording, says “Ladies and gentlemen! Mister Elton John!” Chris is barely able to sing through his laughter initially, but by the time they get to the chorus, they’re singing together.

Their voices are better than I had expected, and they blend beautifully together, weaving in between each other, harmonizing, supporting, amplifying. Their emotions are laid out across each of their faces are as easy to read as if they were words on a page. This is unabashed adoration, fondness, gratefulness, connection. Whatever connotations that have been formed about the relationship between the two, any of the sordid ideas concocted by those on the outside, the real truth is there, between them. When the song finishes, Stan reaches out to cup Evans’s face as they kiss.

“Te iubesc Iubit.” Stan says.

“Si eu te iubesc iubițel.” Evans answers.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! We're finished! Thanks so much everyone!!
> 
> And if you're still hankering, might I suggest you go here, back to [the very beginning of my Evanstan tag on my tumblr](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Evanstan/page/48), and watch how this story slowly grew in my brain from all the quotes, gifs and pictures of these two beautiful men together - [especially these five posts where I blather out my initial interest in their dynamic.](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/i%27m-your-man-tag-origins)
> 
> As always, you can check out my [Evanstan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Evanstan) and [Stucky](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Stucky) tag and if you're in the mood for a mix of weakingly attractive and painfully adorable, look through my [Sebastian Stan](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/fucking-Sebastian-Stan) and [Chris Evans](http://homicidalbrunette.tumblr.com/tagged/Chris-fucking-Evans) tags.
> 
> Te iubesc Iubit = I love you beloved  
> Si eu te iubesc iubițel = I love you too baby


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